Sexual Attraction and Desire
Human sexual attraction is complex, and researchers are learning that it’s not entirely based on either looks or personality. We tend to be attracted to people with symmetrical faces, who are healthy, and who are genetically compatible with us, but studies show that much of this may be determined as much by smell as by sight, in ways the conscious mind cannot control. Other studies find that a powerful source of sexual attraction is the knowledge that someone else is sexually attracted to us; playing hard to get it turns out, is less of an attractor than many people imagine.
Someone’s body language—leaning in, making eye contact—is a sign of potential sexual attraction, as is touch, such as finding excuses to reach out and touch you. Someone is also more likely to be attracted to you if they know you are attracted to them, research finds. But nonsexual arousal can be confused for sexual arousal in the phenomenon called misattribution of arousal, such as when people cross a scary bridge or ride a roller-coaster together and confuse their feelings of nonsexual arousal for sexual arousal.
Yes. Our partners don’t need to be attractive in a way that is universally recognized for us to desire them, research shows; they only need to be attractive to us. People tend not to approach individuals they see as more attractive than themselves, but they don’t “settle” for less attractive targets; research finds that people tend to sincerely desire people who share their level of physical attractiveness.
Sexual desire is one of the most powerful forces bringing people together, and research finds that in fact sexual desire does foster the emotional bonding between partners necessary to form a committed relationship. In other words, sexual attraction generates caring about a partner’s overall well-being and a deeper emotional connection, even before they have sex.
They appear to. Major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes in the immune system, research finds, may unconsciously influence our sexual desires. Evolutionary theory holds that it is preferable to mate with someone who has immune genes unlike our own, to promote the immunity of our children. Heterosexual women have been found in studies to be more likely to marry men with immune genes which are different from their own.
A body of research across cultures finds that people tend to be attracted by height (taller men, and women with a low waist-hip ratio) and by symmetrical faces. This may be driven by perceived evolutionary advantage: A symmetrical face appears less flawed, and other research shows that a symmetrical face tends to correlate with better health overall.
Men generally overestimate women’s sexual interest in them, research consistently shows, and women tend to underestimate men’s sexual interest in them. One reason for men’s erroneous assumptions is that they may project their own sexual interest onto a woman they are attracted to. Men also tend to be more sociosexual than women, or more open to casual, uncommitted sex, and more likely to imagine higher sociosexuality in potential partners.
Not necessarily, but partners should also not hide their turn-ons out of guilt or shame. When partners communicate openly about what they desire sexually, their overall levels of sexual satisfaction tend to increase, while a couple’s sexual satisfaction may suffer when one or the other partner is reluctant to talk about what they want. Understanding that their desires are “normal,” even if a partner may not share them, brings couples closer together.
Sapiosexuality refers to being sexually attracted to someone because of their intelligence. For sapiosexuals, intelligence appears to be the most powerful driver of sexual attraction, and for these people, it is not a sign of some level of genetic fitness but a pure turn-on itself. However, research also finds a dropoff in attraction when someone’s intelligence is too high—well past an IQ of 120. Studies of dating and sapiosexuality find that seeking partners with a strong sense of humor is a way of pursuing sapiosexuality.
The fatal attraction effect refers to the phenomenon in which the very physical traits that once attracted us to a partner, such as a beard, become, over time, intense turnoffs. The effect may reflect how we idealize a partner when we first meet and how we reevaluate them when that initial spark begins to fade but it may also be an important signal that a couple’s emotional connection has faded and requires maintenance.
For many couples, doing housework is a turn-on. Studies have shown that heterosexual partners who share housework equally also report having more satisfying sex lives. Sharing housework indicates that partners value fairness, are able to cooperate and work as a team, and are willing to communicate and initiate tasks, all of which are among the foundations of fulfilling sex.
The most common sexual fantasies, research has found, include multi-partner sex, rough sex or kink, taboo sex such as sex in public, and gender-bending encounters. Research also finds, however, that having or even enjoying a sexual fantasy does not generally translate into desiring to experience it in real life.
In most people’s fantasies, their relationship partner is their companion. But a primary reason why people may not share their sexual fantasies with their partners is the fear that the fantasy will offend their partner or make a partner think less of them. The truth, though, is that most sexual fantasies are commonly held, even if people rarely speak about them, and that having a fantasy does not mean one actually wants to act it out with their partner. Sharing sexual fantasies without pressuring a partner to enact them can bring a couple closer together.
Having a threesome is usually cited as the most popular sexual fantasy, but surveys also show that people who have actually tried it in real life tended not to enjoy it. Other surveys find that when to comes to people’s top sexual fantasy—whatever it may be—only a third have ever actually tried it, although with the exception of threesomes, people who have tried their fantasies are more likely than not to have enjoyed it.
“Unconventional” sex is actually pretty common. Outdated ideas about sexual activity—such as that heterosexual vaginal intercourse is the only “proper” type of sex—linger in many people’s psyches but the truth is that masturbation, oral sex, using a vibrator, polyamory, and kink, to say nothing of fantasies about these and other activities, is far more common than most people imagine. A better understanding of what is and isn’t “normal” could help people experience less shame and reluctance about their sexual desires.
BDSM, or kink, is often perceived as a hobby or pastime separate from one’s sexual orientation, but some experts now suggest that it could or should be seen as an orientation itself, because it meets many of the standard criteria including a strong, consistent sexual attraction, early onset, lifelong patterns of arousal, and psychological consequences from denying or repressing it.
A body of research has consistently found that people who engage in BDSM or kink are as sexually and emotionally healthy as the rest of the population. In fact, there is some evidence that committed BDSM relationships are at least as fulfilling as other romantic connections because they by definition require communication, agreement, trust, and intimacy, all key elements of healthy sexual partnerships.