Why Self-Determination in Loving Relationships Is Important

There are a number of reasons why we may choose a particular romantic relationship. There are also various goals individuals may choose to pursue within a specific relationship too. In addition to those specific decisions, however, it is also important to consider whether the overall motivation to enter into and remain in a relationship is authentic and freely chosen, or feels more compelled by constraints and external pressures. In other words, it is essential to be mindful of the degree to which romantic relationship choices are self-determined or coerced (for both ourselves and our partners).

This idea leads to a series of questions. What exactly is a self-determined decision? What types of situations or factors lead to such self-determination in relationships? How does it impact romantic relationships specifically?

Fortunately, psychological research has answers for us.

Understanding Self-Determination

Self-determined motivations within social interactions have been explored throughout the years by the work of Richard Ryan and Edward Deci—under the title of Self-Determination Theory (SDT). The research surrounding SDT was summarized in a review article by Ryan and Deci in 2000, and more recently, in a 2018 book. According to this long history of research, whether a person is more or less self-determined within a given situation is the result of three main factors:

• Autonomy: The individual is free to make choices and behave according to their personal values in the situation.
• Competence: The individual is effective and successful within the situation.
• Relatedness: The individual feels a sense of intimacy and belonging with others in the situation.

Taken together, the level of self-determination within a specific situation can be understood as the degree to which an individual feels effective, connected, and able to freely choose their own behaviors (known as autonomous motivations)—versus being controlled or coerced by external factors or internalized expectations from others (known as controlled motivations).

Self-Determination in Relationships

Beyond the basics, the importance of such self-determination has been researched in romantic relationships, as well. Specifically, self-determination has been shown to relate to the following relationship dynamics.

Personal Attachment and Well-Being: Research by Leak and Cooney (2001) noted that individuals that were securely attached in their relationship also felt more self-determined and had higher well-being. In contrast, those who felt anxious or avoidant in their relationship felt less self-determined and had lower well-being. This connection was explored in the reverse direction by Gaine and La Guardia (2009), as well. These authors noted that the more autonomy provided to an individual within a relationship, the less they avoided their partner. Also, the less an individual felt controlled by their partner, the less anxious and more secure they were in the relationship, too. Thus, even when individuals have pre-existing attachment issues, creating a relationship that promotes their self-determination may help them to feel more secure and increase their well-being.

Relationship Behaviors and Well-Being: Additional explorations by Gaine and La Guardia (2009) evaluated how self-determination related to specific behaviors within a relationship, as well as the overall relationship connection. The authors noted that higher self-determination within a romantic relationship correlated with greater relationship well-being overall. Beyond that, feeling specific types of behaviors within a relationship were freely-chosen significantly predicted relationship well-being as well. Particularly, self-determined behaviors within the domains of intimacy (sexual and physical), disclosure (of thoughts and feelings), social support, instrumental support (for problems and stresses), and general niceties were predictive of overall relationship well-being. In short, when individuals feel that they are free to choose how to behave in a relationship—according to their personal motivations and authentic value—the relationship tends to go more smoothly overall.

Commitment: Self-determination within a relationship has also been shown to predict greater commitment and satisfaction, by Hadden, Knee, DiBello, and Rodriguez (2015). The authors found when participants felt more coerced in their respective relationships, they were also more sensitive to how much they were investing in that relationship and the quality of their alternatives (i.e. the attractiveness of other potential partners). In contrast, when participants felt more self-determined and believed their individual relationship to be freely-chosen, their level of commitment was relatively unaffected by how much they had to invest—and they were less tempted by other alternatives. Therefore, it appears increasing self-determination within a relationship can improve relationship commitment, too.

Improving Self-Determination in Your Relationship

Given the above research, the level of self-determination looks to have important implications for intimate relationships. Specifically, a relationship that fosters self-determination for both partners often results in those partners feeling more attached, more motivated to perform intimate and caring behaviors, and more committed. How then can we help create a relationship to foster such self-determination? The following points can help.

1. Creating Connection and Trust: Self-determination is created when partners are helped to feel autonomous, related to one another, and competent about themselves. These factors are best fostered by building a strong connection and rapport—especially a connection built on genuineness, empathy, and warmth. To do so, try to communicate in ways that share something meaningful, show enthusiasm, and demonstrate appreciation for each other. Such self-disclosure increases feelings of connection and liking too. This also helps to build trust and work on attachment issues, which can improve feelings of self-determination and autonomy within a relationship as well.

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2. Identifying Personal and Rewarding Motivations: Put simply, when trying to improve self-determination, using coercion and punishment is not beneficial in a romantic relationship. Instead, work to identify and share what you both find rewarding. Particularly, try to discuss and focus on personal motivations for performing positive relationship behaviors. Working toward seeing the overall relationship as sacred and special can help here as well. These efforts help to create an ongoing situation where both partners will be more motivated to freely choose to behave in ways that support and enhance the relationship, rather than feeling coerced or obligated to begrudgingly do so.

3. Focusing on Freely-Chosen Commitments: Beyond those day-to-day behaviors, to best support relationship satisfaction and well-being, it is helpful to make sure bigger commitments are self-determined. For example, it is important to ensure that initial sexual choices are freely-chosen for autonomous reasons in order to help support the well-being of both partners and positive feelings about the subsequent intimate relationship. Similarly, a monogamous or marriage commitment tends to work out much better when both individuals are personally ready for it, rather than being pressured into committing. Overall, allowing for such free choice and self-determination increases overall relationship commitment, particularly on these big issues, and avoids the commitment problems found in many modern relationships.

© 2019 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.