When Words Fail: 5 Ways to Tame Out-of-Control Conflict

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It was yet another epic battle for Jayden and Ericka. Starting as a difference of opinion, it ended up in a dual meltdown as she screamed in frustration and fled the room and he threatened divorce. This had become a distressing routine for them by the time they arrived in my office for couples counseling. It was obvious that what divided them most was not so much their differing opinions, but rather the habits underlying their out-of-control conflicts.

We frequently advise couples on words to use and to avoid: making “I” rather than “you” statements, talking about one’s feelings rather than jumping to blame and accusation, and avoiding phrases like “You never…” or “You always…” Those tactics can work well in de-escalating relationship conflict.

But there are times when habits rooted in the past, anger that turns to rage, and attitudes that poison the dialogue weaponize language. In those instances, making some quiet, internal changes can help to make disagreements and conflicts less explosive and more productive.

1. Focus on explosion control by anticipating triggers. What are the topics, issues, or timing of discussions that can lead to loss of control? Jake found that he invariably lost his temper when his wife Samantha would confront him as soon as he walked in the door after a long day at work and a stressful commute home. “It wasn’t her issues that got to me, but the timing,” he told me. “If we could take half an hour or an hour to unwind after work before discussing anything major, I think we could resolve most of our problems without fighting.” There also may be certain topics that are likely to escalate a reasonable discussion into a painful battle or stand-off. To avoid going from 0-60 emotionally, take a deep breath and focus on calming down to keep your discussion civil before you both get so angry that you lose control.
2. Leave the past behind and stay in the present. This can mean moving away quite consciously from conflict styles rooted in your past—either in your childhood or in your history as a couple. Some people find themselves recreating parental battles they heard as children. This was the case with Jayden and Ericka. He grew up with parents who screamed at each other with unsettling regularity. Ericka’s mother’s way of dealing with an argument was to storm out of the room, ending all discussion. As much as they didn’t want to replicate their parents’ lives, that old behavior had become their default as adults. Keep in mind that what didn’t work for your parents probably isn’t going to work for you either. Trying one thing different this time—perhaps viewing conflict as a challenge you can resolve together rather than a fight where someone wins and someone loses—can make a big difference. It can also help to keep your focus on the present issue without bringing back the pain of the past, stockpiling grievances until you’re both overwhelmed and wondering what you’re doing in this relationship.
3. When you’re about to say something that can’t be unheard or unsaid, don’t. Give yourself a timeout. Giving yourself even a few moments to filter through what’s mean and hurtful and what might lead to a peaceful resolution can make a difference. You might both agree, in calmer moments, that when anger escalates, asking to take a timeout will be a tactic that keeps your discussions productive rather than destructive. A long-ago client of mine I’ll call Chad had a distressing habit of erupting with communication-ending ultimatums and abusive comments whenever he and his wife Sarah disagreed. At best, he’d threaten divorce. At worst, he’d suggest that she kill herself. Even though he would apologize later, the pain and distrust those words caused kept them at an emotional distance. “It all seems so temporary,” Sarah said in one of our sessions. “I’ve stopped trusting that he’ll hang in there with me to work things out when he’s always talking about divorce or wishing I would die. He’s so intent on winning an argument that he forgets about my feelings and our future as a couple.” It’s OK to be angry during a disagreement. It’s not productive to inflict pain instead of working toward a solution.
4. Don’t match each other in vitriol. When you’re in pain, don’t inflict pain in kind until you're caught in an endless cycle of vitriol. Instead of hurling back threats and insults, be the one to take a step toward restoring some semblance of collaboration, civility, and calm. Suggest tabling the discussion until you both have a chance to think it through and talk about the issue calmly. Resolution is elusive when the issue gets lost in personal verbal attacks.
5. Let go of the need to be right. The need to be right, even when coupled with genuine concern, can lead to endless arguments. Nancy and her 17-year-old son Justin have a history of explosive conflict over his disinclination to eat breakfast before leaving for school. He says he isn’t hungry and doesn’t have time to eat a big breakfast. Nancy, citing her expertise as a registered dietician and her concern as a parent, counters that he must eat. And most of their morning battles ended with Justin storming out of the house with no breakfast and Nancy feeling furious and unheard. They finally agreed on a compromise. Nancy would hand her son a wrapped breakfast sandwich—often peanut butter and sliced banana—that he could put in his backpack to eat later (or not). She felt that she was doing her best to ensure that her son had adequate nutrition but conceded that he had a choice to eat the sandwich eventually or not. It can also help to identify and stop righteous stances that spark anger and resentment rather than increased understanding. For example, Gina ensured that every difference of opinion she had with her wife would end in expletives and slammed doors due to her habit of regarding every belief that diverged from her own as stupid. “I can’t stand stupid!” she would say while her wife Kris glowered beside her. We talked about her use of “stupid” to describe the divide between them and what a difference it might make to stop labeling her partner’s feelings and opinions and agree to disagree instead—or to discuss their opinions with an open mind instead of cutting one another off with contempt or simmering rage. In relentlessly seeking to win, there is so much to lose.