Anger in the Moment

"When angry, count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred." —Thomas Jefferson

In the moment of anger, children need your presence to serve as a soothing balm to their blistering anger. Of course, we're not perfect in every moment, but that's not our aim; it is to be a refuge for our children, not to take what they say personally or to add fuel to the fire, which is all too easy to do. But if we can learn how to calm ourselves and be that calming presence for our children, then they can learn to handle their anger constructively.

So, in the moment of anger, your angry children need you to be:

Present

People are sometimes poor listeners. We want others to hear us, but we do not hear them. This dynamic unfortunately applies when we "listen" to our kids. Simply be present. You might say to your child, "I'm here for you."

Calm

Children need to know that everything is going to be OK. The anger will pass, and sometimes we just need to be patient and let a little time go by. You might say, "Let the angry clouds pass," or "This too shall pass."

Constructive

Children need an outlet for their anger, whether that is writing in a journal, building a complex Lego project, or talking to a friend. One of my child clients, Noah, would go jogging when he got angry, which made him feel a world better. Another client, Emma, would hit the punching bag in her basement, which immediately lessened her anger. Guiding your children to make a constructive choice when angry is the work.

Patience is an antidote to anger, so if your son or daughter can muster some self-control even when angry and allow the angry clouds to pass, he or she will begin feeling some relief soon. It takes practice to stop oneself when angry, but I've seen young children take deep breaths (for example, 2 breaths in and 1 breath out) and patiently wait for their anger to subside.

Of course, children are also helped by having parents or caregivers who are good anger-management role models. They not only tell children what to do but show them how to manage their anger. Children who grow up in families that manage their anger smartly tend to do the same. Their mirror neurons kick in, and they learn by observing what we do and oftentimes mimicking it.