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As a resident of Nova Scotia and an adopted Maritimer, the events over the weekend hit home for me. They were a painful, senseless tragedy. These suggestions are offered to try to help cope while recognizing that there is no way to “make this better”. It is a tragedy.
First, recognize that it is okay to feel however you feel. Common feelings are sadness, distress, anger. You are distressed over this because this bothers you. Your feelings are showing up for good reason. It makes sense to have these feelings. The fact that this is shocking and upsetting is because it doesn’t happen often and that’s a good thing. Allow your feelings to be there. It’s also okay to feel nothing. Sometimes our emotional systems get overwhelmed and it’s like a circuit breaker that just shuts all the feelings off and we just feel numb. That’s okay too.
Many will feel grief. Grief is like a wave that will just hit you. Sometimes that wave shows up because it’s prompted by some reminder of the loss but sometimes it just shows up out of nowhere. Our best bet is not to fight the wave and to ride it out. That means to allow yourself to feel sad and to cry. The wave will pass but the more you fight it, the more exhausted you will be. Think of the difference between trying to swim against the tide vs riding a wave to the shore. You’ll probably find that you feel a bit better after a good cry.
Tears are a social signal for support. Our typical response to tears is to reach out and hug the person who is crying. Tears help to signal to others that we need support. Of course, during the current pandemic reaching out and hugging someone might not be possible. But recognize that humans have an amazing ability to experience things through our minds. I mean, we can imagine things and it can feel just as real as if it were really happening. A simple example of this is to imagine biting into a lemon. Whatever response you notice, perhaps wrinkling your nose or imagine tasting the sourness, isn’t because a lemon is actually there, it’s because we can experience things through the mind.
This is both a curse and a gift. We can spend time imagining the horrors of the event or we can spend time offering ourselves and others comfort and support even if we can’t physically be there. It is still a powerful effect to say to someone: “Oh, I just wish I could hug you right now.” And to imagine what that hug would feel like. Share the grief and the sadness and the support and the comfort through technology. Human minds have a way of making that feel real even if you can’t do it in person. Being together in sorrow is the most powerful tool we have to cope with loss, tragedy, and grief. It’s doesn’t take the pain away but it adds comfort and that makes the pain more bearable.
We will all ask, Why? And we will try to figure out how someone could behave this way. The reality is that there will never be a satisfying answer. Because no matter what we come up with, you would still never behave the way that man did. Whatever trauma, stress, and difficulties he was facing, we probably still can’t imagine ourselves behaving the way he did. There is no “why” that will make this make sense or make us feel better. Most people would not behave the way he did even given whatever circumstances he was facing. That is why these events are hard to predict, prevent, or explain. They don’t make sense.
But it is a normal human response to try to figure out why. The brain doesn’t like uncertainty. It wants to know why so it can try to keep us safe. If you notice yourself trying to figure out why, that’s completely normal. But it may not be the best use of your energy or time.
Rather than trying to figure out why, the better way to spend your energy is to use your distress to do the opposite of what he did: to be caring and kind and loving. Add compassion and care to the world instead of darkness. Reach out to someone, connect with someone, send a virtual hug, cry together on the phone. Show the best sides of humanity rather than the worst through your own behaviour.
And be kind to yourself. This is stressful. This is distressing. We won’t be at our best. This is really hard. Wrap your arms around yourself, give yourself a hug, and call someone you love.
There are also many online resources to access additional support. Consider mental health crisis lines, EAP programs, or private psychologists. You don't have to cope alone.
