Why Do You Love Me? The Quest for Certainty in Relationships

When one partner constantly seeks reassurance, it eventually creates distance instead of the desired closeness.

Source: Arthur Brognoli/Pexels

Do you demand constant reassurance from your romantic partner? Do you feel uncertain about your partner's feelings or if this relationship is right for you? This craving for reassurance isn't just about needing to be sure; it goes much deeper.

For people with Relationship OCD, BPD, or betrayal trauma, reassurance-seeking is a quest for certainty and attachment.

Relationship betrayal trauma stems from past betrayals, abuse, or neglect. This creates trust issues and sensitivity to potential betrayal, leading to reassurance-seeking behaviors to ensure a partner's fidelity and commitment.

Relationship OCD involves intrusive doubts about your relationship or partner. Obsessive thinking generates anxiety, and compulsive reassurance-seeking provides short-term relief.

Borderline personality disorder involves intense fears of abandonment and difficulties with emotional regulation. These symptoms can complicate intimate relationships, causing a craving for reassurance about the stability of relationships.

Reassurance-seeking behaviors temporarily calm anxiety but create a cycle of dependence. Asking questions like "Do you love me?" offers momentary relief but reinforces the behavior and actually increases the need for reassurance. When anxiety returns, it's often more intense, leading to a vicious cycle of doubt and reassurance-seeking.

Reassurance-seeking strains relationships. Constantly asking for validation is a trap for both partners: One needs reassurance to calm anxiety, while the other feels overwhelmed and pressured to provide it. This cycle creates emotional disconnection and frustration, worsening the relationship—which then makes the need for reassurance more intense.

Our True Desire: Attachment and Connection

Reassurance-seeking is driven by a need for certainty and connection. It's a symptom of our craving for secure attachment. When we ask for reassurance, we're longing for emotional security and closeness.

The Quest for Certainty in an Uncertain World

As humans, we desire certainty in an uncertain world. This is especially true in relationships. We want proof that our partner loves us, that our relationship will last, or that we will never be hurt. But relationships, like much of life, are inherently uncertain. This relentless quest for certainty can lead to an endless cycle of doubt and reassurance-seeking, temporarily relieving the anxiety but never providing the security we crave.

There are two different types of reassurance-seeking behavior:

1. Seeking validation from your partner about their love and commitment. Hunting for evidence of infidelity or commitment. Testing your partner's love. Overanalyzing your partner's words and actions, second-guessing their meaning.
2. Seeking reassurance from others about your partner's suitability or the value of the relationship. Comparing your relationship or partner to other people's situations or your previous partners. Reliance on external validation undermines confidence in your judgment and weakens your capacity to stay in intimate partner relationships.

Discernment vs. Obsession

It can be challenging to distinguish between healthy discernment and obsessive thoughts. Discernment involves evaluating your relationship based on your values and needs. In contrast, obsession involves intrusive, repetitive thoughts that lead to anxiety and compulsive behaviors.

Creating a Wise Mind Dating Plan

A Wise Mind Dating Plan clarifies your relationship goals, including the type of relationship you want and the qualities you seek in a partner. Refer to it when doubts arise about your relationship. In Chapter 16 of my book, DBT for Life: Skills to Transform the Way You Live, I outline steps to create your Wise Mind Dating Plan. Here's a brief overview:

1. Clarify your relationship goals: What do you want out of a relationship? What are your long-term goals? Clarifying what you want can help you stay grounded when doubts arise.
2. Identify qualities you must have in a partner: These are non-negotiables, such as similar values, good hygiene, or a sense of humor. Knowing your needs helps you recognize if your partner aligns with your core values.
3. Recognize your preferences: These are qualities you prefer but can be flexible with, such as specific hobbies or interests.
4. Establish your deal-breakers: These are things you won't accept in a partner, such as dishonesty, disrespect, or incompatible life goals.
5. Understand the things you are willing to put up with: These are the minor irritations that come with living with another person and a recognition of the other person's limitations. You don't like these behaviors, but you can live with them.

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By having this plan, you create a concrete reference point to ground yourself when obsessive concerns flare up. Your Wise Mind Dating plan helps you differentiate between valid concerns and anxiety-driven doubts.

DBT Skills to the Rescue

• Check the Facts: Challenge irrational thoughts by identifying and disputing them with evidence, such as countering "If my partner doesn't reassure me, they don't love me" with factual evidence.
• Self-Compassion and Validation: Being kind to yourself is crucial. When you notice self-critical thoughts, try to replace them with self-compassionate ones. Remember, it's OK to feel anxious sometimes, and treating yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend is essential.
• Emotion Regulation: Understanding and managing your emotions can reduce the intensity of ROCD symptoms. Techniques like identifying and labeling emotions and using the Opposite Action skill can be very effective.
• Interpersonal Effectiveness: These skills help you communicate more effectively and build healthier relationships. Techniques such as assertiveness training and setting boundaries can empower you to manage reassurance-seeking behaviors.

Be honest with yourself about what you want from your intimate partner relationships. It's okay if it isn't conventional, and be clear about where compromises can create longterm insecurities, instead of the connection you are craving.

Source: Josh Willink/Pexels

Encouragement and Hope

If you're struggling with reassurance-seeking in an otherwise secure relationship, please know you are not alone. There is hope, and DBT skills can help you manage your symptoms and improve your relationships. Remember to be kind to yourself, practice self-compassion, and seek professional help if needed. You're stronger than you think, and you can overcome these anxieties with time and effort.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.