Do "Nice Men" Finish Last in Bed?

Co-written with psychologist Darien Thira, Ph.D.

*The term "nice man'"emerges from gender-based research on the masculinity script. Please consider if and how this applies to your identity.

Do you have to choose between being a "nice guy" and being a "sex god?"

"I want to please her sexually. Actually, I want to blow her away! But, being an alpha male in bed seems to contradict my caring, nice-man values."

"Nice men" can be great partners and caring people, and yet they often feel left out when it comes to hot sex. Many self-identified nice men worry that they might be sexually rejected in favor of dominant bad boys. As a Reddit post shared, “...most women today are chasing around the 'bad boys' or the 'toxic guys' because these men are exciting.”

Dan agreed with this idea. He is in a long-term relationship with Kara, who doesn't seem to be interested in sex. She is always kind about it, saying, “Even though I love you, I really do, there’s just too much going on to feel sexy.” Dan doesn’t want to pressure her and tries to do more around the house to make things easier. “I don't want to be one of those assholes who expect a woman to do everything.” But he reports feeling rejected, especially when he sees Kara’s reaction to other “more dominant” men. Even though he knows she will never leave him, Dan has the feeling that she is sexually attracted to this type of man. He wonders if he has to be a bad boy to get more sex.

While many nice men may believe that bad boys get more sex, the research says quite the opposite.

Nice Men are more attractive for relationships.

Most nice men want to distance themselves from bad-boy, dominant men who they see as “inconsiderate assholes.” Assholes do not care about anyone else’s feelings or preferences and may lie or bully to get their way. It turns out that these actions are not attractive traits for anyone. Hands down, studies find that nice men finish first in relationships. Nice men were more likely to be chosen by women, and they were found to be even sexier than bad boys because the selfless or caring act was seen as sexy.¹ Real-life women report being turned off by bad boy qualities, no matter what the movies say.

So why does it seem that Bad Boys finish first in sex?

At first glance, there appeared to be a grain of truth to nice men finishing behind the bad boys when it comes to women's attraction. Research initially found that while women were still drawn to “niceness” when choosing to take a casual lover, they were even more interested in physical attractiveness and dominance.^2,3 So, let’s look more closely at these two factors.

First, it is not surprising that physical attractiveness tends to be a strong motivator when either men or women are deciding to have a short-term sexual relationship. After all, when you don’t know someone well, there is little on which to judge them but their physical appearance.

But the second quality, dominance, is more complex. One study found the quality of “dominance” to be preferred by women for casual sexual relationships. But what does dominance really mean? Dominance can be mistaken for bad-boy traits, which might be causing some of the confusion. In this research, dominance was defined by body posture. The female participants watched one of three videos that showed the same scene of a man, but in each video, they changed his body posture—from a closed body posture to a more open one with bigger gesticulations. The women then rated the men (body posture) on sexual attractiveness. The women chose the most open body postures and bigger gesticulations to be most sexually attractive. Based on the results, the researchers concluded that women find dominance attractive.³

But, does this mean that nice men need to become dominant bad boys to get more sex?

Confidence is the sex factor.

It may come as a surprise to many nice men, but the answer is no. It turns out that what the researchers were calling "dominance"—the open body postures and gesticulations—are also signs of confidence or being sociable. And these two qualities are highly attractive to both men and women...no assholery required. Even more important to nice men, these qualities are not incompatible with niceness. So, it turns out that niceness is not a turn-off. The turn-off may actually be “dullness,” or a lack of confidence that kills her desire. Studies back this up, finding women are attracted to men who are socially confident.⁴ In fact, confidence is what has been found to be the sexiest quality,for everyone—women and men alike.

So, let's not mix up these attractive traits with bad boys. You can be a nice man and be confident and sociable at the same time.Confidence is not something you either have or don’t have at birth, it can be trained.⁴ Here are six suggestions for the bedroom.

How to be a sexy...Nice Man

1. Embrace confidence (not assholery). It is confidence, not dominance, that matters. (Although dominance can be fun in consensual sex.) You can role-play confidence if you have to–it’s called sex-play for a reason. So think of a time when you felt like a "sex god" in the past, or embody an admired character from fiction who was a sex god–think about what worked and act “as if” it is you now.

2. Do it together. Don’t leave her out of it! Talk to her about what a good lover looks like to her. Listen to what really turns her on. Every woman is different.

3. Keep going until you get it right. It doesn’t always work the first time, she has to get used to the new you. Don’t get stuck in your partner’s disappointment or frustration. They are asking you to be their "sex god." You may not master it right away so try, try again—it can be a fun thing to practice.

Sex Essential Reads

The Problem With Modern Day Sex and Love Trends

Is Sex Definitely (Not) Binary? It's Complicated

4. Read her cues. How do you know she’s into it? Bad boys can be good at reading people to get what they want. Use their superpower as a force for good–for your partner’s pleasure! Look for her engagement. Try things and watch her response. Watch her body arch or her face contort, notice when she moans or when her breathing catches, or she begins to pant. These may be a sign that whatever you are doing is working.

5. Listen to her. If she is telling you what is working or not working, listen to what she is saying. Too many women complain that their nice man does what they ask for a few minutes and then reverts to old patterns. Keep it up and remember for the next time. She knows what is best for her and if she is telling you, she is giving you a gift. Knowledge is power.

6. Don’t forget your needs and desires. Your partner will be turned on by seeing you turned on. Many women want their man to ask for, or take, what he wants during sex. That way, they don’t have to worry about reading your thoughts while they are enjoying themselves. Wanting something isn’t the problem; selfishness is. Taking what you want doesn’t make you an asshole as long as you also give your lover what they want. "Sex gods" get to enjoy themselves, too.