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Key points
- You must be able to forgive yourself.
- You must be honest with yourself and your partner.
- You must demonstrate true contrition.
- Trust is fragile, and does not grow back quickly. Don't push.
Often, the offenses we commit against each other do not meet the standard of irreparable harm. If everyone involved approaches the healing process in good faith and with committed resolve – that is, if the ones who transgressed and the ones who were betrayed all want to heal – then reconciliation and a new beginning are certainly possible.
For those who have decided their broken relationships are worth salvaging, and who feel safe in making the attempt, there is hope.
But where do you start if you are the person who did the betraying? Below are 6 steps to help you on your path to healing the meaningful relationship in your life.
Forgive yourself. The truth is, people who feel no remorse and see no need to forgive themselves typically do not inspire in others a desire for reconciliation in the first place. More often, the one who did the betraying are appalled at their actions and need to be reminded that mistakes are only that – mistakes. We all make them from time to time, and our missteps can nearly always be corrected.
This is anything but easy, however. In fact, forgiving yourself can be much harder to do than forgiving someone else.
Forgiveness is defined as a deliberate decision to let go of feelings of anger, resentment, and retribution toward someone who you believe has wronged you. However, while you may be quite generous in your ability to forgive others, you may be much harder on yourself.
In my experience, a powerful first step is to accept what you have done. We all secretly harbor the idea that we are above bad decisions and mistaken behavior. Until you can let things be and move on, you’re likely to be stuck, and unable to make progress in important, healing areas.
Be honest. Once you’ve accepted in broad strokes that, for whatever reason, you made choices that led you to betray someone you care about, now it’s time to come clean with transparency and vulnerability. A common mistake, and a real obstacle to genuine reconciliation, is for the one who committed the offense to downplay the severity of their actions or even hide some of the unflattering particulars. To succeed at rebuilding trust, everything must be known and out in the open. Anything less is just another lie and a reason for the other person to feel doubly betrayed, if and when the truth emerges.
Be genuinely sorry. A tough question the one who was betrayed is likely to ask is this: “Are you truly sorry you did this to me, or only sorry the truth came out?” It’s a legitimate fear. While it’s impossible for you to offer conclusive proof one way or another, here are things you can do to give compelling evidence of the former. Not only will this reassure the person you offended, it is a handy litmus test for you as well. If you find it difficult to do any of the following, more self-reflection is in order.
- Be specific, because vagueness is the hallmark of a person with something to hide. Don’t just say, “I’m sorry.” Make sure the person knows exactly what you are sorry for.
- In the early days of working toward reconciliation, chances are your words will count for very little. Actions speak much louder anyway, and they can’t be denied. Demonstrate your remorse in all the everyday things you now do differently, better, and more thoughtfully. This is not about buying your way back into favor. It’s about genuine gift-giving as a way to say, “I’m sorry for the past, and I care about our future.”
- Someone who is truly sorry will not make the one they’ve harmed monitor and enforce agreed upon accountability measures. Do it yourself. Go above and beyond.
- Never make excuses or try to shift the blame. You did what you did, period.
Don’t push. It should be abundantly obvious by now that trust is extremely fragile. Once damaged, it will not grow back quickly. As the one who did the betraying, it’s not for you to say where the benchmarks are or when they should be reached. Trying to rush the one you harmed into steps they are not yet ready to take is a sure way to cast doubt on your long-haul commitment and undo any progress you’ve made.
Accept forgiveness. Sometimes the moment comes when the betrayed one is ready to take steps to restore the relationship to its previous footing of trust, but is stopped short because the one who betrayed them is unable to receive what’s being offered. If all your hard work of healing is poised to pay off, let it!
Make healing change last. As reconciliation grows into a restored, renewed, and resurgent relationship, guard against old habits of thought and behavior.
