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Relationships
8 Ways to Keep Any Relationship Out of Trouble
Conflict is inevitable. Kindness should be, too.
Posted May 7, 2015
Relationships form the foundation of each and every one of us; they shape us from the moment we are born.
And romantic relationships are among the most beautiful, yet terrifying experiences we will ever have.
Not surprisingly, relationship issues are a common reason for seeking therapy. Being skilled at helping clients fill in the missing gaps and execute meaningful changes are the foundations of the therapeutic relationship. According to New York psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert:
"Dwelling in childhood dynamics or dramatic exchanges between partners is rarely effective. In fact, it can be toxic to the client’s ability to problem solve and make a choice.
If a patient comes to me and tells me she’s been unhappy with her boyfriend for the past year, I don’t ask, as some might, “How do you feel about that?” I already know how she feels about that. She just told me. She’s unhappy. When she asks me what I think she should do, I don’t respond with a return interrogatory, 'What do you think you should do?' If she knew, she wouldn’t ask me for my thoughts.
Instead I ask what might be missing from her relationship and sketch out possible ways to fill in relationship gaps or, perhaps, to end it in a healthy way. Rather than dwell on the past and hash out stories from childhood, I encourage patients to find the courage to confront an adversary, take risks, and embrace change. My aim is to give patients the skills needed to confront their fear of change, rather than to nod my head and ask how they feel."
If you have made mistakes in your relationship, here are 8 tips to get back on the right track :
1. Be willing to get hurt.
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” —Brené Brown
Communicate your feelings openly and honestly. Do not hide behind insecurity, bravado, or a blunted affect in order to save face. Putting your heart on the table, knowing it could be rejected for a shinier, newer and sexier model is risky. But as painful as rejection is, do you want to risk agonizing on your death bed about the one who got away?
2. Err on the side of kindness.
“Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.” —Albert Schweitzer
Our emotional brain and our physiology are most negatively impacted following a harsh exchange from those to whom we are most attached. According to researcher and psychologist John Gottman, a mean word or a tiny facial contortion of contempt or disgust is enough to speed up the heartbeat in the person to whom the comment or look is targeted. Conflict in couples is inevitable. Kindness should be, too.
3. Take ownership of your emotions.
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” —Mahatma Gandhi
A popular tenet of cognitive-behavior therapy is that your thoughts cause your feelings, not people or things. This can seem counterintuitive after a heated argument, but you do have control over how you respond. To reclaim your rational footing, ask yourself these questions:
- Is my thinking based in fact?
- Does my thinking help me achieve my goals?
- Does my thinking help me feel the way I want to feel?
4. Embrace independence.
“Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.” —Leo Buscaglia
Partners who embrace their own interests and experiences have a healthy identity. Foster your own friends and do not feel pressured to share everything with your significant other. Do not lie about your whereabouts, but give yourself permission to maintain a bit of distance and mystique. Love should be an ongoing process of discovery, and this is impossible if your partner expects a rundown of who, what, and where, when you are apart.
5. Fall in love with discretion.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” —Oprah Winfrey
When things are going well, life is smooth, everyone is happy, and it is easy to miss signs of trouble. Pay attention to your partner’s actions more than their words. A person’s behavior will tell you everything you need to know about them, especially when the going gets rough.
6. Listen, listen, and listen.
“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.” —Henry David Thoreau
Listening is an art. Often our heads are so full of questions, ideas, and comebacks that we’re not taking in what the other person is trying to say. Instead, seek to understand, learn something, or get clarification. Reflection is a therapeutic technique which works wonders. For example, try this dialogue exercise: “So if I’m hearing you correctly, you would like me to ask first before inviting friends over to our home, is that right?”
7. Keep your relationship off Facebook.
“Facebook: Ruining relationships since 2004.” —Unknown
Sharing relationship woes on social media guarantees sympathy and well-meaning words of wisdom and encouragement. Confiding to a real-life friend in a cafe is vastly different—and preferable. A true friend respects boundaries and keeps others out of the dramatic fray.
8. Breathe.
“I often wondered why it is that when I get hooked, when I’m resentful for example, and I breathe with it instead of acting out, it feels like I’m sitting in the middle of the fire. I asked Kongtrul Rinpoche about this. He said, ‘Because by not doing the habitual thing, you’re burning up the seeds of aggression.’” —Pema Chödrön
A simple deep breath is a powerful salve for calming the nervous system, and avoiding the trap of overreacting in the heat of the moment. Try taking deep breaths to get yourself back on track.
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Copyright 2015 by Linda Esposito, LCSW
