Twins Listening to Twins

It is astounding how much is written about twin closeness and the love twins have for one another—when in my personal and professional experiences, twinship can be a challenging and even a combative, contentious, and strangling relationship.

Many twins share with me that they wish they were not a twin. I believe that closeness and deep communication are the hallmarks and rewards of twinship. I also know that closeness and the sharing of thoughts, feelings, and ideas can create deep and often confusing pain and unhappiness for both identical and fraternal twins. While it is hard for outsiders to understand, estrangement is a likely experience for twins if there is not enough emphasis from parents on the development of each child's individuality.

Unfortunately for parents of twins, and twins themselves, the possibility of estrangement is rarely discussed and often ignored. Looking for ways to avoid estrangement is not thought about by parents and twins because the closeness of twinship is generally idealized as normal and good. While some outlandish tales of deep twin anger are shared for shock value, the real problems twins face are not often discussed. For example, over-identification with one another and being a twin in a non-twin world are concerns I have written about that surprise twins and also enlighten them. In my experiences writing about the ups and downs of twinship and talking to twins about what it is like, I have discovered that countless twins are unhappy with each other and wish they weren't twins at all. As I write this, I know that what I am saying is controversial and even offensive to some, to whom I apologize. I don’t mean to hurt.

My own issues of twinship led me to understand the problems of twin estrangement and the value of twin group education and support. I genuinely felt like a damaged twin and a freak because my sister and I could not really get along. I spent many years trying harder to have a congenial relationship. I thought that perhaps I was not trying hard enough. But my “try as hard as you can” theory was a failure. We had great difficulty not being enraged at each other. Only my long and helpful experiences in psychoanalysis, which provoked a lot of self-reflection, let me hold onto the anger and resentment that both my sister and I had toward each other and why it was so intense.

I was left to make an educated and emotional decision about why I always fought with my sister. Reading about twins and writing my dissertation on twin identity development really laid the groundwork for my beliefs. Simply stated, what can help twins the most is to “understand,” with other twins who face the same issues of separation and loneliness, that being a twin is hard.

The Birth of an Educational Support Group for Twins

The group that emerged from this thinking—“Why It Is Hard to Be a Twin"—is also based on centuries of the idealization (myth) of the twin bond and of disinterest (disinterest from academics and from twins themselves) concerning twin unhappiness and the unique features of twin development.

Committed to the deep value of education, I developed some key issues to focus on with other twins who were interested in talking about their difficulty getting along with their sister or brother. The readings for the group have included my books on twins, among others. The key ideas that that continue to be at the core of its curriculum are:

1. Why twins develop their sense of self differently than non-twins.
2. How twins can learn how they are similar and different from their co-twin in order to embrace their own identity in a more positive way.
3. Why it is hard for twins to understand “boundaries” with their co-twin, which are critical to a strong sense of self. In other words, when twins share too much (“sharing” in the old non-psychological sense of the word; e.g., sharing a toy), anger and resentment are created and cause unhappiness for both twins, as well as a lack of individual direction.
4. Why loneliness for twins is more serious than lonesomeness for non-twins.
5. The many reasons why twins feel invisible with their twin and with other people.
6. Why taking friendships away from your twin is a serious cause of anger and resentments and feelings of betrayal.
7. Favoritism that begins in infancy is common and should be understood and not dismissed, because favoritism creates estrangement.

Twin support from group members through the sharing of experiences and giving advice have also been vital to the interactive curriculum, and have been a part of every group meeting. Personal issues such as anger and disappointment in your twin, and being a twin in a non-twin world, were discussed openly. Criticism (that you did or said something “wrong”) was not a part of this educational support experience because I felt that unnecessary criticism was a major issue between twins. Positive reflections on an individual twin’s adjustments to problems were encouraged to set a tone for the group that limited negativity. Issues with the co-twin, children, spouse, and family were discussed.

Some of our twin groups continue to this very day. Family connections, estrangement and closeness, and favoritism are typically discussed and personal reflection is encouraged. Encouraged as well are the development of goals to understand one's twin attachment and accept their bond for what it is, be it good or difficult.

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

The Unique Development of Twin Language

How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond

Why This Social Emotional Educational Experience “Worked Out” Painful Feelings

Whe twins who contacted me about the group were interested in understanding why twinship was a challenge and how other twins felt and reacted to not being able to get along with their sister or brother. Affirmation and understanding have seemed to open a new world for those who have participated. In some instances a twin group has helped twins become closer. In other instances, twins decided to hold onto their distance. Group members have encouraged twins to follow their hearts and act in their own interests, not their twin's. There were no rules suggested for how to engage with a twin, and the ups and downs of being a twin were respected.

While finding a twin group or building your own group may be difficult, the importance of twin feedback cannot be denied. Just as mothers of twins have groups to solve and/or resolve problems with their children, twins need peer interaction to feel whole as a twin. Being a twin is worth reflecting upon, especially with the close and necessary support of other twins.

I am starting a new twin educational support group; for more, visit www.estrangedtwins.com.