How to Deal with Sexual Regret

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Sexual consent violations are problematic on many levels and often have significant negative impacts on the people whose consent has been violated.

Sometimes, however, people end up feeling uncomfortable during and/or after a sexual encounter even when there was no consent violation. This may happen because the sex was bad, they had sex with someone they wished that they had not, or because they did things that seemed like a good idea in the moment but felt cringe-worthy later on.

Such discomfort arises not because people are always out to make each other uncomfortable with sex intentionally, but rather because folks can make mistakes and accidentally cross boundaries if those limits are not clear or explicit. Even people who wish each other well and intend to share sexual pleasure can end up feeling dismayed about what happened during their sexual encounter.

Managing the feelings about regretful sexual experiences can be challenging—and, at times, may come to feel more uncomfortable than the experience itself. What can a sex-positive person do when they regret a sexual experience?

Acknowledge Discomfort

Dealing with the feelings from the experience may or may not involve talking to the other person(s) involved. Reflecting on the incident to clarify what happened and why you are feeling uncomfortable before reaching out can set you up for a successful and compassionate conversation.

If you want to have an ongoing relationship with that person yet feel that they overstepped a boundary or made a mistake, then it might well be worth it to bring up the experience and your feelings; doing so can help you face any lingering relationship issues and plan together for a better outcome next time. If you never want to see or speak to the other person(s) again, that is valid too.

What if you are the one who accidentally overstepped? If you think you might have caused some weirdness, then reaching out to check in with the other person/people can be a good idea.

Be prepared to kindly leave them alone if they don’t respond, or graciously take no for an answer if they let you know that they don’t want to talk about it. But if they are open to it, consider asking a gentle question, like “How are you feeling about our hookup? How are things going for you now?” (If you want further support, I have found the DanceSafe guidelines, designed to help people respond to a wide range of situations in music and nightlife communities, to be useful for folks who made mistakes and want some guidance on managing that difficult situation with sensitivity.)

Reflect on What May Have Led to the Experience

What happened before the sex got uncomfortable? Were there any contributing factors that influenced the way things went down? What about the experience felt uncomfortable?

Contemplating what happened and coming to understand how it went wrong can help you avoid making the same mistakes in the future. If you think you might be engaging in sexual interactions with someone, consider what might contribute to a positive experience before getting started.

One of the most common pairings that can set the stage for trouble is the combination of intoxication with impulsivity. After an intoxicated night, the hangover the next day can be infinitely worse when it comes with a side regret—whether that's about sleeping with someone who was truly a bad choice or having something happen during sex that was less than ideal. Consuming alcohol and other intoxicants is associated with lower inhibitions and higher adventurousness, so use discretion when altering your mood to the point that it could impact your decision-making.

Another common source of sexual weirdness is an emotional or expectation mismatch, where one person feels more of a connection than the other person or holds differing expectations from the interaction. Emotions are unpredictable and difficult to control; even if people think they are on the same page at the beginning of the interaction, they may realize later that they have differing expectations.

Sometimes, even though it was “just” a hook-up, someone’s feelings might be bruised. In those cases, the more invested person might regret having the kind of sex that stirred up those feelings of connection, while the less invested person might regret potentially leading the other person on.

Acknowledging the mismatch in what you want to get from the interaction, giving yourself permission to feel upset, and then moving forward is one way to manage this challenge. Consider what went wrong and make a plan for next time so it doesn't happen again.

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Plan for Future Experiences

For some people, sexual regret can be so intense that they are reluctant to have sex again for a while. Others have less excruciating experiences and might want to have sex again fairly quickly after an awkward event.

Either way, considering a new plan for future sexual interactions can be a good way to keep the same thing from happening again. That doesn’t mean new awkward things won’t happen, but at least avoiding the exact same mistakes might be possible.

Dr. Sloane Ferenchak, Psy.D., MEd, is a therapist, sexuality educator, and the program coordinator of DanceSafe's WeLoveConsent program. I reached out to Ferenchak, who offered this advice for how people can deal with feelings of uncertainty and discomfort around sexual interactions:

"It is important to spend some time reflecting on what went wrong in a previous encounter and what future boundaries you may need to express based on what you’ve learned from the experience. Are there things that you are concerned about that the other person can clear up for you? Is there anything you can make more certain for yourself through self-advocacy?"

Give Everyone a Break

Finally, try to view yourself and the other person with compassion. People who make a mistake or do something awkward are usually not intending to create an uncomfortable sexual situation. Hopefully, everyone has each other’s best interests at heart, and acting with positive intent can go a long way towards making a sex mistake something folks can laugh about later—instead of a painful experience they deeply regret.

Crucially, this goodwill comes with evidence of trustworthiness, which may include learning about and respecting boundaries to avoid making the same mistake again. Predatory sexual behavior, coercion, and intentional mistreatment are always inexcusable, and many sex-positive communities have joined forces to clarify and enforce sexual safety. Mistakes, gaffes, and sloppy fumbles, however, are understandable and forgivable.

So if you had a weird sexual experience, give yourself a break. Reflection and conversations can help to ease discomfort from what happened and help to keep future mistakes from happening again.