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Key points
- Our brains can hold onto past memories as if they are still true in the present.
- Reminding yourself that "It's over" and "I'm safe" can help you to move on from the past.
- This technique can be helpful both for emotions tied to negative memories and for relief from chronic pain.
Last week, I spent some time in a section of my home city that I rarely visit, part of the area that I grew up in. My husband was running an errand nearby, so I took a walk along the waterfront while waiting for him to return. I hadn’t spent time in that part of town since I was seventeen.
As I walked past places I had frequented as a teenager, various emotions and memories surfaced. They weren’t good. It felt strange, walking in such a pretty place that simultaneously felt dark, uncomfortable and heavy with sad memories. I remembered the endless performance pressure that came with striving for top marks, while simultaneously navigating difficult social situations with no advice or support.
My parents were of the hands-off variety to begin with, and they were busy with my mother’s breast cancer journey when I was in my last year of high school. I felt vaguely ill from memories of toxic, non-nourishing relationships that I had let into my life during that time. Unfortunately, these early, defining relationship patterns continued for years afterward, too.
I got lost in those memories for a few minutes, shedding a few tears for my young self as I got sucked down into those old feelings. It was clear that on some level, these experiences were still impacting me. But then, a higher thought came along.
“It’s over.”
Yes, it really was over, even if it felt like it never would be. This was not my life anymore. Thank God. Profound relief washed over me as I grasped that truth, and I said it to myself out loud as I walked.
It’s over. It’s over. It’s over.
This reminded me of a chronic pain course I’d attended, that was designed for physicians. A woman had shared her story with us. She had seriously injured her back in a motor vehicle accident, and endured chronic pain for years afterward. She eventually got to the point where she could no longer sit down at all due to pain; she spent most of her days pacing back and forth.
One day, her physiotherapist had a new exercise for her. She was to sit on an exercise ball for as long as she could tolerate, once a day. This terrified her. At first, she could only manage a second or two.
Then, the physiotherapist had a brilliant idea.
“When you’re sitting on the ball, repeat to yourself, ‘I am safe,’” she told her. “Because you are. At this point, your body has mostly healed from the accident, and it’s your fear and tension about pain and re-injury that are causing most of your pain.”
She tried it. She kept repeating that truth, “I am safe”, while sitting on the ball. Her acute injuries were past, and her body could safely move on. It was over - even if her brain, via her pain, told her otherwise.
Eventually, she started to believe it, and her mind and whole body began to relax. She managed a minute, then five, then ten. By the time she told her story to our group, she was back working full time at her desk job and was mostly pain-free.
Reminding yourself of your positive present reality, whatever that may be, can be so helpful in healing your mind and body. I won't get into the neuroscience, but sometimes the brain needs to be sent a memo (repeatedly, and with love) that times have changed. This can help to change persistent thoughts and messages that are communicated to the body. We can break out of old ruts, beliefs and patterns that get stuck in our minds and our bodies.
Walking along, I inventoried my life today. I have much healthier boundaries. I have a good husband, and wonderful friends and community. I won’t tolerate bad behaviour. It's over. I'm safe.
I also reflected on the good things I did have when I was young. I had two close friends in high school, what a gift and a godsend. Their love and laughter buffered all the tough stuff and I have so many great memories of them. We’re still good friends.
It’s over – both the actual events, and their longstanding negative impact on my life. Really and truly.
What has happened to you, that is really and truly in the past, that still impacts your life today? Are there ways that you think about yourself, or life, or other people, that are coloured by past circumstances or times that are no longer accurate or true?
Do you still feel chronically unsafe - even though if you look around you, you actually are safe?
Maybe it’s time that you reminded yourself, regularly, with much gratitude and relief, that “it’s over”, and that you’re safe now.
Of course, I always recommend counselling support. If you’ve experienced trauma, or are still affected by things that happened in your past, I encourage you to see a qualified expert with training in psychology, psychotherapy and treatment of trauma. Traumatic memories won’t necessarily be entirely solved or healed by an approach that’s this simple, but it can really help.
© Copyright 2021 Dr. Susan Biali Haas
