Aging Gracefully: Everyone Is Replaceable

Recently, I realized that I’d made an error in my schedule. I’m a teacher, and I’d agreed to teach a class during a week when I was going to be on vacation. I was frustrated with myself but, more than that, I had the thought, “I have to be here. Only I can teach that class.” Within a few hours, however, I realized that that could not be true. I have colleagues who are good teachers, and I was able to find someone to cover this class. I took a deep breath, relaxed my shoulders, and looked forward to my trip. The course would go on; the students would learn. Although I had wanted to be in the class, there was another way. There always is.

Everyone is replaceable.

That doesn’t mean that my contribution to the course isn’t valuable or meaningful. It also doesn’t mean that my colleague will teach in the same way that I would have. Being replaceable doesn’t mean being interchangeable. If I’m covered by a colleague, or if ultimately another instructor takes over the whole course, the experience for the students will be different. We’re not robots who can be programmed to be identical. Nor would we want to be. But other people can and will do the jobs we do. They’ll do them differently, and sometimes even better. Things will go on.

In my life, I’ve realized that when I think I’m not replaceable, something is going on inside of me. Perhaps I’m feeling afraid of the future, insecure about my abilities, or in need of reassurance. If you think about it, it makes sense that feeling irreplaceable is a way of coping with the existential fear of being replaceable. And the older I get, the more I realize that it’s part of worrying about becoming obsolete and no longer needed.

I’ve also realized that, generally, when I feel irreplaceable it’s exactly the moment to step aside and to allow others to gradually take over. It’s like a poker tell – a secret signal that the moment has come to move to something new. Perhaps it’s a new class, or maybe it’s running a new committee. The internal feeling of needing to hold on for dear life is the very signal that it’s time to let go. And with that comes freedom and growth, both for me and for the folks who come in to breathe new life into whatever I’ve been doing.

Source: Deborah Cabaniss

Erik Erikson, the developmental psychologist who wrote “The Eight Ages of Man,” (Erikson, 1950), suggested that the conflict of middle age was between generativity and stagnation. The anxiety of not being able to let go is a great way to allow ourselves to know that we might be in danger of stagnating. Think of the difference between a stagnant pond and a flowing stream. I know which one I’d rather be!

Allowing ourselves to realize that letting go is a path to new growth can be a secret to graceful aging. It’s not easy. It involves mourning what has been, while also recognizing that holding on won’t stem the progression of time. How can we do this well? Here are a few ideas:

1. Notice the thought, “Only I can do this.” Allow it to come into consciousness. If you ignore it, you can’t use it to grow and develop.
2. Talk to other people about your feelings. You might talk to friends, family, or a therapist. Talking to other people at your stage of life can be particularly helpful. There’s no doubt that others have had the same thought.
3. Feel a range of feelings. You might feel sad that it’s time to move on from something you’ve enjoyed. You might feel anxious about what’s to come. You might feel relieved of something that you didn’t even realize had become a burden. Whatever you feel, let it in.
4. Plan what’s next. No matter your stage of life, there’s more to come. What have you wanted to do but couldn’t because of what you’d committed to in the past? What’s the next challenge? How will it fit into your life?
5. Lean on your support, as you move from one thing to the next. It’s not something you have to do alone.

I discussed the idea that everybody is replaceable with a young colleague, who said, “That’s so zen!” The idea that I had a “zen” moment felt new to me. I might be growing already!