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Key points
- The dilemma of letting go is one of the toughest you can face.
- Understanding why you can’t let go helps you accept change quicker.
- It's possible to learn how to let go gracefully with six simple strategies.
When President Joe Biden announced his withdrawal from the 2024 election, some people were surprised it took so long. But whether you’re leaving public office, a relationship, or a party, the stay-or-go dilemma is one of the toughest decisions we face. While some won’t let go, others can’t. Appreciating the reasons why helps you accept the transition and fosters empathy for those who may struggle.
Why Do People Cling On?
As I write in my book, TUNE IN: How to Make Smarter Decisions in a Noisy World, even the smartest individuals fall prey to misjudgment, triggered by a range of power, ego, risk, emotion, and identity-related traps that narrow perspective. We tune into the voice of convenience over common sense.
Biden’s uncomfortable dilemma played out under a global microscope. Media depiction of a frail 81-year-old was married with the unfit-to-serve message. This was drip-fed since the disastrous presidential debate. He had a choice yet he didn’t, forced to bury personal preference for the greater good.
Some decide more easily. After JFK’s assassination, Lyndon B. Johnson decided not to seek another term. Post-pandemic, former New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinta Ardern resigned with “not enough left in the tank.”
When you feel forced to do something against your will, psychological reactance results. During COVID-19, government-imposed sanctions and mask-wearing mandates that led to factions of resistance sprouting up everywhere. People double down and become the proverbial ostrich. When we feel pushed or pressured, we also escalate commitment to our beliefs in confirmation bias.
The smarter the individual, the more compelling the arguments in a cycle of delusion. Acceptance is easier when we decide.
Another reason we cling on is that we can’t see how the future will unfold, and we catastrophize. “What if I don’t get another job?” “What if I hate retirement?” “What if I end up alone?” We dread the uncertainty. The delusion of certainty beats the dilemma of certain doubt. Add to this, the loss of identity. No longer the power-wielding CEO, club leader, or U.S. president. Who are you? We become our titles.
Moving on is especially challenging when it involves perceived betrayal or a forced exit. Fired employees typically resent those who are left behind. I’ve seen this in many mergers. Similarly, Olympic athletes, CEOs, actors, and entertainers struggle with forced retirement, especially if it comes with physical or mental decline. Some just plow on in blind defiance of reality. For instance, Tiger Woods still competes in tournaments despite career-threatening injuries. Muhammad Ali remained in the boxing ring well past his prime. And Barbra Streisand’s farewell tour preceded several comebacks.
In business, CEO performance peaks around seven to 10 years, yet many refuse to quit. Few want to lose power and A-type personalities don’t surrender, it contradicts their DNA. Donald Trump struggled to accept defeat in 2020, claiming a rigged election. Good judgment is getting harder.
A sense of entitlement can creep in when surrounded by ring-kissing sycophants. Some think success depends on them. Biden said, “I don’t think anybody’s more qualified to be president, than me." This is a familiar refrain.
Even monarchs delay the transfer of power. Sun King Louis XIV boasted the longest reign in European history at 74 years. Emperor Hirohito of Japan presided for 64 years and Cuba’s Fidel Castro for 49 years. Only when Queen Elizabeth II passed after a 70-year rule did 73-year-old Charles inherit the crown. Chronic indecision is a common response, but solutions exist.
6 Strategies to Let Go Gracefully
While it’s impossible to know the right time to quit, there’s often a wrong time, when it’s too late and you damage your legacy or relationship. Once the decision has been made, the rate of bounce-back depends on mindset and whose voice is heard. Behavioral science suggests six simple strategies to ease the cognitive burden.
- Acknowledge Discomfort. Processing anger, shame, or disappointment is healthy. The bruises of an unfaithful partner, divorce, or disloyal colleague are slow to fade. Don’t expect closure from something likely to stay open.
- Tune into The Right Voices. Well-wishers utter platitudes. "Just start again.” "It’s a new chapter.” We hear who we want and tune out dissenters. Listen to alternative voices for alternative strategies. Also, learn from the intransigent. Britain’s Theresa May failed to secure support for Brexit and was forced to resign. Consider how to manage painful feedback.
- Learn from Those Who Exit. Many people exit on a high. British rower Steve Redgrave won five gold medals in five Olympics over 16 years of intense competition. And 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comăneci retired as the first to score a perfect 10 in the 1980 Olympics. Think Bezos or Buffett. It preserves your legacy.
- Reframe Loss as a Gain. Deciding to quit or retire early takes character. Often, we equate change with more loss than gain. When tennis iceman Björn Borg retired at 26, the world was shocked. No longer enjoying the game, he recreated a new path. Dealing with the aftermath also takes resilience to bounce back.
- Gain Relative Perspective. Things are never as bad as they seem. Compare yourself to those with terminal illnesses or economic hardship. The contrast effect minimizes the risk of overreaction to something that feels disproportionately traumatic. Humans have an enormous capacity to adjust.
- When It’s Gone, Move On. When Novak Djokovic won the French Open in 2023, he shared his winning formula. When he misses a tie-breaker or match point, he moves on. The moment is gone. There's no time for dwelling on what should have been. He places psychological distance between the error and the next move. He urges us to "live in the present, forget the past as the future will just happen.“
Most of us will face the uncomfortable decision at some stage. "Will I go or will I stay?” By understanding the psychological dynamics of those who make the call, we reset expectations not only for ourselves but for others.
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