How to Support a Loved One Who Is in an Abusive Relationship

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Your loved one regularly calls you in crisis, upset about their abusive relationship. They tell you all the horrible things that their partner has said or done but continues to stay in the relationship despite the many incidences of abuse and the concerns expressed by you and others.

Your loved one who is in a relationship with a controlling partner has become noticeably less available. Their partner is possessive and doesn’t like them to do things outside of the relationship. You hear from them less and less. When you do speak to them they seem very unhappy and not like themselves.

You’ve spent time around your loved one and their partner and have observed many concerning behaviors. You’ve tried to point out some of these things you have observed to your loved one but it doesn’t seem to make a difference or have an impact.

It’s a tough reality to face

Witnessing a loved one in an abusive relationship is difficult. It’s upsetting to see someone you love and care about in a dynamic that is so harmful to them. Oftentimes, when you do express your concern, it is met with resistance or this person make excuses for their abusive partner’s behavior. You know that this person is hurting and that they deserve better and it can leave you feeling powerless, scared, sad, confused, and, even frustrated.

Understanding the abusive dynamic is crucial

Abusive relationships can be difficult to wrap your head around (especially if you have never been in an abusive dynamic yourself). You might be asking yourself, “how are they staying in a relationship with such an awful person?” or “why don’t they just leave?” And while leaving an abusive dynamic might feel like the most obvious solution, it isn’t quite that simple.

In most abusive relationships, the abusive partner uses coercion and other manipulative tactics to assert power and control over the other person. This often includes the use of guilt, shame and threats. It’s systematic and erodes the victim’s identity, sense of self-worth, and confidence—which ultimately make’s it difficult for the victim to trust their judgment and ability to make decisions for themselves.

Think of an abusive relationship as a two-person cult. When one has been immersed in an abusive dynamic, it can be difficult to know up from down. Victims of abusive relationships often have a hard time seeing the abuse for what it is—and are even likely to blame themselves or feel responsible for the abuse or state of the relationship. Therefore, it’s important to recognize the nuance and complexity of these relationships.

Five things not to do when trying to support your loved one

1. Do not expect your loved one to leave the relationship on your timeline. Your loved one is going to have to do this on their own time.

2. Do not shame your loved one or communicate any feelings of judgment you might have about their decision making. Your loved one is already suffering and experiencing feelings of shame—and shame will not motivate them to leave.

3. Do not try to involve yourself in the relationship dynamic or communicate with the abuser. In most cases this will only exacerbate the abuse and/or result in the abuser further isolating your loved one from you and other support persons in their life.

4. Do not overly empathize with the abuser. Even if you are simply trying to align with your loved one, conveying empathy for the abusive partner can unintentionally validate the abuse.

5. Do not make it about you. Do not make it about how you are feeling or compare their relationship to your own experience.

Four things to do when trying to support your loved one

1. Do listen to your loved one and maintain an open line of communication. The more isolated the person being abused is, the more difficult it is to leave. It’s important that your loved one knows that you are and will be there for them—even if you do not approve of the relationship.
2. Do express your concerns to your loved one about the relationship. When expressing your concerns use “I” statements such as “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been yourself” or “I am concerned that you aren’t being treated well.” Try to be gentle and loving. If you are aggressive, your loved one is likely to shut down, retreat, or stop sharing with you completely *However, if you are worried about your loved one’s physical safety, be direct and express this concern. You can also offer to help connect them to appropriate resources (i.e. domestic violence resources, emergency shelter, mental health services).
3. Do focus on the specific, unhealthy or abusive behaviors. Try not to bash your loved one’s partner and focus only on the problematic behaviors you are observing. For example, you might say “I don’t like how your partner criticizes you so often” or “It’s not okay for your partner to control who you spend time with."
4. Do reiterate to them that the abuse is not their fault and that they deserve a healthy and loving relationship. Plant seeds, continue to remind them of their worth.
5. Do offer to help—especially when your loved one is ready to leave. Whether it’s offering your couch or spare room, helping them to move out of the home they share with their partner, or offering childcare so that they can attend a therapy session—anything that is supportive is valuable.

Reminders

• Abuse is complex and abusive relationships are difficult to leave.
• You are not responsible for your loved one and the outcome of the relationship.
• Try to withhold judgment and have compassion for your loved one.
• All you can do is be a safe and supportive person--and that is more than enough.