How to Catch Anger Cues in Children and Ourselves

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."—Viktor Frankl

Think back to a moment when you got angry and your anger reached epic proportions quickly. What happened? Did you yell? Slam the door? Or say something you wish you hadn’t? Now imagine if you had tuned into your anger cues when they were small—you noticed your heart beating faster, or you felt red in the face, or something else particular to you. Would your reaction have been different?

When we catch anger when it’s small, we are better equipped to cool down and release this fast-moving emotion constructively. The same is true for our children. Our role is to help our hot-running children learn to catch their anger cues, calm and pause, then make a smart choice about how to express their anger. While we certainly don’t want our children to suppress their anger, the question is, how can they express it constructively?

One of my clients, 10-year-old Imani, told me that she imagines her anger falling away when she jumps on her trampoline. By the time she finishes her jumping session, her anger does just that—it falls away. Another client, Marigold, called me about her fourth-grade son, Cole. Cole got into trouble at school for threatening a boy, saying, “If you say that again, I’m going to throw a chair at you”; he had the chair in his hands. His teacher brought him to the principal, who called his parents into her office. Of course, everyone felt terrible—Cole, the teacher, the principal, and Cole’s parents, who promised to get him counseling. That’s where I came into the picture.

I soon realized that Cole simply wasn’t catching his anger cues and didn’t yet have the emotional tools to stop, calm, and make a smarter choice.

Tools to help us recognize emotions early

Here are two tools to begin catching emotions when they’re small in yourself and your children (See the book, The Emotionally Healthy Child, for more detailed descriptions):

1. Volcano – This exercise is where you explain to your children before a volcano erupts, the volcanologists get signs that it may explode. The temperate of the volcano heats up, the ground swells (or moves), and additional gases leave the volcano. There are physical signs inside and around the volcano that an eruption will occur. Like a volcano, you get anger signs inside your body before you erupt. What are your signs? Do you make fists? Stomp your feet? Have a rapid heartbeat? Learning to spot anger rising in your body is essential if you want to catch up, and ultimately, make a smart choice with it.
2. Anger Name – Understanding when you get angry and giving your anger a name is helpful. This puts a little distance between you and the anger. Said differently, you’re simply feeling the anger—you are not the anger (subtle, but important difference). For me, I am “Mad Moe” when I’m in traffic, which isn’t often but it has helped me recognize patience is needed, and this, too, will pass. Your child can come up with their own anger name from “Volcano Emma” to “Hot Jose” to help them catch frustration, annoyance, or anger before it becomes epic. They then need to release it in a healthy way (for example, using a punching bag, talking it out, walking it off, or journaling). The aim is to help your child move from emotional reactivity to conscious (smarter) choices–little by little.

So, whether your child is highly reactive, or simply struggling with the difficult emotion of anger, it is absolutely necessary to learn how to catch this challenging emotion when it’s small so that they can begin to express it constructively (versus destructively where we all begin—yelling, slamming doors, pushing others, or something worse). Learning how to handle anger effectively is a skill that will serve you and your children throughout life—without which your happiness, resilience, and joy will be limited, and gosh, nobody wants that.