When Social Support Can Do Harm

Social support takes many forms and is mostly a positive force in our lives. It can involve listening to a friend's problems, offering advice, picking up shopping, mowing the lawn, or being there 'just in case'. And research consistently shows that positive social support is linked to better mood, longer life expectancy, greater wellbeing, and quicker recovery from a range of illnesses.

But not all social support is helpful and sometimes it can do harm to the person being supported. Recently we have explored negative social support in the form of collusion and sabotage, and enablement.

Collusion

If I was trying to lose weight but decided not to go to the gym and my 'kind' partner said, 'Oh yes, stay at home we can watch a film', that can be considered collusion. If I told my mum I didn’t like taking my medication and she said ‘I don’t like taking mine either’ that is collusion. And if I was trying to meet a stressful deadline and my ‘good friend’ agreed to go shopping with me, that is collusion too.

Acts of collusion can make us feel loved, listened to, and that our support networks are on our side. It is an unconscious and benign form of ‘killing with kindness’ that is a key to friendships, marriages, and families; it also just keeps conversations flowing. If I say ‘My husband is really annoying’ a good friend says ‘Yes he is’; they do not reply, ‘but you can be annoying as well’!

We have been studying collusion in the context of weight management in which friendly collusion can actually undermine a person’s attempts to live a healthier life. But it is also a key to end-of-life care, couple counselling, and any health condition that requires a person to change.

Sabotage

Whilst sabotage may sometimes come from a good place, many acts of sabotage are much less benign attempts to undermine. If I am trying to drink less and my friend buys me a bottle of cava for my birthday, that is sabotage. If I have taken up yoga to manage my stressful job and my boyfriend plays his music loudly while I'm doing poses, that is sabotage. And all the cakes/chocolates/takeaways/biscuits and crisps bought for anyone trying to lose weight are a form of sabotage that we call ‘being a feeder’.

Our work on weight management highlights that many people face acts of sabotage from the people supposedly supporting them to eat less and be more active. Change may be for the greater good but within a relationship it can be a threat and sabotage is one mechanism to remove this threat and re-establish the status quo. Someone may think, ‘If my friend stops drinking then we will have less fun. I’ll buy her a bottle then things will be back to normal’. Or, ‘If my wife loses weight she might leave me’. Normality is what we know and want and sabotage helps maintain the equilibrium of a relationship.

Sabotage is therefore a more malign form of negative social support that aims to undermine goals, limit change and keep things as they are.

Enablement

Both collusion and sabotage are forms of negative social support that can harm the person they target. But can negative social support also harm others? The news is full of stories of workplace bullying, harassment, and abuse. Yet buried amongst those very upsetting stories — and the public shaming of the bullies, harassers, and abusers — are the more hidden stories of all of those who enabled this to happen.

If I help a bully to bully those around them, that is enablement. If I allow a harasser feel that it is safe, acceptable, or even desirable to harass, that is enablement. And if I just stay silent to allow the abuser to abuse, that is enablement. Enablers may take the form of colleagues, managers, friends, or family but whilst their social support might benefit those in power, their active enabling or passive inaction can have a devastating impact on all others involved.

Social support is therefore not always a good thing. Collusion and sabotage are attempts to maintain the status quo, and whilst they may sometimes come from a good place can ultimately harm the person they are aimed at. Enablement is something else; it is like a dual-action form of social support that, whilst benefitting some, harms others. I feel a new research project coming on.