Favoritism Creates Long-Lasting Conflicts for Twins

While some forms of favoritism are inevitable, parents and other primary caregivers must take into account how these perhaps unthought-through or unconsciously derived labels are destructive to the development of a healthy identity for twins. Favoritism creates a serious source of twin unhappiness and conflict in all aspects of twin life, including:

1. Developing a healthy sense of self.
2. Developing friendships.
3. Learning to be a part of a social group.
4. Attending family events with your twin present.
5. Pursuing your own life, by limiting your reliance on your twin’s opinions about your decisions.

Why Favoritism Gets Started

Favoritism begins with the parents’ inability to deal with real differences between their twin children. It is a side-effect of inadequate attention to identity development that creates feelings of entitlement or inadequacy in a twin pair.

“Who is special and can do no wrong” or “who is inadequate and can do nothing good enough” can become a long-lasting part of twin identity throughout life. I have been asked countless times by twins themselves, parents, and close others, “Why do these labels develop and last?” If I had the answer, I would spread it far and wide. Unfortunately, it is hard to generalize because each set of twins is different, and they come from different types of families.

The most understandable answer, which may not be the best answer or the right answer, is as follows. Mom and Dad are angry with each other and see one twin as the cause of their anger—the bad twin. The co-twin, who might be more soft-spoken or more outgoing, becomes the good twin, who is entitled to special privileges. Or one twin is more like their loving mother, and the other twin is more like their angry dad. These labels are used, whether verbally or non-verbally, in a twin fight that escalates.

In a twin war, fighting can begin anywhere. For example, who had more cheerios? Or who broke the mirror in the hallway? Outsiders, and yes, even parents, take sides. Mom says, “It was Helen; she is the reckless twin.” Dad says, “No, Hailey did it.” Twins learn to resent each other, and it can become impossible to hide or gloss over the anger that twins feel toward one another.

As twins grow into adulthood, one twin may not show up at an important family event to avoid a confrontation with their twin. Family dinner parties, weddings, graduations, and trips to go hiking or shopping are very difficult and problematic. Everyone who attends an event with the twins, including the invited relatives, is subjected to hidden or out-in-the-open chaos when twins have difficulty controlling themselves. Obviously, twins should be able to ignore each other for the betterment of the other guests. The entitled twin always feels like she deserves to be first in attention and importance. Her more invisible sister—the bad twin—objects and tries to persuade others, such as mom, dad, sisters and brothers, to back her up.

Writing about family discord based on favoritism makes me sad and even confused. Both twins are, at times, good and, at times bad. Anything goes when there is a disagreement. I know so well that twin fighting has no boundaries from my own personal battles and listening to other twins. Fortunately for everyone close by, not all twins fight endlessly about who is prettier, smarter, richer, or more successful. Some twins who have developed a good sense of themselves can manage to be polite to each other in public situations. Nevertheless, comparison and competition seem to always overtake manners. Taking the high road and letting go of anger seems impossible when families get together to celebrate an event or take a casual trip to the beach.

How Fighting Starts

You will see the beginnings of seemingly competitive nonsense when twins are young. They want desperately what the other twin has, no matter what it may be. Minor grabbing of one another’s goodies is always present and apparent when you meet young twins. I have suggested to parents to label what toy belongs to each twin and then make labels for items that can be shared. This activity actually works for a while and teaches twins boundaries for who owns what. This pattern of wanting and needing what your twin has travels with twins as they grow. Stopping jealousy is a hard-won battle. Sometimes, even as senior twins, my sister and I still need what the other has. Favoritism is so natural and makes the war more intense. The good twin deserves everything, and the bad twin is angry that she can’t have what she wants.

Favoritism Outside of the Home

Social situations for twins in each other’s presence can be difficult later in life. Very common and much contested is the problem of one twin taking or stealing the other twin’s friend. When twins don’t get along, they really do not get along. “Who is right and who is wrong” is the most common theme of twin wars. “Who is entitled to take the car or stay out late” is another source of stress that leads to fighting. Family pressure to correct or diminish twin anger at one another can be very ineffective and even damaging to the creation of harmony or just goodwill between twins. In other words, trying to promote twin friendship is very hard to do because of the depth of anger that twins have toward each other.

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

The Unique Development of Twin Language

How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond

What Is Helpful

In my work with twins, I have not found one strategy that works for all twin pairs. Some interventions do partially help. For example, making clear the purpose and activities of an event can prepare twins for the event. Let’s say Monica is graduating from high school. Invitations are sent out with all of the when, where, and what will happen. Seats are assigned so that the fighting twins are not close to one another. Food and other entertainment are pointed out and described. Gifts or no gifts are suggested. How many extra people are invited creates the framework for how busy the event will be and the possibility of ending up with your unfavored sister or brother (lots of people, less of a possibility). These details help everyone stay focused on the event in the present, which hopefully eliminates discussions of past events that were not successful.

Avoid Pressure to Fix Twin Unhappiness Related to Comparison and Competition

Another strategy for both close family and interested outsiders that is very useful is to not pressure the twins to get along, no matter what you think. For example, my twin sister and I have great difficulty showing up concurrently at a wedding, funeral, or graduation. I worry that my sister will talk incessantly about her career challenges. As well, I wonder what outlandish clothes she’ll wear. And that she won’t have a bite of food. In turn, she’ll worry that I look fat and act too much like a doctor.

These criticisms that are projected on one another begin with comparisons. Who got better grades? Who looks the best in skinny jeans? Truly, just thinking about the comparisons and competitions others put upon us by asking questions creates a demoralizing internalization. I know that we are not the only twins with this problem. The extent that labels become alive in twins' identity predicts whether twin love and harmony will survive. Estrangement is an offshoot of favoritism.

Final Words of Advice

What could help would be to extend empathy to the twins who are fighting. For example, you could say, “Your anger at each other must be hard for you to live with.” Or use your own words to convey that you see that the twins are struggling to be civil to each other without much success. Try to communicate that you understand they are not fighting for fun and to make their families unhappy. Sometimes, twins simply cannot get along. Suggestions often fall on deaf ears and can create more problems. Your words will not likely be the right words to end a lifelong problem between twins.

In other words, while your concern is important and valuable, the twins’ reaction to the concern of others is unpredictable. When someone says to me, “Let’s help you make up,” what serves me in these situations is to say directly, “I appreciate your concern, and I am working on this in my own way. Our fighting is a deep problem that is impossible for non-twins to understand.”