Coping With Estrangement on Father's Day

Clarice glanced at her planner and sighed, noticing that this weekend was Father's Day. She dreads this holiday, as it brings a familiar wave of sadness and loneliness. Her father left when she was just 17, and his absence has cast a long shadow over her life.

Every Father's Day, Clarice is reminded of the painful memories of her father's abandonment. The celebrations of extended family she sees on social media only deepen her sense of loss and isolation. She tries to avoid social media, but inevitably sees photos of her father tagged with his new children. For her, it's not just the absence of a father figure, but the emotional void and unanswered questions that haunt her: "Didn't you like being my dad? Why did you need a new family? Wasn't I worth staying for?"

Clarice often feels isolated during this time, struggling with feelings of jealousy, then resounding shame for feeling jealous or even resentful. The societal pressure to celebrate fathers exacerbates her feelings of being different and alone. She finds herself withdrawing from social gatherings, unable to join in the festivities that remind her of what she can't relate to.

"People really don't understand, so they think I'm just being negative," she says.

Source: arshvfx / Pixabay

Father's Day often conjures images of joyful gatherings, dorky cards, and shared moments between fathers and their children. However, for those navigating estrangement, the annual recurrence of Father’s Day can reignite feelings of hurt and loneliness. For those coping with family estrangement, days such as Mother's Day and Father's Day can serve as a poignant reminder of loss. As research shows somewhere around one quarter of people are dealing with family estrangement, this holiday is likely painful for many (Brody, 2020).

Society often promotes a one-size-fits-all approach to holidays like Father’s Day.

Media representation plays a significant role in this mindset, as images of happy families and loving tributes to fathers can exacerbate the sense of being different and alone. These images can reinforce feelings of isolation for those who do not fit this mold. These scars often resurface with intensity during Father’s Day, a time when societal expectations of celebrating paternal bonds can feel isolating. For those whose fathers are celebrating with their new families, like Clarice, this experience can feel particularly painful, as it sends the message: I am happy being a dad, I just wasn't happy being your dad.

This experience can significantly impact mental health.

Feelings of sadness, anger, and resentment are common, and these emotions can lead to more severe issues like depression and anxiety. Left unaddressed, this sense of rejection and shame can lead to long-term effects such as low self-esteem, trust issues, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships.

Mental health professionals emphasize the importance of acknowledging and expressing these emotions rather than suppressing them. It's crucial to recognize that these feelings are valid and that those experiencing them are not alone. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can be a vital step in processing these complex feelings.

Here are some ways to cope:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or lonely. Writing in a journal or talking to a trusted friend can help process these feelings.
2. Start Your Own Traditions: Consider creating new traditions that focus on self-care or celebrating other important relationships in your life. This could include taking a weekend away with a partner or indulging in a favorite hobby.
3. Connect with Others: Find communities, either in person or online, where you can share your experiences with those who understand. Reading others' experiences through articles or hearing them through podcasts can be validating. Knowing you’re not alone can be incredibly comforting.
4. Understanding that Father’s Day can be a day of mixed emotions for many is essential. Compassion and empathy from friends, family, and society can make a significant difference. Simple gestures of support, such as checking in on someone you know might be struggling or offering a listening ear, can help ease the burden of this difficult day.

Father’s Day can be a painful reminder for those abandoned by their fathers, but it also presents an opportunity for healing and growth. By acknowledging the pain and finding new ways to cope, individuals can begin to reclaim this day in a way that honors their journey. Society, too, can benefit from a more inclusive approach that recognizes and respects the diverse experiences of fatherhood.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.