Achieving Lasting Freedom From Shame

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People are wired for connection. We need genuine community. So what happens when an interpersonal connection is severed?

People experience abandonment and rejection for countless reasons. Families are torn apart by divorce, death, war, immigration, and deployment. Children perceive any loss as personal, no matter the cause. This belief has tragic consequences. It’s common for children to take responsibility for their parents’ divorce by thinking things like, "If only I had been better behaved, Dad would have stayed with Mom."

Such a burden is far too heavy for a young person to shoulder. By the time this child reaches adulthood, he or she will be accustomed to accepting responsibility for events they have no control over. If we didn’t shoulder the blame for our own abandonment, we might have to place the burden squarely on the shoulders of someone we dearly love—and that is often harder than incurring the blame ourselves.

The lasting effects of shame

Shame causes us to pull away from relationships, believing that we are bad for other people and unworthy of their love. Ironically, the experience of being abandoned often leads people to self-imposed exile.

For those struggling with shame, feelings of regret and disappointment can take permanent residence in the heart. It’s understandable to have remorse, but it’s also dangerous to remain stuck in our regrets and past. Feeling stuck or trapped is always linked to a lack of hope for present and future circumstances.

Shame-filled people often have a pessimistic view of themselves and their future. They feel anchored to past failures and traumas. They believe they’re unable to grow into the free and full individuals they long to be.

Your feelings of shame are rooted in your view of who you are, how other people perceive you, and your place in relationships and the world. One way to think of these perceptions is as filters through which you view the events of your life.

Some people who seem perennially happy are considered to view life through rose-colored glasses. Their filters are weighted on the side of the positive. For people struggling with shame, life is viewed through gray-colored glasses. Life appears negative, oppressive, and filled with shadows.

If you believe that life consistently treats you unfairly, then the inevitable ups and downs are filtered through that perception. Up-times seem imaginary and are enjoyed (if at all) with suspicion. Times of disappointment are considered normal or expected. Every down-time that happens strengthens the idea that it’s just the way your life is.

If you have the perception that you don’t really deserve to be happy, you will filter the events of your life to make sure you aren’t content. If you have the perception that the only way for you to be safe is to be in control, you will have a heightened sense of anxiety about life events.

Because people are rarely in total control over their environment, and never in control of other people, this perception leaves a persistent, nagging feeling of insecurity. This perpetual sense of unease can lead to anxiety and depression. Additionally, perceptions are so powerful that they can become engines for a self-fulfilling prophecy. What we expect to happen usually does.

Understanding negative perceptions

By acknowledging negative perceptions, you can move forward toward a view of life that is neither unrealistically rosy nor unrelentingly gray. Acknowledging your script, patterns, and perceptions allows you to manage them, altering them to support your optimism, hope, and joy, even when life is difficult.

So how do you go about altering your perceptions and revising your life script? Start with these strategies:

Write it out

Many of the people I work with find great freedom of expression through journaling. This activity has the added benefit of providing a record of thoughts, feelings, and events that you can refer to as your healing journey progresses. The key is to write as if no one will ever read your journal entries, so you can be completely open and honest without self-editing. Along with painful experiences brought on by shame, look for the positives in yourself, your life, and your expectations for the day or week ahead. This will set the stage for optimism, hope, and joy to make a daily appearance.

Talk it out with yourself

Another way to reorient your attitude is to have a heart-to-heart conversation with yourself. Some people do this silently, inside their own minds. Others prefer to hold an audible conversation with themselves. One woman I worked with would argue with herself like an opposing attorney, talking to herself out loud. She said it helped to hear what she had to say audibly because she had an easier time detecting the emotions underlying the various topics. However you choose to have a dialogue with yourself, you’ll find value in putting it into words and requiring yourself to think about the reasons behind your beliefs and actions.

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Managing Embarrassment

What should you discuss with yourself? Here are a few discussion starters:

• When I feel shame bubbling to the surface, how do I typically respond? How would I like to respond differently in the future?
• Where did my shame come from originally? What has been my part in living out a life script influenced by shame?
• How have I let shame negatively direct my thoughts and actions? How can I turn these into a positive?
• Who am I now and who do I want to become?

Talk it out with a trusted counselor, friend, or mentor

Seek input and guidance from people whose judgment you trust. When you’ve finally chosen to address your shame and work through it, you might find yourself vulnerable and susceptible to missteps. We all have blind spots, and these are even more pronounced when our heart is raw and tender.

That’s why you need a counselor—a therapist, a close friend, or a trusted family member. Be open-minded as you ask, “How can I address the consequences of shame that are holding me back? What should I be doing differently?” A wise counselor can save you from further heartache—and cheer you on to wholeness and health.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.