Is It Possible to Change Your Sexual Fantasies?

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People often ask me whether it's possible to change their sexual fantasies. Generally speaking, the reason is usually because they have a fantasy that is causing them some kind of psychological or relationship distress.

As an illustrative example, I received a letter from a reader who asked the following: “Can I (or should I) try to change my sexual fantasies to reduce conflict in my marriage?” The reader was a heterosexual man married to a bisexual woman. His fantasies included his partner and the activities in them revolved around themes of lesbian sex and group sex (both of which are very common fantasies, as I discuss in my book Tell Me What You Want).

The couple has tried to incorporate these fantasies into their sex life in various ways, such as by having a threesome and watching pornography together, but they’ve had some less-than-positive experiences that have led to conflict—and they fight about this issue frequently. Ultimately, this individual wanted to know whether he could (or should) try to get rid of his fantasies to promote relationship harmony.

So what does the research say? Can you intentionally set out to change your fantasies?

Psychological Interventions to Change Fantasies

Over the years, psychologists have researched a number of techniques aimed at altering people’s sexual turn-ons. Most commonly, these interventions have been done with sex-offender populations or among people who are concerned about acting on a dangerous or nonconsensual fantasy.

Most techniques involve cognitive behavioral therapies, often based on principles of aversive conditioning. The idea here is to pair the unwanted fantasy with something unpleasant. For instance, masturbatory satiation is one technique that has been explored in the case of paraphilic disorders. Here, the patient is instructed to masturbate to orgasm while fantasizing about something nonparaphilic; upon climax, they are asked to switch to the paraphilic fantasy and continue masturbating, with the idea being that further stimulation will be uncomfortable.

However, the use of psychological interventions like this has yielded very limited success. It seems to be extraordinarily difficult to get rid of or "overwrite" a fantasy, which suggests that attempts to switch off our turn-ons probably aren’t going to turn out too well.

Thought Suppression and Sexual Fantasies

Another strategy that doesn’t seem to work is to try to suppress sexual thoughts that you don’t want to have. This is a completely counterproductive strategy because trying not to think about something (sexual or otherwise) only makes you think about it even more. Thought suppression has this ironic effect, and it can lead to an even more intense preoccupation with the fantasy.

So, rather than trying to get rid of your fantasies or suppress them, start by acknowledging and accepting your fantasies for what they are and recognize that we don’t control the content of our fantasies, just as we don’t control the content of our dreams. Our fantasies have complex roots. They are a unique product of our personalities, psychological needs, lived experiences, culture, and evolutionary history. When you think about all of the things that go into our fantasies, it’s no surprise that they are pretty resistant to change.

However, just because you have a fantasy about something doesn’t mean that you have to act on it to be happy. Reality doesn’t always live up to the fantasy that we have in our heads—and some fantasies aren’t practical/feasible to act upon, or they may not be appropriate to act on in the first place. Remember that it’s perfectly OK for a fantasy to remain a fantasy—you can still have a fulfilling sex life.

It's Easier to Cultivate New Fantasies Than to Eradicate a Fantasy

While it doesn’t really seem to be feasible to get rid of a fantasy, it is possible to learn new fantasies. So, rather than focusing your efforts on removing a fantasy, you might be better off thinking about broadening your sexual “menu.”

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As a starting point, recognize that when it comes to sex, we often don't know what we like until we try it. So one way to start expanding your fantasy repertoire is to start seeking new sources of sexual inspiration. This could involve reading erotic literature, watching a different kind of porn, and/or exploring new activities with your partner.

Another approach is to really dig down into the roots of your existing fantasies. What are the core elements of your fantasies? What are the specific sensations (physical and psychological) you want to feel during sex?

For example, in the case of threesome and group-sex fantasies, I often find that when people describe these fantasies in detail, they usually want to be the center of attention. So what's often at the root of these fantasies isn't necessarily that they really want to have sex with multiple people at the same time; rather, it's often about wanting to feel overwhelmingly desired, validated, and sexually confident.

When you get to the core of what it is that turns you on—the underlying sexual need you're seeking to fulfill—it becomes much easier to see how there isn't just one way of gratifying that need. With a little creativity, you're likely to find that there are endless possibilities.

Takeaways

If you have fantasies you do not wish to have, you're not alone. However, attempts to get rid of or suppress these fantasies don't seem to work very well. But by discovering our core erotic themes, we have the opportunity to expand our menu and cultivate new interests where we can invest erotic attention.