Are You Cuddling Your Anxiety? The Dangers of Merely Coping

For more than twenty years, I have been ‘preaching’ about the importance not to demonize anxiety but to approach this challenging emotion with compassion and patience. Therefore, what I’m about to share with you might sound surprising and perhaps even controversial. As someone who has dealt with anxiety myself and has helped countless clients overcome it without medication, I’ve witnessed firsthand the devastating effects it can have.

One of the most challenging and frustrating aspects of anxiety is how it can take up so much mental real estate that the best we can do is to just cope with the emotion to make it through another day. Eventually, anxiety becomes our identity, overshadowing our true talents and gifts—and an unconscious excuse to stop trying to grow and evolve into our best selves.

This is when coping with anxiety turns into cuddling a problem. Rather than perceiving our emotions as symptoms of underlying challenges, such as unresolved traumas, limiting core beliefs, and self-sabotaging patterns, we focus on battling and reacting to anxiety without realizing that by doing so, we turn into increasingly diminished versions of ourselves. Worst of all, because we struggle with anxiety, we may give ourselves a legitimized excuse for hurting ourselves or others with our coping mechanisms.

Remember the stories of regular citizens shooting innocent strangers who got lost or had mistaken a driveway for their own because they were afraid of getting broken into? Or how about the growing racism, homophobia, or xenophobia rooted in the fear of ‘others.’

Now, of course, when you are dealing with anxiety, you don’t automatically become paranoid or prejudiced. However, here are six common ways how just coping with anxiety can hijack our decency and potential and make us act like diminished versions of ourselves.

1. Self-Centered Behavior: When we’re anxious, we become so absorbed by our emotions that we can lose empathy, patience, and thus sight of others’ needs. For instance, a client of mine avoided reconciling with her son because she feared rejection and hurt. Another client couldn’t empathize with his partner’s work problems due to his own anxiety. This form of protective selfishness can damage relationships and isolate us further.
2. Instant Relief: Anxiety often drives us to avoid discomfort, leading to procrastination and avoidance of responsibilities. We might cancel plans at the last minute or neglect important tasks. While short-term avoidance may bring some relief, in the end, it only increases our sense of powerlessness and insecurity. A better option is to face our discomforts gradually, celebrate our smallest successes and progress, and thus build our confidence that we can handle whatever life brings us.
3. Acting Against Core Values: As I mentioned before, our reactions to anxiety can cause us to ignore our core values, becoming more closed-minded or even discriminatory. Fear can lead us to build walls around ourselves, shutting out others and disconnecting from our humanity. It’s crucial to remind ourselves that no matter how anxious we are, we need to hold onto our goodness and decency and strive to live by them.

1. Impulsivity and Regret: Anxiety can make us impulsive, leading to decisions we later regret, like quitting a job or ending a relationship prematurely. These impulsive responses often seek immediate resolution rather than consider long-term outcomes. Therefore, we must slow down, reflect, and make thoughtful decisions even when anxiety pushes us to act quickly.
2. Neglecting Personal Needs: In an attempt to manage anxiety, we might neglect our physical health, avoiding exercise, proper nutrition, or medical care. This can lead to a decline in overall well-being and make anxiety symptoms only worse. We may even turn to alcohol or drugs to alleviate the emotional pain, which only leads to a further deterioration of our relationship with ourselves.
3. Dependency on Others: The need for approval from others to feel safe and valued is another way to react to anxiety. Unfortunately, it is usually based on the assumption that who we are is not enough, so we pretend, lie, or hide our truth to get the recognition we crave. This pattern creates a cycle of distrust in others and ourselves and prevents genuine connections. Eventually, we recognize that no matter how many people we have impressed or received validation from, we still feel anxious and powerless.

In the short term, these coping strategies can give us a sense of relief and even safety. Yet when most of our thoughts, emotions, and reactions are defined by anxiety, anxiety becomes our identity. Letting anxiety define us has two significant downsides: We give our power to this emotion and stop looking for peace, strength, and validation from within. And when just coping with anxiety becomes more important than gaining self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-worth, we become more than powerless—we become disconnected from ourselves. And this is the real danger of settling for just coping with anxiety. Remember, anxiety is just a small part of us, and we are much more than it makes us believe. Therefore, always believe in your ability to heal, grow, and thrive, and never hesitate to seek support and guidance to unlock your innate potential.