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Key points
- Growing happiness through a solid foundation is vital in creating lasting changes.
- Developing coping skills, self-compassion, and a sense of purpose can help create a foundation for happiness.
- If we choose not to feed into unpleasant emotions with opposite behaviors, eventually they begin to lose their strength.
Happiness has been written and talked about at length, yet, we still seem to struggle to find it. So why, amongst the invaluable amount of information available, do we still struggle to find it? For starters, happiness is not a destination but a daily effort. For anything to stick or withstand the test of time, it must have a solid foundation.
When I work with clients, the number-one treatment goal I hear is “I just want to be happy.” Clients often tell me about all the ways they have tried to create happiness and be happy through day-to-day practices. But what is often missing is the creation of a solid foundation in which to develop and grow happiness. As such, the following are three principles, or tenets, to build the foundation to create happiness.
1. Opposite to Emotion Action
Opposite to emotion action (OEA) is an emotion regulation coping skill derived from DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). The premise is simple: Do the opposite of what your emotion is telling you to do. For instance, if you feel angry just walk away instead of lashing out. But the simplicity of OEA oftentimes makes it misleading and unrealistic. If it were as simple as doing the opposite, none of us would struggle with unpleasant emotions.
Instead, OEA should be looked at as taking the very first baby step to simply not "feed into" the unpleasant emotion. If I’m feeling sad and depression is telling me to isolate, I can implement OEA by opening up the door in my room and texting a friend. These small baby steps make OEA more realistic while subsequently not feeding into unpleasant emotions.
So how does this help create happiness? Negativity and unpleasant emotions must be fed for them to grow. If we choose not to feed into these unpleasant emotions with opposite behaviors, eventually, they will begin to lose their strength. Focusing on behaviors instead of changing emotions makes them more attainable, and by changing behaviors consistently, we will begin to shape the emotions that follow.
2. Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is an interesting topic. Many of us have no problem being compassionate toward others. If we see a friend hurting, we comfort them. If a loved one makes a mistake, we forgive them. But why do we struggle to do this for ourselves? The pressures we place on ourselves are, more often than not, significantly greater than those we place on others. Because no one is perfect, mistakes are inevitable. It is this pressure that creates guilt, shame, and depression. Being able to implement self-compassion when needed is a vital step of creating life satisfaction and happiness. We need to learn to be kind toward ourselves and extend the same warmth and love that we do for others.
In her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Kristen Neff discusses writing letters of self-compassion. In my own practice, I often have clients start by writing a letter of self-compassion from a third-party perspective. For example, how would my friend Sarah respond if she heard me discuss my perceived inadequacies or flaws? Writing a letter to oneself from a third-party perspective allows us to extend that warmth and kindness to ourselves. Developing and practicing self-compassion helps to set a foundation of well-being.
3. Setting Positive Goals and Activities
One can argue that nothing is more dismal than going about your day-to-day routine without anything exciting to look forward to. Life becomes boring, monotonous, and unsatisfying. As humans, we need to have purpose, drive, and something we are looking forward to or working toward. We can create this through goal setting or creating positive experiences/activities.
I have clients engage in an exercise called the 3-3-3 bucket list. I ask them to create three small goals that can be achieved in the next one-to-six months. They can be as simple as finishing a book, learning a new recipe, or finally booking a trip to see your friend in a neighboring state.
Next, clients are instructed to create three medium goals; these are goals to be completed in the next six-to-eighteen months. They can be something like remodeling a home office or training to be able to run two miles without stopping. Whatever is reasonable.
Finally, clients are instructed to create three large goals; these are goals that we shoot to implement in the next five years. Perhaps it’s saving up enough money to take that dream vacation. Having something to work toward, to look forward to creates purpose, and when we have purpose, we have direction. Moreso, achieving our goals propels us to set further goals.
These three tenets to create happiness help us build the groundwork in which to continue to grow life satisfaction. By no means is this a cohesive answer, but it does provide foundational stability. In addition to self-help books, coping skills, and professional help, building a solid foundation in all areas of life allows us to continue to build without collapsing.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
