Is Your Relationship Stuck in an Impasse?

Felicity was angry at her husband, Geoff, for many reasons. Most of all, she felt disrespected and unheard when she tried to talk to him about what was angering her, like his lack of generosity and that she needed more help around the house. When she tried to express her needs, she was accused of being nasty and ungrateful. The more she tried to be heard, the more Geoff blamed their problems on her "bad attitude."

To help a couple move through an impasse like this, we have to shift from trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong to noticing what is right and what is wrong with their communication process.

Here are three guidelines to help Geoff help his wife feel more understood and, therefore, less angry:

1. Geoff needs to try hard to understand and address Felicity's concerns and complaints from her viewpoint. Felicity, in turn, must understand and address Geoff's concerns and complaints from his viewpoint. From that base of empathy with attempts to understand where each other is coming from, not necessarily agreement on their differing perspectives, they can solve problems, find compromises, and create ground rules for how they will relate better in the future.

2. Instead of automatically blaming Felicity, believing she's wrong and I am right, it's important for Geoff to gain more insight into his own role in the problems they are having with their relationship. He must be accountable for the ways he contributes to fights.

For example, he might get curious about the "lack of generosity" she perceives. Does he feel that ungenerous part within himself? What's his relationship with generosity—does he value it? If he doesn't experience himself as ungenerous, does he at least understand what Felicity is referring to? Can he reframe it for her, so she better understands his intention?

It's so much easier to see others than ourselves. It takes determination and grit to look inward and get curious about our automatic thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

3. Validate each other's emotions, especially the ones you cannot stand. It's important to validate people's anger and other emotions first and not dismiss emotions as "unreasonable" or "crazy," which only fuels bad feelings and a sense of disconnection.

For example, Geoff could say, "I see and hear that you are angry with me. Can you tell me what I did to you to make you angry? Can you share how I hurt you?" Sometimes just being invited to share brings great relief and calms things down. Of course, if they don't see things eye-to-eye, more talking will be necessary to clarify where they are misunderstanding each other's intentions.

The above three strategies are not easy to implement. Truthfully, it's a life-long project requiring deep introspection along with acquiring new knowledge of how emotions and relationships affect the mind and body. While it may not be easy to build self-awareness and dig ourselves out of the thick mud of self-righteous indignation, committing ourselves to emotional growth opens up a whole new world where we can constructively solve problems together. What could be a more worthy endeavor than doing the personal work needed to help the people we love experience greater safety and security? The byproduct is that we will feel more connected and less alone.