It's All About Changing People

I don’t spend a lot of time on Facebook. I know it’s something that many people find great for staying connected and in touch but I’m not one of those people. Nevertheless, I do have a quick browse from time to time.

On my most recent Facebook dip, I saw a quote that said:

You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.

The quote was attributed to The Minimalists. I glossed over the words and was about to keep scrolling when my mind suddenly pulled me back to it. I went over and over the sentence a few times and then the lights came on.

Oh! That’s what it means. How great is that? I continued to amuse myself for quite a few hours by rolling that quote around in my mind. I’ve since shared it with family and friends. For some reason, it really, really appeals to me.

I definitely agree with the sentiment that I can’t change the people around me. It’s a position I feel very strongly about. I think a strong case can be made that most of our social problems arise through people’s efforts to change other people. Violence, manipulation, coercion, and brute force are all employed so that people act according to someone else’s wishes rather than their own.

Methods that are considered nice rather than nasty are also used. Bribes and rewards are tactics that are commonly adopted so that some people will be persuaded to conduct themselves in the manner that other people think is correct.

For the most part, our social world is still based around the idea of sticks and carrots. The people who wield the sticks or give out the carrots decide how those who are avoiding sticks or seeking carrots should behave.

I have explored these ideas in a lot more detail in the book “Controlling People: The paradoxical nature of being human” that I wrote with Rick Marken.

I wholeheartedly agree with the first part of that very clever quote. I also agree with the second part. I definitely can change the people around me. I can change my situation so that I meet and mix with different people.

Someone who has a violent abuser in his presence can move to a different location inhabited by more peaceful people. In fact, people change their circumstances quite regularly. Leaving one job and starting another is a way of changing the people around you. Joining a new sporting club or beginning a new hobby are other ways.

It’s definitely not always easy or straightforward to change environments or circumstances. Sometimes it might take a while to find another job or affordable place to live. People with limited resources are much more constrained in their options. A single parent in a refugee camp or a person in prison, for example, doesn’t have the luxury of packing a bag and catching the next bus to somewhere better. Even in these situations, though, there can still be options about who time is spent with and for how long.

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It's intriguing to wonder why we surround ourselves with the particular people we have in our lives. Why do you have the people who are currently in your company, in your world? Why them and not others? What aspect of your world is kept in balance by these particular people being part of your life and not some other crowd?

The people in our world are, by and large, not there by accident. Some people come and go as mere spectators in our show, but others are key players for whom we go to some lengths to keep on the stage. To put it baldly, the people we keep around us are those who help us achieve one or more of our important goals.

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Are the people you currently have around you helping or hindering you from living the life you want to live? What changes, if any, would be ideal? What’s next?