The Vital Importance of Showing Up for Others and Ourselves

The late brilliant scientist, ALS sufferer, and all-around extraordinary individual Stephen Hawking once said that “showing up is half the battle.” The context indicates he meant showing up in our everyday lives. Some days, it’s hard to get going, to be where we’re meant to be, and Hawking is right: if we can overcome our resistance, whatever the cause, and show up and be present, we’ve at least achieved the platform on which other things can build. I believe this is true in terms of relationships, too.

A mother I worked with several years ago was conflicted as to whether she should attend a court hearing for her adult son because he was vocal and adamant that he didn’t want her there. Other parents have spoken of being dissuaded from attending their daughter’s school theater evening because it was a long drive, and she only had a small part; and a sister spoke of missing her brother’s graduation because he claimed “there’s nothing really happening” or because the ceremony was going to be “long and boring.” I, myself, was not planning to go to or invite my family to my own graduation ceremony for my master's in social work, thinking I did not need an event to celebrate the milestone.

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From an external vantage point, these decisions can often seem obviously wrong. It is easy to understand that a mother’s presence in court might show key, unwavering support despite transgression and any shame that accompanied it, and the parent's or sister’s arrival at the theater evening or graduation showed engagement and pride in an achievement regardless of the size of the part, the quantity of participation, or the tedium of the event. In my case, it was a moment to savor many years of work and share it with my husband and kids who had supported me along the way. So, why is it that there are so many times we make the decision not to show up?

One reason is, quite simply, that in this fast-paced world, we are stressed and overly busy, and it can be easy to persuade ourselves that it will not be noticed if we do not go to a friend’s book launch/graduation/retirement party/whatever.

Multiple times, I have heard families saying that the reason they’re not going to some event you might normally expect them to turn up to is because their family member told them not to come, that it won’t be a big deal, that it’s not worth it, or that they’re not going to go themselves. Sometimes we skip our own milestone events or tell others to stay away because we’ve persuaded ourselves that we don’t need witnesses to note the achievement, but also because we don’t want to bother others. It can feel self-centered to ask others to come "celebrate" us, an imposition on their time, an embarrassment if they don’t see it as worthy.

In my clinical work, when families are focusing on improving their interactions and connections with each other or reconnecting after a rift, I see that a decision not to turn up is often because their relationships are fragile, and instead of leaning in and showing up, we step back in case it's seen as an intrusion.

When our children, siblings, or friends seem angry and determined that "all they request of us is to do as they ask and leave them alone," it’s not so easy to know what to do. We have amends to make or bridges to build or fences to mend and so it seems important that we listen to them and do as they ask. I’m not claiming that there are no circumstances in which doing as we’re asked and staying away is not the right thing to do. What I am claiming, though, is that it is very rare.

In most cases, even while we’re trying to dissuade others from coming to our event, we want to be noticed and we want them to want to come. I believe it is almost always better for us to be there to witness and stand by. Often when we push away, we are hoping, deeply, that our counterparts will refuse to be pushed away and will, instead, insist on being present. However self-deprecating we may be, or embarrassed by the attention, feeling inadequate, or harboring imposter syndrome, our desire to be seen, to be understood, and to be appreciated for who we are is vast and deep and urgent. Whether we are someone who has erred, someone who has gone out of our comfort zone to go on stage, or someone who has worked hard enough to achieve a milestone, we need to be seen and appreciated and loved as we are, “warts and all.” So let me put in a word for the vital importance of showing up, of inviting others to turn up for us, and for encouraging others to invite us to turn up.

First, most often, it will be noticed.

Second, most often, it will be appreciated.

Third, regardless of whether it is noticed and appreciated, it is a statement that we see that person and that we care; that we don’t mind whether the occasion is impressive or not; that we’re there because we want to be. After all, they are important to us.

Fourth, it is by turning up that we stay connected, committed, and attuned in this distracted, distant world, and create shared experiences and memories that are the building blocks of our interwoven and interdependent lives.

Showing up is sometimes for others and sometimes for ourselves. Whether our relationships are strong or frayed, being there and being seen to be there is what nourishes and strengthens those relationships and the many ties and connection points that make them and keep them vibrant and alive.