Is Attractiveness More Important Than a Good Personality?

“In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.” —Nora Ephron

In romantic relationships, comparing the importance of attractiveness to personality traits is complex. The key lies in understanding the role of reciprocal joint activities, which are central in romantic relationships.

Attraction Vs Personality Traits

“Attraction without personality is just a hook up. Personality without attraction is friendship. You need both for a relationship.” —A man

Falling in love and staying in love are highly related to (a) attraction, and (b) personality traits. Attractiveness is a magnet that draws one person to another, generating an immediate emotional desire to establish a connection. Personality traits refer to the agent’s relatively stable ways of thinking and behaving that distinguish one person from another. Attractiveness wants connection: it’s why we notice it immediately. Admirable traits, by contrast, take more time to identify. In new romantic relationships, attraction plays a starring role. Its importance, however, decreases as the relationship matures, and personality traits are more indicative of enduring romantic relationships (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).

Alongside the distinction between attraction and personality traits, I suggest a further distinction within each category, namely, the extent of reciprocal joint activities. Reciprocity is central to romantic love and sex. A lack or low degree of reciprocation leads to decreasing love, humiliation and ultimately, separation. Consequently, the Dialogue Approach considers reciprocal joint activities as the foundational features of the romantic connection (Buber, 1923/1937; Krebs, 2015).

I examine here the reciprocity factor in two forms of attractiveness, namely, beauty and sexiness, and in the two personality traits of intelligence and humor. I argue that there is a significant correlation between the extent (and nature) of such reciprocity and romantic value.

Beauty and Sexiness

“You are so beautiful, to me. You’re everything I hope for, You’re everything I need.” —Joe Cocker

“Beauty and appearance are things that I look at first and foremost in men, rather than how sexy they are.” —A divorcee

Both beauty and sexiness enhance romantic attraction. Which one has a greater positive value? It seems that beauty has a greater impact on romantic relationships. Certainly, there are many songs in praise of beauty rather than sexiness. However, the huge impact of beauty often reduces the overall romantic value.

We know “beautiful” when we see it. Beauty calls out for a second glance, almost forcing us to stop and pay attention. As the expression goes, “You are so beautiful that I can’t take my eyes off you.” Sexual attraction increases action readiness and pushes us toward actual reciprocal joint interactions. Sexiness, not beauty, is highly connected to reciprocal interaction. Sexiness is often associated with being “hot,” the heat felt by the perceiver. Being beautiful, by contrast, is often associated with being “cold,” implying some distance: we might like to gaze but hesitate to touch. This is evident in Roger Cicero’s lyrics, "The beautiful woman was too beautiful to be kind, too fine to be good in bend. She was too slim to go out to eat, too fancy to watch TV, and too mature to talk shit." Hence, people are more likely to approach sexy people over beautiful ones.

Being sexy is a kind of invitation, whereas beauty does not only distance us, but often reduces reciprocity. Indeed, self-perceived physical attractiveness (or beauty), increases self-interested behavior through increasing psychological entitlement. Thus, instead of showing reciprocity by treating others nicely, beautiful people tend to take such treatment for granted and believe that they are entitled to more (Teng et al., 2022). Indeed, beautiful people are often less committed (Ma-Kellams et al., 2017, and here).

Intelligence and Humor

“An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.” —Aldous Huxley

“Initially, I was not attracted to my current date, who is not as good-looking as men I used to date. However, after spending a few days together, which were full of laughter and intimate conversations, I began feeling attracted to him.” —A woman

Both intelligence and humor are attractive in a partner since they enhance meaningful and pleasant reciprocal interaction. Which one is more significant?

Intelligence is perceived to be correlated with attractiveness; however. the correlation is not linear. Gilles Gignac and colleagues (2018, 2019) showed that intelligence in a prospective partner peaks at the 90th percentile, i.e., the point at which one surpasses 90% of the population. They further claim that the 90th percentile of intelligence (IQ ≈ 120) was rated, particularly by women, the most sexually attractive and the most desirable in a long-term partner. People who are smarter than 99% of the population (IQ ≈ 135) are slightly less attractive as a partner than those at the 90th percentile, but are still more attractive than someone smarter than 50% of the population. The decline in attraction at extreme levels of intelligence is due to difficulties of social competence attributed to people with such high intelligence. These people are often considered nerds with whom it is very hard to have reciprocal interactions (here). Giving great value to intelligence is natural, but intelligence does not completely remove external appearance; it merely reduces its importance.

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Though humor expresses a form of intelligence, not all intelligent people have a sense of humor. Studies found that those with a good sense of humor have higher levels of intelligence than less funny people and suffer less from depression and aggression. Laughter changes our brain in a manner that makes us wiser, friendlier and more satisfied with our lives (Willinger, et al., 2017). Having a “good sense of humor” is ranked by females as the most desired trait in males. People with a good sense of humor were rated as more attractive and viewed as more suitable long-term partners than their more serious counterparts (Brauer et al., 2021; McGee & Shevlin, 2009; and here). Having a benevolent sense of humor is also linked to high emotional intelligence and is highly desirable in a partner. However, malicious humor styles, like sarcasm, ridicule and self-effacing humor, do not enjoy such benefits (Papousek, et al, 2017; Dowthwaite, 2017). Humor increases sexiness, but, unlike intense physical attraction, it does not create obsession.

Reciprocal joint interactions indeed make a difference. Thus, Jeffery Hall (2015) found that “when people are laughing together they are doing very much what humor is about, which is co-constructing something that’s amusing and light-hearted with each other.” Another study found that measured intelligence doesn’t increase a partner’s appeal, whereas perceived intelligence and funniness do. More intelligent people are not funnier, and intelligence is not as important as humor for initial attraction (Driebe, et al., 2021). Studies on playfulness, which is another interactive personal trait, show that being playful elicits positive emotions, which help people build and strengthen romantic and sexual bonds (Brauer et al., 2021; 2023; and here).

Concluding Remarks

“My late husband was not the most athletic of my lovers, but with kindness and a wonderful sense of humor, he was my greatest lover.” —Mildred

Although intelligence and humor are usually more significant traits in love than beauty and sexiness, physical attractiveness additionally heightens the partner’s value. Thus, it was found that women prefer funny men, especially good-looking ones (Brown, 2023). All types of attraction and personality traits are important in choosing a partner; however, the nature and extent of each, and in particular whether they do not fall below the desired threshold, will ultimately determine our romantic choices.