Breaking the Negativity Chain

Changing your lens helps you see more.

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Humans are often more sensitive to negative experiences and emotions than to positive ones, a phenomenon known as negativity bias. This bias is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history. Early humans needed to be highly attuned to threats in their environment to survive. A single mistake, such as misjudging the danger posed by a predator, could be fatal.

Consequently, our brains evolved to prioritize negative information, enhancing our ability to detect and respond to potential threats. While this feature of our mind has obvious survival benefits, what are the unexpected consequences of the high priority we give to negative events, information, and feelings? It can seriously hurt our intimate relationships. Let me explain how.

Negativity Bias and Intimate Relationships

As we journey through life with our partners, negative events are bound to happen. And when I say event, don’t think of something big; I’m talking about the small, daily stuff that adds up over time, such as leaving the toilet seat up, forgetting to pay a bill, or canceling date nights for work projects.

When these events occur, do you hyper-focus on them, become filled with anger, hurt, and frustration, and spew those feelings on your partner? Does the negative event push any positive, affectionate thoughts and feelings toward your partner out of your mind? If so, be careful because that tendency can become a habit and turn into a negative feedback loop.

Your expression of negativity will provoke a negative response in your partner. They will start hyper-focusing on the negative. And then you will begin looking for emotional ammo; you’ll start looking for the negative, so you attack your partner with it. Yikes!

Constantly focusing on the negative aspects of life can contribute to anxiety and depression. In your intimate relationships, the negative feedback loop will force you to notice and remember negative interactions more vividly than positive ones. There are two concepts that are important to mention, both from the research of psychologist John Gottman: the 5:1 ratio, and the negative sentiment override.

In short, the 5:1 ratio has to do with a balance of positive interactions to negative interactions. The masters of marriage, as Gottman calls them, typically have five positive interactions for every negative interaction. So, think about how the negativity bias and negative feedback loop affect this ratio. Those two factors probably predispose someone to have increased negative interactions with their partner and will likely push them into Gottman’s other category: the disasters of marriage.

The second relevant Gottman concept is the negative sentiment override, which occurs when so much negativity has built up that the stress of it is stored in your body; it becomes the predominant lens through which you see your relationship, and you are always primed to assume the worst of your partner and are to defend or attack at any moment.

Here’s my little model for making sense of the relationship between all three of the factors and the linear causal relationships between them that I see occurring in intimate relationships.

Negativity Bias ==> Negative Feedback Loop ==> Negative Sentiment Override

The question is, how do I break this chain? And that is a good question, but it’s incomplete. You can’t just stop a negative; you have to replace a negative with a positive. The way I see that happening is to replace each link in the causal chain of negativity, starting with the negativity bias.

Breaking the Cycle: From Negativity to Positivity

In contrast to the negativity bias is the positivity bias, which involves focusing on positive aspects and experiences in your relationship. While not as strong as the negativity bias, the positivity bias can lead to positive feedback loops, where positive emotions and experiences reinforce each other. In relationships, this can foster positive sentiment override, where partners view each other and their relationship in a more positive light, even during challenging times.

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Below is my countermodel for how the positive cycle plays out in relationships:

Positivity Bias ==> Positive Feedback Loop ==> Positive Sentiment Override

But that is easier said than done. It actually takes much more effort and work to develop the positive bias, which can (hopefully) lead to a positive feedback loop, where you feel good about your partner, which they like, and in return, they feel good about you, which makes you like them even more, and so on. Ultimately, this leads to a positive sentiment override, where you are primed to see the positive, at the ready to help and support your partner, and expectantly waiting to positively connect with them.

So, below are some tangible action steps you can take to foster the positivity cycle in your perspective (because, yes, it starts with you) and in your relationship.

Strategies for Shifting the Balance

1. Mindfulness and Awareness: Being aware of one’s tendency towards negativity bias can be the first step in countering it. Mindfulness practices can help individuals observe their thoughts and feelings without judgment, making it easier to recognize and shift negative patterns.
2. Gratitude Practice: Regularly expressing gratitude can help cultivate positivity. Focusing on positive experiences and what we are thankful for can shift our mental focus from what’s wrong to what’s right.
3. Positive Communication: In relationships, consciously focusing on and expressing positive attributes and experiences can counteract negative sentiment override. This includes acknowledging and celebrating small victories and expressing appreciation for one’s partner.
4. Cognitive Restructuring: This involves identifying and challenging negative thought patterns and replacing them with more balanced or positive thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques can be particularly helpful in this regard.

Conclusion: Balancing Negativity and Positivity

While it’s sometimes necessary to focus on negative experiences, the natural tendency doesn’t work for relationship, and more importantly, it doesn’t have to be our destiny. We can take control and direct our conscious thoughts to acknowledge and amplify the positive aspects of our relationship. By understanding and addressing negativity bias and, most importantly, replacing it with the positivity cycle, we can break negative feedback loops, improve our mental health, and enhance our relationships.