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Key points
- Everyone benefits from having people in their lives who offer comfort when they struggle with rejection.
- Having at least one safe haven in our lives can help us to take on more challenges.
- We can become more resilient in our lives by turning to a safe haven for support when distressed.
The fear of rejection can easily overpower you, making you feel alone and inadequate. Everyone feels that way sometimes, but those who are resilient find strength in the connection with someone they can turn to as a safe haven, a source of comfort.
While it is important to have at least one safe haven in your life, you must also be able to identify who that person is, or, if you are fortunate, who those people are. To learn how to identify safe havens in your life, watch this less-than-three-minute video, We All Need a Safe Haven.
Learning to Accept and Absorb Comfort From Others
If you are unable to accept the comfort offered by others, learning to do this can change your life, helping you to feel closer in your relationships and emotionally stronger in yourself. In my book, Bouncing Back From Rejection, I suggest that you develop this ability by thinking about a situation in which someone close to you responded with caring when you were upset. Then, do the following five steps:
- Note any warmth and positive feelings you had. Open yourself to really experiencing the relief you felt.
- Note any anxiety about possible rejection. Your fear of rejection may be elicited when you lower your defenses in reaction to the caring response.
- Allow yourself to feel the warm and anxious feelings at the same time. You might find it helpful to hold out your hands, palms up. Look at one hand as you connect with the warmth. Then look at your other hand as you connect with the fear of rejection. Then choose to refocus on the hand “holding” the sense of warm connection.
- Reflect on the conflicting feelings. Note that your anxiety has more to do with your chronic fear of rejection than with any sign that this person will reject you.
- Return your attention to the feeling of being comforted. Look at the palm that is “holding” the sense of feeling soothed. Allow yourself to feel cared about and relieved. Choose to put aside any anxiety about rejection, recognizing it as a feeling that does not belong in this situation.
Change Requires Practice
As much as you might want reassurance and to feel cared about, you can’t just turn on that ability. You learned to expect rejection or that you must “go it alone” over the course of your life. So, you need time to effectively reprogram yourself to accept that someone can be a safe haven. And then you must practice turning to that person.
As you practice feeling reassured by someone when you struggle with rejection, you will note a sense of relief. With repetition, perhaps choosing different situations with the same person, you may find it increasingly easy to trust in that person as a safe haven. The reassurance that you are not alone will help you to feel emotionally closer in that relationship, develop greater resilience to rejection, and be more self-assured in facing challenges in your life.
