Regrets: Necessary for a Well-Lived Life

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Regrets—much like death, something we’re looking to avoid—can motivate us to change our behavior and better the circumstances of our lives (Reb, 2008). Regrets are defined as the negative emotion born from our awareness of what could have been if we’d only made a different decision with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight (Gilovich & Medvec, 1995).

Mark Twain was spot-on when he said that we’re more likely to regret the things we didn’t do than the things we did (and just wish we did better). Regrets based on inactions (like not taking that big job in London, not writing that book, or letting your secret high-school flame become the one that got away) tend to haunt us, mostly because these paths not taken represent gaps in our actual selves and what we’ve envisioned as our ideal selves (the versions of us that make hopes and dreams and goals come true; Davidai & Gilovich, 2018).

Merging Mortality and Regrets

We value regret substantially more than any of the negative emotions, perhaps because we innately grasp its functional value to help steer our decisions (Saffrey, Summerville, & Roese, 2008). This insight offers tremendous potential for how we opt to shape our lives. Kagan (2012) wisely points out that death forces us to be careful; we risk getting to our end of days and facing the stark realization that we spent our time pursuing the wrong things, instead of the goals that might have given us a shot at even more joy. Given that life isn’t long enough for a series of revisions or do-overs, we’re best served to identify our most pressing wants and create a sense of death-inspired urgency to take action on them. This perspective is reminiscent of Parkinson’s law—how we uncannily drag the time it takes to complete tasks out to fit the amount of time we have available for the task (Bryan & Locke, 1967).

Deathbed Regrets

Older adults, according to Erikson’s stages of development (1950) seek the development of wisdom, feelings of fulfillment, and a sense of contentment in the eighth and final ego integrity versus despair stage. Erikson (1982) believed that despair was inevitable for those guilty about the past, looking back with the wistful belief that they didn’t reach the goals they had set forth or dreamed about. Conversely, ego integrity (and maturity) is achieved for those with the conviction they’ve lived their lives well (Wong, 1989).

Upon reflecting back in a life review exercise—a structured reminiscence on one’s personal narrative and how one’s memories contribute to meaning (Haber, 2006)—many feel a sense of hopelessness linked to their disappointment in what they perceive as a life poorly lived (Corr, Corr, & Meagher, 2013). Hospice patients in a study by Neimeyer, Currier, Coleman, Tomer, and Samuel (2011) were often consumed by missed opportunities and perceived shortcomings, with little or no time to rectify the missteps on their near-term deathbeds. How can we leverage these insights to take purposeful action on the goals we’ve deemed important, so as not to spend our final days lamenting what could have been?

Our Desire for Do-Overs

Daniel Pink (2022) recently initiated the American Regret Project, which asked respondents how often they looked back on their life and wished they had done things differently. A whopping 43.5 percent of participants answered “frequently” or “all the time” to the question; 82.4 percent reported wanting some kind of a do-over.

DeGenova (1995) gave The Life Revision Index—a questionnaire designed to ascertain how retired people would spend their time if they had the chance to live their lives over again—and learned that more than half of the study participants would have spent much more time pursuing their education, in family activities, doing things they enjoyed, traveling, and taking good physical care of their bodies. More than 50 percent of the respondents said they’d spend less time worrying about work if they had a chance to live their lives over again.

It's not just retirees who have “coulda shoulda woulda” thoughts: Pink’s research (2022) found that survey participants’ regrets most commonly involved their family (parents, children, grandchildren), partners (spouses, significant others), and education. With a majority of regrets falling in the omission category (vs. commission), it behooves us to course-correct possible regrets in the making by identifying where we might regret not devoting more time, attention, and energy to our families, partners, and education.

A Startling Regret Wake-Up Call

An unflinching awareness of death can subtly shift us into a more vital state of being or even change the trajectory of our lives. Consider the story of how the Nobel Prizes came to be: Alfred Nobel was horrified upon reading his brother Ludwig’s obituary in 1888—not just because of his sibling’s passing but also because the newspaper accidentally published their draft for the wrong brother. Alfred essentially read his own obituary, and it wasn’t flattering. “The Merchant of Death is Dead” headlined the newspaper, given Alfred’s dynamite and ballistic inventions that made him less popular in some circles. Seeing his death and reputation unfold before him, and not liking what he saw, spurred Alfred to leave his deathly fortunes to the improvement of humanity (Benjamin, 2003). Alfred Nobel dodged a bullet of regret by a forced mortality salience. Perhaps our aim should be to reflect on our lives and make the best choices without having to read obituaries written about us in error.

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We have a profound opportunity to align our priorities and the way we spend our time with what we value. With a deliberate contemplation of the regrets we might experience on our hypothetical deathbeds, we can positively alter the course of our lives. As John Barrymore said, “A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.”