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Key points
- If you are dating a lot but cannot find a suitable life partner, a more organized approach may help.
- If you want a life partner, only date people who are ready to make a long-term commitment.
- Don't waste your time by hanging onto anyone who is unlikely to be a good mate for you.
- Accept reality and do not expect anyone to change.
Many people yearn for a serious relationship and then waste years of precious time chasing and dating the wrong people. I started to think about this problem after several of my clients fell into this trap. These were attractive and competent people who could successfully navigate most areas of life. They could find a job, an apartment, and friends, but they could not find a mate. Often their inability to find an appropriate life partner was one of the reasons that they came for therapy.
Here is how one of my female clients described her situation:
"I date a lot, but nothing ever works out. If I like him, he doesn’t like me and vice versa. And there have been a lot of 'maybes' that eventually went nowhere. I am getting depressed and emotionally burnt out. I want to get married, but I am not sure that I can keep this up. Can you help me? What am I doing wrong?"
After listening to many versions of this story, I started to look closely at how these clients approached finding a mate. When I did, I started to notice some common patterns that were associated with failure:
- Dating apps lead to mismatches: Because of the proliferation of dating apps, many of my clients ended up on dates with people they never would have gone out with if they had first met them in person. There was no real chemistry, or they were badly mismatched in ways that did not show up in dating profiles.
- Too inclusive: Many of my clients were not being discerning enough about who they agreed to go out with and were casting their net too widely because they felt desperate.
- Staying too long: They also tended to hang on to relationships that were going nowhere for fear that they would not find anyone better, or in the hope that things would somehow improve.
- Bad relationship advice: When they complained about their situation to friends or family, they received well-intended advice that erred on the side of romantic wishful thinking—"Don’t worry. Love will find you when you least expect it”—or blamed my clients—"You need to be less picky.”
None of this turned out to be helpful. What my clients really needed was a practical plan that would help them find the right mate and rule out the wrong ones.
So, I decided to think about the situation logically. What if there were a way to identify and eliminate bad matches earlier in the dating process? I came up with a simple approach to dating that greatly increased my clients’ chances of finding an appropriate mate. It is easy to understand and very efficient because it is based on facts and logic, not romantic ideas.
Fact 1: Attracted to You and Available
Unless you live in a very isolated area and do not socialize at all, at any point in time there will be a group of people that you have access to who are single and find you attractive.
Advice: Ignore anyone who is not single and who is not attracted to you. It does not matter what their reasons are. Getting attached to people who are unavailable is a painful and inefficient use of your time.
If you believe that no one is ever attracted to you or that you are inherently unlovable, you will likely need some psychotherapy before you can utilize my advice. Your lack of self-esteem will get in the way of you noticing and responding appropriately to the people who are attracted to you.
Fact 2: Attraction to Them
In the group who find you attractive, there will be a subgroup of people who you find attractive.
Advice: Ignore anyone to whom you are not attracted. It does not matter why you are not attracted to them. Do not waste time trying to rationalize being with them or fantasizing about them changing.
Fact 3: Ready to Be a Life Partner
In the group of people that you are attracted to who are also attracted to you, there will be another subgroup of people who are ready to choose a life partner now and others who are not yet ready.
Advice: Only date people who indicate that they are ready to choose a life partner now. Do not continue to date anyone who needs to be persuaded to marry you or who you hope will commit to you sometime in the future.
Fact 4: Chooses You
In the group of people you date will be another smaller subgroup who will want you to be their life partner.
Advice: Ignore anyone who loses interest in you after dating you. It does not matter what their reasons are. Do not waste your time trying to change their mind.
Once you have done the above, choose your life partner from the group who chooses you.
Summary
Although there are literally thousands of people you might find attractive, the only ones that matter are the ones who have the following characteristics:
- They are single.
- They find you appealing.
- You find them appealing.
- They are ready to choose a life partner now.
- They want you to be their life partner.
The best way to find your life partner quickly is to weed out anyone who does not meet the above criteria, and save your romantic feelings for someone who does.
Adapted from a Quora post.
