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Parents and educators well-know the odds are that, at some point, their child(ren) will experience cyberbullying, They also know the challenges of addressing it. These challenges are usually characterized in terms of force and resistance: the power and reach of social media and the irresistible appeal of anonymity (unchecked, extensive power), and the struggle against it, which is amounts to damage control. (It is more productive to contain the spiraling emotional suffering that results to the targets of such behavior than to attempt to contain the behavior itself.)
While this is not untrue, defining cyberbullying in terms of a singular, one-direction power-potential limits victim response to passive acquiescence. Caught up in a social dynamic that has, in many ways, been privatized, targets are positioned within a zero-sum-gain dynamic.
Once we are locked into this view, we are unable to identify and foster valuable ripostes, bystander interventions, and/or proactive inhibitions that may begin to rebalance the scales.
The first of these involves 'time.' Our dualistic characterization of cyberbullying ruthlessly plays out 'in real time,' leading us to overlook the fact that, like any other emotional wound, cyber-pain can arise in an instant, yet take much longer—even years—to process.
This realization gives us breathing room. It lends the dynamic space, and the potential to more clearly see incremental ways we can either begin to lessen the need for (and/or facilitate) the healing process. This insight leads the list of ways to begin thinking about cyberbullying--now, or after the pandemic has been contained.
- Acknowledge that all other instances of emotional damage take significant time to process. This lays the groundwork for movement.
Tip: Give yourself permission to look beyond the discouraging realization that there is no ‘fighting fire with fire’ in cyber-abuse—just as there is no fighting the pain of any personal loss with a force able to vanquish bereavement. Healing is a process that takes time.
It is important to be able to model this for your child(ren). Processing takes account of painful feelings. It weaves them into the larger fabric of life, creating balance between warp and weft, dark and light, movement and inertia.
- Be clear that your child may not confide in you about being cyber-bullied.
Even if you think you have created a “safe space” and honest relationship with your kids, cyberbullying may be something they hide.Tip: Think twice before rushing to confiscate a computer, iPad, phone, etc. More than a loss of face to their parents, children are afraid of a loss of technology. This is not only a loss of connection to the social world, it is a loss of face to peers. If our children feel that connection must be maintained (even if the cost is bullying), then a more productive first step is to explore healthy responses with them (and more fully understand the root of the choices they would rather make).
- Listen seriously to their concerns about a backlash and further exclusion/rejection. Do not rush to do something!
Tip: Promise to consult and partner with your children on the next actions to be taken. How would you feel if someone else handled—and rushed to report—bullying you experienced at work?
- Realize that your child(ren) will likely blame you for all their painful feelings if you trample over their needs/input. Alerting school authorities must be done judiciously, so that emotional pain, and its processing, are not misplaced. (Innocent claims of "finding it" on your child’s computer add another layer of betrayal to be negotiated.)
Tip: Know what plan your child’s school currently has in place for cyberbullying in advance of any issue that might arise involving your child, as well as their proactive strategies for preventing it. Rather than blaming when there is a problem, ally before there is an issue.
- Understand that (already problematic) boredom, coupled with the need to move almost all competition to the social arena, exponentially increases the challenge of “booooorrring.” If the thrill of winning now lies in scoring social takedowns, spearhead options.
Tip: Partner with your child’s school in creating more extensive online activities. And expect that doing so will be met with eyerolls and sniggers, so create welcoming gated spaces for gathering. If your child(ren)’s peers can mock and cow you into inactivity what effect must they have on your student? Challenge students to keep limber with virtual cheerleading, create a space for the posting of the latest skateboard feats, foster a creative, relevant school band or choral group, virtual chess club, or even a formal gaming club. Ask your school to liaise with an elder care facility and foster virtual visits. (Making someone else feel good is a way to boost healthy self-esteem). Other parents are resources in this programming. (You might even ask your school to monitor and accept these in lieu of gym or civic engagement.)
- Partner with your child’s teacher to incorporate both cyberbullying and related choices into the curriculum. (Yet recognize that teachers are overwhelmed with new teaching protocols, so do this gingerly, in the spirit of "we are all in this together.")
Tip: Ask your child’s teacher to partner with you in repeatedly raising awareness around cyber-choices. There is the possibility for bystander action online. Students have the choice to “like” a post, to share a picture, to disengage, or to offer a micro-acknowledgement. Raise awareness of cyber-choosing through repetition.
- Be aware of ways you might be implicitly fostering bullying. (Prior to COVID, schools found that parent’s gossiping on the phone with their friends modeled gossiping, and normalized it). This past year, many Asian students have been bullied by referrals to “The Chinese Virus” (as have students who contracted COVID and were required to quarantine). Unguarded comments born of adult frustration can legitimate bullying.
Tip: Acknowledge your frustration with the situation. Repeat often, and in different contexts, that frustration does not belong at the doorstep of any member of the peer group. (Hearing something once or twice will not transform it into a norm.)
- Recommend keeping a cyber-log to your child(ren). Girls keep diaries that are private, and a cyber-log can be cloaked in the same privacy norms—until such a time as they may be needed. Anti-bullying programming repeatedly advises students to keep a log of incidents.
Tip: Suggest your child keep a cyber-log. Our children all know how to take screenshots. Encourage them to do so, and simply file away dated incidents. They will likely feel they are taking back some power by being able to actively do something in face of torment, even if it is never used.
- Increase the emotion words you use at home. Give your child a larger vocabulary for interpreting the emotions of others. Emojis have atrophied an already minimal emotion vocabulary. A larger vocabulary can translate into nuanced understandings of others' responses, even if they are wearing a mask.
Tip: Begin with an orientation toward emotion-learning by adding the words micro-aggression and micro-affirmation to your/their vocabulary, and practice using them. As you learn to listen and watch faces more closely, you will not only note nuances, but spark empathy in bystanders.
- We are all in this together. We are all overwhelmed together, all struggling together, all seeking resources together.
Tip: Offer creative programming and/or classroom suggestions to your child’s school/teacher. Partnership is a two-way street. Offer, even as you ask. If you do not have time to do a bit of research, check out a few ideas below.
Ideas for Incorporating Cyber-Bullying Into Curriculums
1. Petition for “Digital Citizenship Skills" to be added to your child(ren)’s curriculum.
2. Petition for Distance and Digital Social Emotional Learning (SEL) programming. Emotional Intelligence and SEL are already a mainstay of educators, but in the absence of face-to-face interactions, they run the risk of being lost in the shuffle. However SEL is more important than ever, so encourage your school to explore digital SEL programming.
3. Suggest an assignment. Try a two-page paper: one page illustrating cyberbullying specifics students find online, and a second page detailing how they might concretely address their findings if the “information” was about them or their best friend.
4. Explore organizational programming and options—for example, L1GHT.
Image credit: r. nial bradshaw, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons
