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Key points
- Certain attitudes toward grief can increase the suffering associated with it.
- Expectations that you should not suffer only increase suffering.
- Effectively acknowledging grief helps us to recommit and reinvest in our lives.
Life involves loss, whether the death of a loved one, the loss of a cherished job, the end of a relationship, or the loss of an ongoing identity such as suddenly facing retirement without a plan. It is natural that each of these experiences involves a certain degree of grief, associated with sadness. It may also entail anxiety, various intensities of anger, and even depression, both acute or more long-term in duration.
The intensity and nature of your reactions to such loss very much varies based on the psychological lens through which you view grief and suffering in general. By psychological lens, I mean the perspective you have regarding suffering and the attitudes that inform your internal editorializing regarding suffering and grief.
Identifying attitudes that inform your grief
Take a moment to ask yourself, “What are my attitudes toward grief?”
For example, you may maintain rigid expectations about life and how things “should be."
The more rigidly you hold onto your expectations, the more suffering you will endure when faced with any form of loss—whereas having the flexibility to lighten your grasp on or even let go of certain expectations can reduce your suffering when facing such challenges. This perspective will support you when facing uncertainty or any type of loss. It entails the acceptance that loss is an inescapable aspect of life.
You might believe that you should never suffer; that somehow suffering and grieving are what others experience, or that you are special due to some aspect of your character, your heritage, your religion, or because you’ve never really experienced much loss.
Maybe, when bad things happen, you conclude that they are entirely your fault and you consequently engage in intense self-criticism about them. For example, in searching for meaning, you connect such experiences with something you did or didn’t do, when in fact the event had nothing to do with you. To some extent, this results from a sense of arrogance in believing that you should have complete control over your life, when life is in fact unpredictable despite our best efforts to control it.
Do you become angry when you experience loss or grief and get caught up in a fantasy that no one else suffers like you do? The truth is we all experience suffering and loss, some more than others.
Do you maintain superstitious thinking about suffering, connecting the dots to two distinct moments of suffering, only to create a false narrative about those events?
Emotional avoidance as a lens for suffering and grief
Some individuals try to avoid negative feelings in general and especially try to avoid the sharp pain of grieving. All too often, we are grief-phobic. Some view grieving as a character weakness. We often avoid serious discussions about loss and death, almost as if dying itself is something to be ashamed of. However, such pain demands our compassionate attention rather than denial, minimization, or suppression.
In an effort to avoid pain, some of us may rebuff the support of others, consequently causing further pain and a sense of isolation at a time when connection with others is especially needed.
Avoidance might serve as a temporary distraction. But failing to honor grief regarding loss saps the energy essential for more fully engaged living.
Without fully acknowledging grief, it seeks acknowledgment and sometimes becomes attached to events that have nothing to do with the original loss. It is for this reason that I suggest to clients that any loss has the potential to trigger original grief that was not fully acknowledged. As such, any loss seems to be surrounded by the ripples of past loss that was not sufficiently grieved. I have worked with clients who, by addressing a recent loss, begin to acknowledge a past loss.
The benefits of accepting our grief
Like all emotions, grief provides a message if you take the time to listen to it. Grief is a sign of caring. It helps you to define your values and what you view as meaningful in life.
Grief calls for self-reflection that can help you recognize unrealistic expectations. It demands your attention to recognize that while grief may call for mourning, the pain of a deep loss may never fully disappear. Rather, it becomes more muted, reducing the sharpness of the pain. Effectively acknowledging your grief helps you to marshal the energy and commitment to more fully resume embracing life. By contrast, unacknowledged grief may become a barrier to reinvesting, fearing and focusing on the pain that may result from doing so.
Transforming the lens through which you view grief
- Identify the attitudes that inform the lens through which you view suffering and grief.
- Identify which you wish to change.
- Be mindful of your internal dialogue regarding loss and grief.
- Remember that grief is a natural reaction to loss, an emotion that needs to be honored.
- Allow others to provide you with support when grieving—not to make it go away, but to allow for connection during an intensely challenging moment.
- Remember that grief that is ignored does not just go away.
- Recognize what is a manageable dosage for your grieving. You may be helped through “concentrated grieving,” giving yourself 15 to 30 minutes to cry, write a letter, listen to music, review and recall meaningful moments, or talk with someone about your grieving.
- Remember that the degree of suffering related to any loss might be compounded by the suffering of past loss.
- Consider seeking professional support to help you through this difficult time.
Grieving a loss often creates intense emotional pain. It only intensifies when we view it through a lens that seeks to deny, minimize, or suppress it. Acknowledging the pain of loss and related grief frees up our energy to more fully reinvest in embracing life.
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