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When Tina waltzed in the room, I cringed. She had her head held high, and offered me a firm, confident handshake and a brilliant smile. Dressed to the nines in a size two expensive summer dress and high heels, her persona screamed, “I am the Martha Stewart of Corporate America on a Weekend Getaway.” She was stunning, and looked more put together than I’ve ever felt in my whole life.
Looks can be deceiving.
As we talked, the image began to crumble. Yes, Tina was the proud mother of a seven-year-old son. Yes, she lived in a mountain resort town. Yes, her husband earned a six-figure income and she wanted for nothing, materially speaking. Yet, on the inside, she was wilting.
She suffered from depression, anxiety, and digestive issues. To top it all off, her marriage was on the fritz and she and her spouse frequently argued. Tina coped by alternatively binge eating and/or starving herself or exercising for 4 hours a day to work off the calories from the binge.
Sound familiar? So the question becomes: how can you stop?
We've got to start somewhere, so let's start with the emotion- and stress-related eating itself. When we encounter a potential stressor, be it an upcoming presentation at work, a fight with our significant other, or our fear that we'll lose control and eat too much, our bodies kick into overdrive. Here's the problem. Your body doesn't know the difference between a "real" (e.g., I am about to get mauled by a bear) and perceived (e.g., no one will love me if I eat this ice cream) stressor. This is where you come in. You see you get to decide when you are stressed; this is something called the process of appraisal.
So what is this appraisal thing, anyway? Your appraisal of a situation is your evaluation of the situation and your ability to deal with it. We tend to break this into two parts:
Primary appraisal: Primary appraisal is your evaluation of the significance of the stressor. In other words, "Is this going to kill me? Will I die if _____ occurs?"
Secondary appraisal: Secondary appraisal is your evaluation of your ability to control and/or cope with the stressor. In other words, "What can I do about? Is there anything I can do to make _____ go away?"
People who rely on emotional eating are often not being realistic in their primary and secondary appraisal process. This could mean one of two things. Let's say you are emotionally eating because you're in the middle of a divorce. When the appraisal process goes awry, one of two things has happened. Either, your primary appraisal of the stressor is sending you into a full blown panic (e.g., I am going to die if he divorces me) or your secondary appraisal of the stressor has you believing you cannot deal with the situation (e.g., I may not die if he divorces me, but I cannot deal with it either). Regardless, you turn to your favorite coping mechanism: food.
So what should you do?
Step one: Reevaluate your appraisal tactics. Most of our problems are fixable and most of them are within our control. So very first thing you need to do is stop. Right when you begin to feel yourself getting stressed out, stop for just one minute. Go through the primary and secondary appraisal tactics we learned last week. So first ask yourself, "Is this going to kill me?" The answer to that question is likely no. Then you move onto the next question: "What can I do about it?" That brings us to...
Step two: Take a deep breath. Do it again. When our bodies are all wound up, it can be very hard to focus on what to do right now to fix your problem. It works best if you can stop that stress response in its tracks by giving your body the cues it needs that the stressor has passed. As deep breathing is counteractive to gearing up to fight or flee, it can be an effective way to calm down enough that you can actually deal with the problem.
Step three: Decide how to cope. Yes, it's up to you. While it may seem like it happens automatically, it only happens this way if you don't give yourself any other option other than to act in a way you've previously dealt with that stressor. In other words, if you've conditioned yourself to eat chocolate cake every time you fight with your spouse, the next time you fight with your spouse, guess what? You're going to find yourself automatically reaching for that chocolate cake. Unless you give your body and mind permission to do something else.
Step four: Deal with your emotional eating—The next time you find yourself emotionally eating, first assess: Am I really hungry? On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being starved and 10 being stuffed, where am I? If 6 or higher, don’t eat. If 1-5, ask yourself if something healthier would satisfy you (e.g., an apple). If you are truly hungry, then your body doesn’t want cake, it wants real food… If you’re not truly hungry, then ask: What am I feeling right now? Sad, angry, depressed, hurt? What do I want? Yes, you may still think you want chocolate cake, but if you’re sad, aren’t there other things that will help more than that cake? Like maybe a hug? Or talking to a friend?
I know we just touched on this topic today and there is much more to emotional eating. If this is something you are interested in, I invite you to join me for a series of three complimentary calls on healing your relationship with food and your body. Go here to sign up.
Until next time, go easy on yourself. You didn’t start emotional eating overnight, so you can’t expect to stop it overnight. This is a process. Have patience, a little self-compassion, and keep on trying. You can heal this. I promise.
