Keeping the Peace: Handling Criticism From Your Housemates

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Living with other people puts your personal habits on display. Your housemates see everything. From your kitchen dance moves to your late-night snack runs, your crying jags, and the towels you drop on the floor, they know how loud you snore and how often you clean the litter box. They know it all. There’s no shortage of material to critique.

So, when your live-in partner, family member, or roommate criticizes your habits, it feels deeply personal. Naturally, our first instinct is to get defensive. But that leads to more drama and discord in the house.

How do we keep the peace?

Cue the DBT house rules: this five-part series explores skills from dialectical behavior therapy for maintaining a harmonious home. Let’s explore how getting curious is more effective than mounting a defense.

DBT House Rule #2: Get Curious about the other person’s emotions and perspective.

How is curiosity the cure?

1. History matters

Curiosity is the key to understanding why your mom gets bent out of shape over how you fold fitted sheets or why your roommate borrows your stuff without asking.

Our backgrounds shape our preferences and habits. Your partner might be obsessed with keeping the kitchen spotless because they grew up in a pristine household. This may clash with the laissez-faire attitude towards cleanliness you learned in your childhood home.

Instead of sulking or launching into a lecture, get curious about what’s behind their behavior. Keep an open mind and ask about their history. Maybe you’ll uncover the deeper reasons behind their actions. This will make it much easier to figure out a compromise.

2. Compassion and Context

Curiosity helps us tap into our compassion. Maybe your housemate is having a rough day, and your dirty dishes were the last straw. Let them know you care and you’re here to sort things out. By showing some understanding, you can turn a potential blow-up into a bonding moment.

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3. Setting the Tone

Your genuine care and curiosity can change the conversation. If your housemate is barking insults, don’t match their tone. Instead, ask open-ended questions to guide them toward a gentler discussion:

• “Are you OK?”
• “It sounds like this is really important to you. Can you help me understand why it’s irritating you so much? I want to help.”
• “Ouch. You must be really upset. I want to hear and understand you. Can you explain it gently? This will help me listen and not get defensive.”
• “Help me understand what’s bugging you about my habits. I’d like to find a solution that works for everyone.”
• “Hey, I noticed you seem frustrated about the dishes in the sink. Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”

4. Humor and Bonding

Your curiosity can be slightly saucy and humorous. For example, if your roommate is annoyed about your frequent overnight guests, they may make a snarky comment. Respond with curiosity and compassion, trying to connect over shared experiences. What is the common ground that you both can laugh about? With any luck, you may develop some inside jokes about the perils of living together. Using all the skills from the DBT house rules (including using an easy manner) will set the tone for problem-solving and humor.

5. Active Listening

When you’re genuinely curious, you listen with your full attention. If your housemate is venting about something that bugs them, be sure they know you are all ears. Accurately repeat the content (not the tone) of what they say so they know you heard them. Be open to correction if you misunderstood. Then, ask follow-up questions to learn more about their perspective.

6. Seeking Solutions

Don’t waste your energy arguing over who’s opinion is correct. You don’t have to justify your likes and dislikes. And neither does your housemate. You simply have different preferences. If you start by accepting your differences, it will be easier to find a solution that works for everyone. Brainstorm ideas together and see if you find a positive solution. Effective compromise is an outcome of curiosity.

DBT Skill: GIVE

This focus on understanding the other person’s experience comes from the GIVE skill in DBT. (be Gentle, act Interested, Validate, use an Easy manner.) This skill is focused on maintaining essential relationships. When tensions rise, the "Act Interested" skills guide us to ask questions instead of making assumptions.

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Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, says, “Don’t assume that your ideas about what is going on inside the other’s mind are correct, especially if you think the other person is being intentionally hostile, hurtful, rejecting, or simply uncaring. If you have a concern about what the other person is thinking or is motivated by, gently ask and listen to the answer.”

To stay skillful when your feelings are hurt, remember:

• Peaceful live-in relationships are essential for our well-being.
• When the truth bombs are flying, managing intense emotions can be challenging.
• Even the most well-intentioned person hits their limits sometimes and communicates unskillfully.
• When that happens, it’s our job to be relational and take the reins by getting curious.
• By embracing curiosity and incorporating DBT skills, you can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth and connection.
• Next time tensions rise, take a deep breath, look at the DBT House Rules, and channel your inner curiosity guru.

DBT has plenty of wisdom for creating a living environment where everyone feels heard and respected. For more tips on harmonious living, stay tuned for the next installment of this five-part series on the DBT House Rules.

DBT House Rules

In this house, we:

1. Assume good intentions. (Refer to the first post in the series: Living with other people and continuing to like them.)
2. Get curious about each other’s emotions and perspectives.
3. Try to understand and validate each other’s experience.
4. Respond gently and use an easy manner.
5. Respect each other’s capabilities, needs, and limitations.