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Key points
- When talking to someone who may be considering suicide, it's OK to be direct.
- Listening, compassion, and being present are also essential.
- Do what you can to keep them safe in the moment—and be sure to follow up afterward.
How do we intervene effectively when someone has reached such a depth of hopelessness and despair that ending their life seems like the only way out?
Fortunately, the answer does not lie in uncharted territory. A lot of excellent research and clinical experience has gone into creating an intuitive and reliable intervention map. It’s a series of checkpoints that will serve to keep us focused on what matters most—helping someone in great pain find their way back from the precipice.
1. Ask direct questions.
The moment when someone’s life may be at risk is not the time to subtly beat around the bush. Direct questions may not be easy, but in the case of suicide, research has shown they are an effective way to begin an intervention.
Don’t be afraid to say, “Are you considering suicide right now?” One reason that’s a powerful way to begin is it expects a yes or no answer while paving the way for lots of additional questions and conversation. If the reply is “yes,” that’s a clear invitation to go deeper into the reasons why. If “no,” you’ve created an opportunity to explain what you’ve observed in them that made you ask the question in the first place.
From there, you can ask questions such as “What is causing you pain?” and “How can I help?” Suddenly, they are no longer alone because you cared enough to ask the tough questions.
2. Be a good listener.
You want to discover where they are in their journey toward suicide—early ideation or advanced planning. A good listener leads the conversation with more questions, not commentary. Your purpose is to learn as much as you possibly can about your loved one’s emotional and mental state. For example, you might say, “Really? What makes you feel that way?” Or, “I know that you’re hurting. Can you tell me more about what you’re thinking and feeling?”
A good listener isn’t afraid of silence. Don’t rush to fill every pause with comments. You are asking a person to share deep and difficult emotions. Give them plenty of space to do so. And above all, a good listener doesn’t judge what they hear. A person who admits to considering suicide expects to be condemned for it. Surprise them with acceptance, understanding, and empathy.
3. Be present.
Social isolation can be the most lethal condition of all for someone who has succumbed to hopelessness and despair. Having someone who is committed to being present in a time of need—whether being present in person, by phone, online, or with frequent texts—has been shown to decrease suicide risk. [1]
4. Do what you can to keep them safe.
This step is about taking action to limit their access to things such as firearms and medications in an effort to slow the process down and allow them more time to think. Here is an important caveat: this should never involve putting yourself at risk. For example, if you believe the person has a firearm and is serious about using it, or if they become aggressive or violent at any time, call the authorities.
Remember, the goal is not to take full responsibility yourself but to choose the best way possible to protect the at-risk person—and yourself.
5. Help them find professional assistance.
In the moment of acute crisis, talking with a trained and experienced counselor at one of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s crisis hotlines can be helpful. People answering those phones have all received what’s known as applied suicide intervention skills training.
Additionally, access to professional care is critical for a person’s long-term recovery and well-being. Steering a person toward the care they need can not only defuse an immediate suicide threat, but also make all the difference in eliminating it for good.
6. Follow up.
Maintain the connection you established in moments of crisis and you’ll do more than simply avert one tragic outcome—you’ll help save a life for good.
Offering a lifeline to someone suffering is an expression of the most powerful force on earth: love.
If you or someone you know is at risk of suicide, seek help immediately. For immediate assistance in the U.S., 24/7, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. Outside of the U.S., visit the International Resources page for suicide hotlines in your country. To find a therapist near you, see the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
[1] “Duration of Suicidal Crises,” Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health, https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/duration.
