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Key points
- When we ask for feedback, criticism is usually involved.
- How we interpret it matters to you and your relationships. It’s not always as harsh as you imagine.
- You can manage your psychological response in five simple ways.
"What do you really think"? "Tell me if you disagree." Asking friends, colleagues, or employees for feedback feels open-minded and mature.
But is the invitation really quite so open?
Logically, such an invitation means you should expect some level of criticism or contradiction, whether justified or not. But most of us don’t. In reality, we’re just looking for affirmation. Otherwise, we would say “Please criticize me!” Meanwhile, the person giving the feedback feels obligated to justify the honor of being asked with some criticism.
Although we intellectually understand the value of feedback, science shows that even something as minor as differing views are secretly resented. Most people react allergically. Many only want to hear, "You're right!"
Invitation and Response
The problem is not just that you dislike the message but you also dislike the messenger—and unconsciously change your attitude toward them.
Harvard's Julia Minson tested the effect of differing opinions on likability. In an experiment, each participant read their designated partner’s opinions about controversial issues like the death penalty, marijuana use, and trade unions.
Then, each participant ranked their partner in terms of likelihood to be picked for a team or approached for advice. What did she find?
Unsurprisingly, we don't like others to disagree with us! Dissenters were far less likely to be picked or approached.
Unaware of the psychological impact of opinion-giving, people freely offer alternative opinions all the time. Some enthusiastic opinion-givers want to look smart. Others believe they're helping. Most underestimate how clumsy communication can deflate ego and trigger adverse reactions.
You'll like them less, rate them lower, and devalue their opinion—even if they're an expert. Why? Because likability, or in this case "dislikability," is a stronger emotion than credibility.
When a colleague, client, employee, or investor disagrees with you, it should be a neon red flag to regulate your emotional reaction rather than be defensive. Yet it isn't.
Even minor sources of difference can become a disproportionately magnified threat. People shut down and become more guarded. In the workplace, disagreement heightens the risk of talent being sidelined, customers ignored, and opportunities overlooked. In society, you pay an exclusion penalty and don’t get invited to barbeques. In business, be associated with too much controversy and you don’t get invited to join boards.
A challenging personality or maverick may be initially disliked, but discordant views can fuel progress and spark innovation. Elon Musk, Richard Branson, and James Dyson all challenged conventional thinking.
So how can you navigate this emotional minefield yet still process honest feedback?
Five Ways to Handle Perceived Criticism
Making feedback proportionate, constructive, and sensitive is an obvious, if atypical, start. As a global consultant and behavioral scientist who gives advice, I try to avoid psychological reactions when engaging with clients.
When you’re receiving feedback, several strategies help us to appropriately respond to implied or actual criticism:
1. Expect Criticism
Criticism hurts, but it's not usually personal. When criticism comes from a more senior figure or expert, listen acutely. It’s easy to learn from others' mistakes. Recall the swift downfall of former British Prime Minister Liz Truss? She refused to accept counsel from the International Monetary Fund about tax policies. Error is predictable but our responses less so.
2. Deconstruct Dissent
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos offers his advice: "Listen and be open, but don't let anybody tell you who you are." Appropriate self-belief is the hallmark of successful leaders. Sometimes, it's better to take advice than to give it. Also, consider the messenger: do comments represent criticism or just a different perspective? It helps to differentiate between petty and productive messages. Sometimes feedback is malevolent, but even knowing that mitigates its power.
3. Regulate Emotions
Of course, it makes sense to create the right mental platform to hear counter comments in the first place. People in your network must feel comfortable enough to disagree, even on trivial matters. Then, your emotional intelligence sets in. It’s a tricky but essential balance for those holding power, whether as a parent, politician, or professional.
4. Calibrate Your Response
It's normal to feel threatened or irritated by alternative opinions. Note the risks of conscious incompetence. What if the feedback might actually be true? Pause in the moment and consider the broader picture. This tempers potential resentment toward the opinion giver. Encourage people to consider how they deliver a message, so as not to embarrass others. People never forget what you say about them. Those wounds don’t just linger but fester.
5. Disagree in Private
The best politicians, leaders and diplomats choose to disagree in private and challenge in public. That minimizes the risk of point-scoring gamesmanship. It’s important to isolate individuals who may be just challenging to get attention or to try to impress. I try to remember that there's usually more offense taken than given.
Next time someone disagrees with you, pause long enough to appreciate the broader value to the situation, organization and yourself. The opinion giver is also judging your credibility by the measured nature of your response.
Anyone can criticize. Only some criticize constructively and respectfully.
The world is already polarized—the more we can do to narrow potential hostility, the better.
