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As 2019 comes to a close, many are glad to say goodbye and look forward to a new and better year. Others are not looking forward to the new year because it brings with it uncertainty and some fear.
One of my oldest and dearest friends had some difficult and scary medical challenges this past year—2019 was not kind to her and she’s glad to bid it adieu. But the new year brings new medical tests, surgery, and procedures. She’s not looking forward to 2020, either.
What do we do?
While we can’t stop time, we can change our perspective on how we look at and think about things. The solution is to try, as much as possible, to be “in the present.”
Negative or worrisome thoughts are either about the past or the future. We may feel guilty, remorseful, or sorry about things that have happened in the past and may worry about things that could happen in the future. And you know there’s no shortage of possible scary scenarios of future events. Having negative thoughts (especially if that’s usually the way you think) can be depressing, scary, and stressful.
Did you know that our pattern of thinking is a habit?
If we’ve always looked at things negatively and are used to thinking the worst thing that could happen will probably happen, we’re more than likely to continue to think in the same way, unless we break the habit. And yes, we can break the habit of negative thinking, just like we can break a nail-biting habit. Sure, it’s not easy, but it is absolutely possible.
One of my mentors tells a story about hobos trying to inhabit someone’s house—it is a metaphor for thoughts inhabiting one’s mind. The moral of his story is don’t let unwanted or unhelpful thoughts linger in the mind. The hobo story is not mine to tell, but I can assure you there have been many times in my life when I’ve been terribly worried about something and said to myself, “don’t let the hobos in.” What’s the phrase you can say to yourself? “Don’t let the thoughts in,” “I will not think that way,” or “I will not give those thoughts space in my head”?
If having a catchphrase is not your thing, another strategy is to replace the negative thoughts with something else, such as a song. You cannot sing a song in your mind and think negative thoughts at the same time. One will replace the other. You get to decide which will win.
Thinking and worrying will not change what has happened in the past, or what will happen in the future. That we know. How much worrying do you have to do to ensure the future will be what you hope it to be? The obvious answer is there is no amount of worrying that will ensure a certain outcome in the future. If I knew that worrying would guarantee that no one I love would get sick, I would jump right on the worry bandwagon. But, unfortunately, that isn’t the case. So what useful function does being anxious about things over which I have no control have?
What follows are some strategies to break the habit of negative thinking.
- Replace negative thoughts with a song/positive thought/memory of a vacation. Just because we have a thought doesn’t mean we have to dwell on it. The easiest way to dismiss a negative thought is to replace it with another thought. I find singing a song to myself quickly redirects my attention to something more positive. Decide right now what song you will sing each and every time a worrisome or negative thought comes to mind so it is there at the ready when you need it.
- Set a time to worry and/or have negative thoughts. Pick a time every day at the same time, when you will spend five minutes thinking worrisome or negative thoughts. Set a timer and force yourself to stop after five minutes. When a thought like this comes to mind at other times during the day, push it aside, and tell yourself the time to worry will be at 5 p.m. (or whatever time you decide).
- Teach yourself to focus on what’s good and positive. As you go through your day, take note of what you see that is good, positive, and joyful. It could be an interaction you see, a story you read, something you feel, smell, touch, or taste. Take the time to make a special note of this in your mind.
- Focus on what you can control. We may not be able to control challenging medical conditions, but we can control which doctor we see, who will come with us to the doctor, what kind of treatment to follow. It’s easy to feel that life is totally out of our control when something bad happens. But life isn’t totally out of your control; there are always things you can control at any given moment. Focus on those things and take control of them. Make decisions and act on them.
- Practice gratitude. Start a gratitude journal. Write at least two things for which you are grateful every day in your journal. You can repeat the same things, you can pick little, specific things, or choose broad, general things. What I want you to do is to teach yourself to focus on what’s good in your life and what makes you happy.
- Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you’d treat a best friend. Have compassion for yourself, be positive about your efforts, and compliment yourself.
- Practice mindfulness. Bring yourself into the present, instead of thinking about the past or future. Focus on your breathing, count your breaths, take note of how you’re sitting, where you’re sitting, your surroundings. Allow yourself to focus on the here and now and use all your senses to get in touch with it.
Sometimes bad things happen. They happen to good people and they happen to bad people. We can’t prevent them from happening and it’s no fun when they do. I am not suggesting that having a reaction to them is unjustified, of course, it isn’t. It’s perfectly fine to cry, yell, be angry, or mourn. But remember, bad things have happened to you many times in the past. You may have suffered through them, but you survived each and every one of those times. History shows that you made it through. And while you can’t control some things that happen to you, you can control how those things affect your thoughts.
In 2020, let’s look forward to taking control of our thoughts, to getting rid of the habit of thinking worrisome and negative thoughts, and replacing it with the habit of thinking positive and calming thoughts. What a difference that will make in how you feel.
I wish you all a happy, healthy, and peaceful new year!
