Verified by 
Key points
- Reactive adult child may have underlying emotional struggles that can get in the way of calm conversations.
- The more you position yourself as your adult child's emotion regulation coach, the better your relationship.
- Your empathy can help your adult child reflect and constructively express themself.
I often see that a common challenge for many parents is dealing with their reactive adult children. Adult children who are in emotional pain show heightened responses, ranging from frustration to anger, often resulting in confrontations characterized by raised voices and strained emotions.
When I coach parents to manage these situations, I introduce a powerful question parents can gently ask their struggling adult children that can quiet the storm: Wouldn't we both benefit from having a calm, constructive conversation instead of resorting to yelling?
Empathy Is the First Step on the Journey to the Land of Calm
The more you understand the dynamics of communication between struggling adult children and parents such as yourself, the more able you will be to influence having calmer conversations. Please be mindful that the transition from childhood to adulthood is a pivotal period marked by the assertion of independence, identity formation, and the renegotiation of boundaries. Reactive behavior in adult children may stem from various sources, such as unresolved childhood issues, unmet emotional needs, or the challenges of navigating the complexities of adulthood.
Stop Crashing and Burning by Becoming Your Adult Child's Emotion Regulation Coach
The yelling and emotional intensity that often accompany conflicts can create barriers to effective communication. But you can change the course to slow down and avoid these barriers. If you think of races such as the famed Indianapolis 500, the race begins with a pace car.
I encourage you to see yourself as the pace car when interacting with your adult child. When they rev up and start to accelerate, see yourself as that pace car holding a slower and steady pace. Eventually, your adult child will emotionally decelerate and be in a safer place with you to discuss their concerns.
You can maintain that slower and safer pace by fueling yourself with understanding your adult child's developmental struggles I discussed above. Use this empathy to gain the resolution to stay in the lane of more composed dialogue. Based on my coaching experiences and feedback from parents who have read my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, those who initiate these calm, constructive, and noncontrolling conversations will bypass loops of fruitless arguments with their adult children.
Being, Calm, Firm, and Non-Controlling Reduces Relationship Wear
One key benefit of opting for calm conversations is the preservation of relationships. Yelling and emotional outbursts can strain the bond between parents and adult children, causing long-lasting emotional scars. A calm conversation, on the other hand, fosters an environment where both parties feel heard and understood, promoting a sense of mutual respect that is essential for a healthy relationship.
Coaching From the Calm Lane Encourages Your Adult Child's Emotional Intelligence
Furthermore, engaging in a calm dialogue encourages their emotional intelligence. By addressing issues without yelling, parents set an example for their adult children to manage emotions effectively. This modeling of emotional regulation can be a valuable lesson that adult children may carry into their relationships, contributing to healthier communication patterns in their personal and professional lives.
Related, calm conversations provide an opportunity for self-reflection. Adult children, often entrenched in their own emotions, may find it challenging to express themselves assertively without resorting to yelling. A calm discussion allows for introspection, enabling both parents and adult children to explore the root causes of their emotions and work towards resolving underlying issues.
Validation Increases the Chances Your Adult Child Will Understand You
You can give the gift that keeps on giving when you approach those difficult conversations with empathy and active listening. Understanding your adult child's perspective, acknowledging their feelings, and validating their experiences can go a long way in fostering a sense of security and openness. Conversely, your adult children will likely be receptive to your concerns and perspectives, creating a reciprocal exchange of understanding.
In practical terms, initiating a calm, validating conversation involves choosing an appropriate time and setting, maintaining a composed tone, and actively listening to each other's perspectives. Avoiding blame and accusations, focusing on specific issues, listening with positive intention, and constructively expressing emotions are key elements of successful communication.
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, parents with reactive adult children stand to benefit significantly from choosing calm and constructive conversations over yelling. Beyond preserving relationships and fostering emotional intelligence, such dialogues create opportunities for self-reflection and mutual understanding. While navigating the complexities of parent/adult-child relationships can be challenging, the choice to engage in calm conversations lays the foundation for healthier, more resilient connections that endure the tests of time.
