How to Build an Adult Twin Relationship

A sense of separateness for twins is a personal subjective experience for each twin. What twins share is intense and hard for non-twins to understand. Generalizations, such as “twinship is an ideal relationship” or “twins should be able to get along,” reduce the meaning of what is shared and what is lost as twins gain independence.

While twins seriously long for freedom and the time to develop a unique sense of self, the transition to achieve this lofty goal in adulthood is remarkably stressful. Conflict over freedom to be “just me” and the need for closeness can be pervasive. The manifestations of these conflicts are seen in intense fighting and remarkable anger.

Independence, the need for separation, and the development of individual identity are observable in infancy, early childhood, childhood, and adolescence. These formative years prepare twins for leaving home and pursuing separate lives as adults. The quality of parenting and educational experiences received will determine the struggles twins will face in solving many life-skill and emotional problems independently.

Making friends, getting to school or work on time, finding lunch or dinner to share with someone, selecting a boyfriend or girlfriend, deciding what outfit is right for every occasion that comes up, and finding affordable transportation are among the many decisions that twins face on their own as they transition into young adulthood. Unfortunately, easy sharing and problem solving are no longer immediately available, and a twin must make her or his own decisions.

Yes, We Are Different People

The turmoil over separation in adulthood is based on the twin pair realizing in a very profound way that goes beyond favorite interests that they are different people who cannot agree. Immediately or quickly, twins will choose different friends, activities, clothes, food, boyfriends, cars, etc.

The days of sharing and agreement are long gone. A sense of almost hyper-independence begins to flourish with some twin pairs. Young adult twins try to convince their co-twin that “my decisions are better than yours.” Who is right and who is wrong can gain a war-like intensity. While the search for identity and independence is critical for twins, this journey is emotionally draining for the twins and others who get dragged into their fights.

New allies are found to support one twin against the other. “Whose side are you on?” can become a destructive family issue that is nearly impossible to untangle. Personal and subjective turmoil over who is right and who is wrong becomes tiring to onlookers, but oh-so-real to adult twins who are in a disagreement.

Childhood fighting is normal, troublesome, and common. Parents who address the childhood and teenage fights twins get into have given them the gift of a stronger twin bond. Teaching twins how they are similar and different from each other and special in their own ways will help twins renegotiate their relationship in adulthood. In my personal and consulting experiences, adulthood is a very, very difficult time for twins because being different from your twin is a serious affront to your sense of self, your identity.

Adult fighting can be more hateful and aggressive than childhood skirmishes, although once I talked to boy-girl twins who had a huge fight, the brother threw a kitchen knife at his sister.

Common Adult Life Struggles

Most twins I have talked to miss their twin in adulthood when they live separate lives. Some twins cannot separate at all and remain within close distance of one another. Deep hatred of one another from childhood trauma and abuse can make twins fearful of each other and avoidant of being together.

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

The Unique Development of Twin Language

How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond

Estrangement is common in adulthood for many reasons. Unfortunately, twin estrangement is not well understood and looked down upon by non-twins, who idealize the twin relationship. Lack of understanding of twin fighting by family, friends, and therapists impedes the development of closeness in adult life.

In general, communication and the ability to accept the other member of the pair is the most common struggle in adulthood.

Here are some strategies to reduce adult fighting and develop a supportive, positive adult relationship.

1. Open communication that avoids hostility, name-calling, threatening, and yelling about problems you are having with your twin.
2. Understanding, respecting, and accepting how you and your twin are different, will lower identity confusion and help to avoid ongoing arguments.
3. Avoid, if possible, getting close to others to take your side in the arguments you are having with your twin.
4. Do not use family members as weapons if you are unhappy with your twin.
5. Consider psychotherapy with a professional who is familiar with twin problems.
6. Find other twins who might understand your twin problems.