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If you are coupled, you are probably looking forward to Valentine’s Day with a mixture of excitement, anticipation, and joy. Even if you hate “Hallmark holidays,” you are likely to be no worse than indifferent to the whole fuss. For those in difficult relationships Valentine’s is thornier—but most people still put on a happy face and either endure the holiday or sometimes approach it as an opportunity to make things better.
Regardless of what category of “coupled” you fall into, you likely are not thinking about how hard it must be to be single on Valentine’s Day. Perhaps you have been in a relationship for a long time and have forgotten about the trials and tribulations of singlehood. Even if you have been single in the recent past or for long periods of time, you are not likely to think about those times when the going was hard. Research shows that, for most people, memory for negative feelings and thoughts fades quickly.
Census data from 2017 shows that 34 percent of American adults are single and neither married nor in a committed relationship with a life partner. As a practicing psychologist, I find that the time around Valentine’s is difficult for most single people. It comes on the heels of the holiday season, when many unattached people are peppered with questions by family members about their dating life and bombarded with images of happy marriages and children enjoying the festivities. Then the stores fill up with all things Valentine’s and social media lights up with countless “fabulous ideas for celebrating this holiday of love.” A frequent sentiment I hear from my single clients is the sense that they are invisible, forgotten not only by society but also by their coupled friends. “I feel like my siblings and friends don’t know what to do around me so they just avoid me around Valentine’s,” complained one of them. “My dating or married friends just don’t get it. They have no idea how lucky they are and how hard it can be to go through this life alone…and Valentine’s just rubs it in,” said another.
If you are happily coupled and find yourself actively or passively avoiding your single friends around Valentine’s Day, it might be worthwhile to examine where the discomfort is coming from. Are you afraid that you won’t know what to say? Are you concerned that hanging around the negativity that single folks might project will ruin your Valentine’s excitement? Or that you will somehow feel guilty for having a significant other and being happy? Maybe you have just convinced yourself that your efforts will only make things worse and that single people are best left alone during this season?
It is normal to avoid situations that spur negative emotions—and it seems easier. Yet, we always pay a higher price when we sacrifice our values just to avoid feeling bad. What values are important to you when it comes to friendships? If being a good friend means being reliable, supportive, and compassionate, then you may need to accept being uncomfortable in the service of showing up. Show up as you would want others to show up for you if you were single. Psychological research and practice find that showing up will have multiple benefits:
- It will add meaning and satisfaction to your life as you behave as the person you want to be.
- You will feel good for helping others.
- It will strengthen your friendships.
- Your single friends will appreciate it, no matter how awkward the interactions might be.
How can you “show up” for your single friends? Try the following steps:
1. Reach out.
Text, call, Facetime, Skype, chat, email. Set up a time to see them in person on or around Valentine’s Day.
2. Ask questions about their life—and then listen.
Once you are face-to-face with your single friends, inquire about how they are doing. Be brave and ask how it is for them to be single right now. Do not assume anything, just be curious. Listen, really listen! Ask follow-up questions. Express empathy through your body language and words. You might be surprised about how much closer you will feel to your friends—and about how much gratitude you will feel about your own situation.
3. Offer to help them find a partner (if they desire one).
Matchmaking is like a lost art and so few people are eager to do it nowadays. You don’t need to be happy or even comfortable with the idea, just willing to do it because it will help a friend. You might think that you are bad at predicting which two people will like each other or you might think you shouldn’t meddle because things might get messy. You might also assume that there are so many options these days with online and app dating that you could add little of value—but these are all convenient and common excuses not to get involved. Besides, research suggests that friends and family are actually quite good at predicting who will be a good match, as I discussed in my previous blog. In that same blog, I reviewed psychological studies indicating why online/app dating is an extremely inefficient and often demoralizing way to find a partner.
You can make a real difference in your single friends’ lives. If you know someone who fits the basic criteria for a given single friend, offer to connect them. Matchmaking does not have to be elaborate or difficult. Sending a group email or text to both parties will suffice. It does not matter if they don’t click—or even if they end up disliking each other. Your single friends will still be grateful that you tried.
If nobody appropriate comes to mind, you could introduce your single friends to any of your other friends, neighbors, or acquaintances who are social and connected to a lot of people. They are likely to know some potential matches. Also, think of any groups, clubs, or organizations that you belong to, and recommend them to your single friends if the groups have suitable single members.
This Valentine’s Day, stop to think about your single friends and see if you can help them in their quest to find love. It just might make your Valentine’s Day shine a bit brighter.
