Attraction Is the First Step to a Meaningful Relationship

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Psychologists, sociologists, and anthropologists have long sought to determine what factors cause one person to become attracted to another person. Humans are social beings. People form groups for communal interaction, and lovers pair off for romantic relationships and procreation.

In the past, people congregated in groups to live and hunt, activities that ensured the species' survival in the short term. People procreate to ensure the survival of the species in the long term.

Evolutionary psychology theorizes that the primary male attributes were strength and hunting prowess. Women instinctively selected mates who demonstrated these traits to ensure their survival as well as the survival of their offspring. The female's capacity for procreation is limited by age and the long gestation period for humans. Conversely, the male's capacity to procreate is limited to the number of women who will allow him to copulate.

Because of these evolutionary limitations, women are typically attracted to males who display strength and prowess, traits that signal security. In contrast, males are attracted to physical beauty, a sign of reproductive health. Physical security today is not measured by a man's ability to be a successful hunter but rather by a man's social status and ability to make money and provide a secure environment for a woman and her children.

The following selected principles are reliable predictors of attraction. Of course, as with all predictors of human behavior, there are exceptions to the rule.

Personality and Attraction

Extroverts, as compared to introverts, tend to appear more attractive because they are seen as gregarious and self-confident. Before entering into any type of relationship, knowing whether the person you want to meet tends toward extroversion or introversion can provide valuable insights.

If you are an extrovert and the person you want to meet is an introvert, expect to see some inherent differences in how you perceive the world. Extroverts get energy from being with other people and seek stimulation from their environments. Extroverts often speak spontaneously, without thinking, and confidently use the trial-and-error method. Conversely, introverts expend energy when they engage socially and seek alone time to recharge their batteries. Introverts seek stimulation from within and seldom speak without thinking. Introverts carefully weigh options before making decisions.

Extroverts maintain a wide variety of relationships; however, those relationships tend to be shallow. On the other hand, introverts have few relationships, but those relationships tend to have depth. Introverts who date extroverts seek closer relationships, to which extroverts may be less willing to commit. This inability to readily make a deeper commitment highlights dissimilarity, which reduces mutual attraction.

Rarely do people exhibit entirely extroverted or entirely introverted characteristics. Personality traits slide along a continuum. Many people exhibit both extroverted and introverted characteristics. Additionally, introverts who are comfortable with their surroundings often display behaviors associated with extroversion. Likewise, extroverts can display introverted characteristics.

Self-Esteem and Attraction

People like to associate with individuals who display high levels of self-confidence. People with high levels of self-confidence tend to be comfortable with being the center of attention. They may also be comfortable with self-disclosure, which is a building block to achieving close personal relationships.

Conversely, people with low self-esteem tend to be reluctant to disclose personal information. The inability to make self-discloses is a defense mechanism to guard against criticism and rejection. Self-disclosure is the path to closer personal relationships, a path people with low self-esteem are often unwilling to take. The fear of being treated badly, betrayed, and rejected prevents people with low self-esteem from achieving the thing they want most, a close personal relationship.

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Facebook Use and Attraction

Similarity plays a critical role in the development of relationships on Facebook. [1] Research finds that Facebook users gravitate to other Facebook users who share the same attitudes and beliefs. Facebook users are seen as increasingly more attractive as they approach 300 friends; however, when the number of friends exceeds 300, the effect on social attractiveness tends to diminish. [2]

People who spend excessive time on Facebook are often seen as more introverted and are perceived as having lower self-esteem. [3] Introverts disclose more information on social networks than they do in face-to-face encounters. The Facebook format allows introverts sufficient time to formulate meaningful responses. Without the pressure of a face-to-face encounter, introverts naturally disclose more information than they would during personal conversations.

Introverts may also experience difficulty initiating conversations, especially with strangers. Social networks eliminate this added social pressure. People with low self-esteem may also find Facebook a favorable environment because they want to be accepted and liked by others. Social networks allow them to express themselves without as much direct exposure to negative feedback.

Based on the limited research about relationship building on social networks, it appears that the same psychological principles of attraction that are effective in face-to-face relationships hold true in online relationships. In fact, social networks provide an effective alternative method of communication for people who are not comfortable with initiating face-to-face relationships.