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Relationships
Listening: Your Key to Success
This powerful skill can transform relationships and the world.
Updated August 1, 2023 Reviewed by Ray Parker
Key points
- Research suggests that only 5% of conversations make people feel genuinely heard.
- Listening is not just civil, but it can also influence positive change.
- Listening has even been found to calm violent extremists, who later engage in more listening themselves.
Journalist Bruce Grierson asks, “What percent of people, at the end of a conversation, say they felt ‘heard’? A study recently published in Frontiers in Science answered the question: 5 percent. Only in one in 20 conversations do we feel genuinely heard at the end. We are really not very good at listening to each other.”
In recent years listening has often been belittled. There’s a popular message that if “good” people (my side) listen to the other side, rather than shutting them down, that just lets them get away with the harm they cause. Listening to the opposing political camp is called “self-flagellation” and “political correctness.” And we’re reminded that listening is too demanding and is a reflection of privilege.
But listening is not solely civil or privileged, it’s also one of the most ancient and effective ways to connect with other humans and, in many cases, even influence them. Whether you’re looking for more fulfilling relationships, or to create broader social change, listening is a powerful strategy.
Changes in Kenya by Listening
Nice Nailantei Leng’ete did something incredible. She convinced her Maasai community in Kenya to stop the long-established practice of female genital mutilation (FGM). She didn’t do it by shouting down the elders who valued the tradition. She listened and engaged in meaningful dialogue. She says, “Sometimes we blame people, but remember, we blame them because we don’t talk to them.”
Through hearing the values and interests of FGM supporters, Nailantei Leng’ete learned about her culture and ways to rejoice in it. And she eventually persuaded her community to stop FGM and replace it with a new ceremony celebrating young women’s educational achievements. Her ability to listen has helped save thousands of women from FGM.
That’s a remarkable story. But you might be thinking that it only happened because she was dealing with reasonable people who were willing to change their ways. What about talking to hardliners?
Leaving Hate Groups
Sammy Rangel does just that in his work with a nonprofit helping people leave hate groups. He's in regular contact with violent extremists and gang members. And his experience reflects that of Nailantei Leng’ete.
Rangel shares that consistently in talking to extremists: “What’s amazing is that when you listen, they actually calm down and listen in return.” He also corrects a common misconception: Listening doesn’t mean agreeing with them.
You can disagree, but first, the person needs to feel that you’ve heard them and care about them as a human being. The founder of a methodology called compassionate listening, Gene Knudsen Hoffman, goes so far as to assert that, “people open up to new thoughts and ideas when they are carefully listened to.”
Listening Studies Show Benefits
Rangel’s experience is consistent with results from a major European study into countering the radicalization of youth, according to The Guardian. It found that scare tactics and longer jail sentences actually make matters worse. Addressing factors like social exclusion through support and listening is far more effective.
Research finds that listening actually improves outcomes in a huge array of human interactions. As one article puts it, “Study after study shows in sector after sector—in medicine, marriage, real estate sales, and more—that true listening generates better results. And yet most of us go through our entire education without having learned how to do it.”
Economist Charles Carter agrees, arguing, “It takes a deliberate effort to relearn the art of listening to what is said.”
It’s fascinating that listening is so simple, and yet maybe in part because it feels simple, many of us are remarkably bad at it.
Mediators Chuck Doran and Megan Winkeler mention studies on how doctors diagnose patients.
Doctors typically interrupted their patients’ opening statements within 15-20 seconds to begin diagnosing. However, because the patients didn’t always start with the most important facts regarding their illness, the doctors were missing key information to diagnose more effectively. After hearing a few facts, they jumped to a conclusion.
I’ve certainly jumped to conclusions. Maybe you have too. In those cases, we would’ve benefitted from listening more deeply or asking questions with genuine curiosity.
This is all the more useful in a case where the speaker is unclear or is rambling. If the person keeps repeating themselves, that’s a sign that they don’t feel like you understand them yet. One great way to address this is to reflect back only on what you heard them say without adding any evaluations or points of your own.
Just paraphrase what you heard and ask if you got it right. Experiments show that when we’re speaking to an empathetic, attentive, and nonjudgmental listener, that increases our own clarity about our views. So listening in this way can help speakers to find what they want to say.
When I facilitate workshops, we come up with lists of what goes wrong in conversations. Participants are often surprised at how long these lists grow. A lack of clarity from the speaker is just one of the problems.
Big issues that block listening include assuming what will be said next, making judgments about the speaker or what they’re saying, and getting distracted—by your phone, by thinking of what you want to say, and by intense emotions.
The good news is that if you want to have better quality conversations and be more persuasive, it’s possible. Experiments show that sharing personal stories, listening, and talking in terms of what people value, all help door-to-door canvassers to have a small but lasting influence on total strangers.
When we’re actively listened to, brain scans suggest that we experience this as rewarding. Listening to someone can also cause your brainwaves to come into greater synch with theirs. For instance, one study found: “The more listeners understand what a speaker is saying, the more closely their brain responses mirror the speaker’s brain responses.”
Perhaps one of the reasons people critique listening is that they don’t want this synchrony with or understanding of the “other side.” It may even feel threatening to their self-understanding or social identity.
But what is it that you dislike so much about the “other side” that you want to be as far out of sync with them as possible? Often it’s that they don’t think about facts beyond what they already want to believe, they’re stuck in an ideological bubble, and they’re sure they’re right—a lot of the same things you may be doing, the more upset you get with them. That doesn’t mean you can’t take a moral stand. But if you want to do it without becoming like those you’re opposed to, you have to do it thoughtfully.
How? Continuing to listen and question your assumptions is a challenging but powerful approach.
