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Key points
- Well-meaning advice too often hurts those it intends to help.
- Misguided advice might be the result of failing to understand the other person’s situation or yourself.
- Rather than focusing on what you have to tell someone, it is best to focus on how you can be there for them.
Your loved ones mean well, but sometimes the advice they offer can actually hurt you. As a psychologist, I have seen this play out too often for people suffering from difficult and chronic problems. So, given people’s good intentions, what is going wrong?
Common Problems of Advice
As a therapist, it’s incredibly tempting to give advice as I hear difficult situations laid out, one after another. But when I have the good sense to wait a little longer, my patience is often rewarded. The complicated details that emerge often make it clear that my quickly formulated solutions would not work as well as I thought they would. The same is true in everyday life.
Sometimes the problem with people giving advice is that they have heard only one side of the story, making for an inaccurate picture. So, their advice will naturally fall short. Sometimes the advice-giver knows all the facts, but simply does not appreciate the magnitude of the situation. And telling someone to do something that they are unable to do for whatever reason is not helpful. Furthermore, in these scenarios, you risk giving the message that the person you are trying to help is incompetent or the cause of a situation that is actually beyond their control.
Another common problem is related to the fact that we all have blind spots. What someone giving advice sees as a problem often really says as much or more about them. For instance, they might have a need to feel good about themselves by helping others. Or, maybe they are trying to fix a problem because they cannot tolerate seeing someone in distress. Whatever the situation, when driven by their own wants or needs, their advice is less likely to hit the mark. For more on how using self-awareness can help, see this 2-minute video, Advice for Advice-Giving.
How Best to Approach Giving Advice
In the years that I have been doing therapy, one important lesson that has been reinforced is how limited I am in my ability to help. Even with my training and experience as a psychologist, I am still simply doing my best to understand and help, just as everyone else is trying to do their best. In fact, I often don’t know what is best… even when I’m convinced that I do. None of us is omniscient or omnipotent, no matter how much we may want to be.
Fortunately, we can still be very helpful when someone is struggling. In fact, we are often most helpful in how we show up rather than in what we say. And this can be done very simply. Listen empathically. Show interest. Be supportive. Be compassionate. If you think you have helpful ideas, ask if they want to hear them before making any suggestions. Even when you cannot fix someone’s problem, never underestimate the healing power of being fully present with them as they struggle.
