The 5 Anger Languages in Relationships

“If you try to get rid of fear and anger without knowing their meaning, they will grow stronger and return.” -Deepak Chopra

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I must confess that, at times, I enjoy stepping out of my psychological first responder role and diving back into the deep waters of traditional psychotherapy. In that role, there are no deeper waters than doing couples’ work. This is both rewarding and hazardous work and every time I feel myself and my clients drowning in those waters, I turn to, what I consider, psychological first aid au deux. I find this essential, as so much relationship work involves addressing conflict and its inevitable undercurrent of anger.

The book The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, has sold over 11 million copies and is frequently mentioned by couples who are seeking “the secret to a love that lasts.” The book suggests that everyone in a relationship has a primary way of experiencing love and that it would behoove their partners “to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.”

Anyone who has ever provided a couple’s counseling can confirm that many relationships do suffer from partners speaking different love languages. Additionally, those of us who often act as referees during the inevitable conflicts that arise can attest to the benefit of knowing the wants and needs of one’s partner.

However, like learning any foreign language, there are impediments to the communication process. The reason that the ability to speak in a partner’s native tongue does not always lead to a lasting love relationship is that these messages are often drowned out by what I call the "5 Anger Languages." Unlike the love languages, most people are well-versed in the anger languages, and long after loving words have become faint whispers angry tirades, rants, and meltdowns continue to ring in one’s ears—a cacophony of hurt and rejection.

The "5 Anger Languages," and their typical expressions are as follows:

1. Righteous: I’m right, you’re wrong. Driven by a sense of superiority, this language can easily escalate to the point where all past episodes of being wrong are thrown into the mix. Entire countries have gone to war over this language.
2. Indignation: How could you? Often softened by a tone of disbelief, the underlying message is that the “victim” did not deserve whatever they received. This is a classic turning-the-tables technique that most often puts both parties on the defensive.
3. Retribution: You’ll pay for that! Often expressed as, “I don’t forgive, and I don’t forget,” or the classic, "an eye for an eye." One of the more infectious of the anger languages, this expression can be dormant for long periods of time and then served up as the cold dish of revenge.
4. Distraction: What about that time when...? This is the art of deflection and is used to avoid taking responsibility and put the other person on the defensive. It’s the adult version of getting caught with one’s hand in the cookie jar and then getting mad that the cookies inside are stale.
5. Justification: You had it coming. Typically invoked as “karma is a b****” only in this case karma has been given a massive push by someone now sitting as judge and jury.

Often, the anger languages are combined and can easily lead to rage. This is why many therapists are in complete agreement with police officers who know that domestic disputes can be some of the most dangerous situations they face.

While most people don’t need a book to tell them about the impact of anger languages, or why they are often more expressed than love languages, many people avoid taking them head-on. The primary reason for this avoidance is that the underlying emotion in all five is fear—fear of being wrong, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of not having control, fear of facing the truth, or fear of being seen as weak.

The process of dealing with the all too human experience of anger begins with sending the couple to separate corners to explore each person’s anger history. Trying to talk to a couple about their anger languages usually backfires and increases the anger level where one or both of the parties will turn on the therapist for not being helpful.

The advice that Chapman gives in his book, that “we must first learn what is important to our spouse,” ignores the ancient truth of “know thyself” and the more recent wisdom, “change begins with me.” All too often, a spouse, due to their extensive examination of their partner, already has intimate knowledge of him or her but is totally blind to their own needs, interests, and motivations. Even if one knows that his or her partner’s love language is words of affirmation, if the anger language is not addressed, what will be affirmed is why that person does not deserve those words.

Due to the potential volatility, and often deep-seated roots of anger, it might be best to explore one’s anger language with a trained professional. Anger often masks depression, anxiety, or even physical ailments, so a thorough assessment is a good start. However, there is a way to begin to learn this language at home, and it starts with a self-check. Important points to remember during this process include:

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1. Make the relationship a priority: David Burns, in his book Feeling Good Together, suggests that one of the primary issues in relationship conflict is not one of communication but the absence of caring about the other and no longer having the relationship as a primary concern.
2. Know when to let something go: While the mantra “let it go” has taken on the qualities of a pseudo-Zen practice that many people feel like they should do, but find hard to do, there is great healing power in lightening one’s emotional baggage. In many cases it’s not letting go that is the problem, it’s the habitual picking back up that sabotages the effort.
3. Be willing to forgive: Mindfulness guru Ron Siegel points out the destructive power of a grievance narrative—the story we tell ourselves about being wronged—and the power of forgiveness. The adage that resentment is a poison we take hoping to make someone else sick, hits at the heart of the healing nature of forgiveness.

While on the surface this may seem like a lot of work, it’s nothing compared to the effort and energy expended while trying to keep the anger balloon from bursting, or the cleanup needed once it does burst. With reasonable effort, one quickly learns, as Mark Twain once said, “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

This article is part II in a series.

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