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Self-Esteem
Are Negative "Inner Selfies" Harming Your Self-Esteem?
Negatives thoughts are like mental selfies, which is why good selfies matter!
Updated July 3, 2023 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- The thousands of thoughts people have each day are like inner selfies that affect how they feel.
- The brain's default mode network (DMN) spins stories when not engaged in a task.
- Research shows that people would rather avoid being alone with their own thoughts.
Have you ever tried to count the number of thoughts you had in a day? You might think of these thoughts as mental selfies or inner Facebook posts that go up in your mind. And, believe it or not, you make thousands more mental posts each day than you could make on Facebook.
How many more posts, you rightly ask?
Facebook users spend over 50 minutes a day on Facebook. That's about 1/16th of the average person's total waking time. And yet, it's been estimated that the average person takes upwards of 20,000 mental selfies each day! And that's probably an underestimate.
Bear in mind that when you are not engaged in a task, your brain engages what is known as the Default Mode Network, or DMN. The signature of this network is that it focuses on self-referential thinking and creating stories and narratives—many of which are not necessarily accurate.
What this means is that when your mind wanders, it is usually thinking about things related to you and those connected to you! For example, these might be thoughts and stories about what you need to do in the future, what you did wrong in the past, what you think about yourself, or about others who are in your life. But through and through, the mind is relentlessly spinning tales about you.
Some might say that this is the ego run amuck. And if your inner-selfie snapshots are constantly negative and unflattering, is it really surprising that you feel sad, anxious, depressed, or suffer from low self-esteem?
In fact, the mind randomly tosses up distressing thoughts about... yes, all the bad things that might happen to you and the world you inhabit. If you think listening in on this whole soundtrack would be pretty frightening for many people, you're absolutely right—as the following research shows.
Research Shows We Avoid Our Inner Self-Talk
A study published in the journal Science found that many participants would rather self-administer an unpleasant electric shock than be alone with their thoughts and no distractions! When the subjects were asked in advance how they felt about getting an electric shock, they unequivocally said they did not want to be shocked. But when their phones were taken away, and they were alone with their thoughts in a room? Well, a large number decided in favor of the shocking alternative (pun intended!).
Why sit around with a scrapbook of unfavorable, distasteful inner selfies? Better to distract ourselves... even if it means giving ourselves an electric shock.
But there's another side to this. Imagine if your inner-selfie snapshots were more positive, accurate, uplifting, hopeful, and encouraging. In my book Clearing Emotional Clutter, I devote an entire chapter to developing the skill of noticing your inner selfies. Try the following practice and enjoy the power of taking fulfilling and positive inner selfies.
4-Step Inner-Selfie Practice
- Accept that your inner selfies are not necessarily facts. The mind can produce tens of thousands of thoughts a day! But how many of those tell you something really profound or accurate about you? How many of your inner selfies are just reactive or conditioned, old or habitual thoughts?
- Take a position of curiosity toward your mental selfies. Spend one minute a day just watching how your mind travels from the past to the present to the future. Enjoy the show!
- Become aware of the negative mental selfies. What is your mind saying that is not supportive—and not necessarily true?
- Make a supportive mental selfie snapshot right now. Look over your experiences and life to find evidence of the real you, the you that has been effective in the world.
Remember, supportive inner selfies are not intended to be a false ego boost but to find an accurate and inspiring means of balancing out the negative and giving you hope.
Practice noticing your inner selfies for a minute in the morning, a minute while waiting at the stoplight, or by sitting for a minute and just writing down what's going through your mind without filtering or censoring (Yes, you can shred this sheet!). Greater awareness of your inner selfies will help you be less afraid of your thoughts... and make your mind your friend.
