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I'm goin' to a pity party and I'm gonna bring...
A - A box of wine
B - Bon Bons
C - Chocolate cake
D - Dum Dums
E - Excedrin
Ever since we were young, we both loved to throw parties There's just something about getting our favorite people together in one place that make us giddy with excitement (though that could certainly be from the beer and wine that often accompanies us).
Even our introverted father recognizes our love of parties. "Oh trust me, I know my daughters love to party; Patty majored in them in college."
While we certainly love to celebrate life's milestones with big parties, we've also been known to have smaller parties to deal with life's setbacks. You might know these types of parties as "pity parties, "sobfests," or even "complaint cotillions." Whatever you call them, many of us parents of special needs children use them as a way to deal with the feelings of anger, sadness, or fear we experience when our lives or the lives of our special children aren't working out the way we planned.
Pity parties don't really require much planning. A simple thing like a bad news call from the school, a rude comment about your child's quirky behavior, or an encounter with a bragging parent in the carpool line, can put the wheels of a pity party in motion.
Despite the popularity of pity parties, there are some folks who want no part of them. It's not uncommon for these "pity party poopers" to make comments about the way we deal with things.
"Quit your complaining!"
"Suck it up!"
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself!"
"There are plenty of people who have it worse than you."
Sometimes, they'll even point out how harmful our pity partying is to our children.
"You're not helping your child by feeling sorry for yourself."
Comments like those just add propane to the pity fire. "Now, I'm a horrible mother, too! Why me!"
What's surprising is that it's not just parents of special needs children who say things like that. Recently, for example, a mother we are fond of with two special needs children, wrote to us to tell us how she could no longer read the posts of "whiny parents who complain about their children and their lives" on our Facebook community page. In her opinion, these parents were "crybabies" who should be "grateful" for their special children.
Sadly, this mother had lost one of her older children to an accident. Having experienced this devastating loss, she dedicated herself completely to the two younger special needs children she adopted. She would proudly tell everyone on the page how "amazing her boys where."
She didn't, however, accept that others didn't always feel the same way. Whenever other parents expressed frustration or complaints about their lives or their children's disabilities, she would post a comment that admonished them for their "negativity."
The other parents on the page were offended at this perceived attack at them for being "honest." They had come to know our Facebook page as a non-judgemental place where they could not only celebrate the joys and accomplishments of their children, but also, share their fears, worries, frustrations, anger, and sadness. As they wrote, "the world of a special needs parent is not always 'rainbows and butterflies. To suggest otherwise is not being truthful."
Eventually, the woman left the page, upset that she was unable to make other parents see the world from the "always positive side."
While we would love for all members of our online Facebook community to be united, we were relieved that this woman left the page. The truth is, there are days when the struggles of raising special children can seem unbearable. Days when we are not sure we have the strength to keep fighting to have our children accepted by others or their school systems. Days when some of our children are hard to love. Days when we simply mourn the loss of the lives we had planned for our kids and ourselves. As one Facebook mother so clearly put it, "It's hard to not feel sorry for yourself when your daughter is dressed in a hospital gown while her peers are dressed in their prom gowns."
We firmly belive that it's times like these when it's OK to send out your "pity party" invitation by sharing your feelings and frustrations with others who simply "get it." Doing so allows you to be in touch with and validate your feelings, to find help when you thought none was available, and to ultimately, be a stronger, healthier parent for your special child. And hopefully and most importantly, to offer hope and support to others who may face similar challenges.
One of the most eye-opening emails we received was from a Facebook page member who told us that the comfort, understanding, and support she received from other parents on our page had stopped her from ending her life. She thought she was alone in her sadness and frustration, and the helpful support she received from others brought her into the light.
Now, that right there is a reason to party. Then again, we don't really need a reason.
"I'm goin' to a pity party and I'm gonna bring F - Funions."
Do you sometimes feel self-pity about a setback in your life or your child's life? How do you deal with it?
