How to Cope With Devastating Loss

For most of us, it's easy—and awful—to imagine suffering a serious loss. We form strong personal connections; we deeply love our families; we join groups or movements to express passionate hopes; we settle into our homes—all while knowing that each of these elements of a satisfying life might be taken away. Grief may follow the death of a family member or the loss of a close friend; the end of a marriage or the need to part with a beloved pet; the act of leaving home or losing a job. Abstract losses—like financial stability, good health, youth, fertility, or even the loss of hope for success—can hit just as hard.

Many of us experience similar feelings and behaviors while we're grieving. Quite often we’ll have trouble sleeping, although some of us may find ourselves sleeping too much, instead. We may cry easily and often, and our relationship with food may change significantly: We might experience an increase in appetite or lose interest in eating entirely. It might become difficult to concentrate on work or to make clearheaded decisions. Other, strangely specific physical symptoms like headaches, an upset stomach, fatigue, or weakness in the muscles may also follow—or perhaps we'll experience a strange tightness in the chest, a general restlessness throughout our days and nights, or even a discomfiting palpitation of the heart.

Emphasize Self-Care

To get through a time of grief, first and foremost, do your best to take care of your health. Exercising regularly—even mildly—and trying to eat healthy food, while also making the effort to get enough sleep each night, can help you feel more normal. (If you’re having trouble with your appetite, try making meal plans ahead of time; if this isn't something you're good at, consider asking an AI chatbot.)

Try not to use mood-altering substances to numb the pain —drinking too much or smoking too much can further endanger your well-being at a time like this, or cause other problems that you don't need right now. If you have chronic medical issues, maintain your regular schedule of doctor visits, or make a new appointment to bring your physician up to speed about how you’ve been doing.

Reach Out to Others

Do not forget that your social connections represent your strongest chance of feeling normal again. No, you might not feel much like talking—but then again, you may be able to benefit from the opportunity to express something real, so if your friends or family reach out to you, accept their offers. When you’re ready, be truthful with them about how you’re feeling: Speaking honestly about your emotions and taking opportunities to explore how you feel, in the safe context of care, can be a part of grieving your loss. Don’t pretend that everything is OK if it isn’t. And if you belong to a religious community, consider spending more time with others who share your beliefs. Seek meaning in the spiritual texts that are important to you.

Take Healing Breaks

When you’re grieving, try to go easy on yourself. Take stock of your favorite activities and make some plans to do the things that you enjoy—every day, if you can. Being able to “turn the page” for a short while, doing something that focuses your mind and occupies your attention, can feel like a gift in a time of grief. Some people benefit from practicing mindfulness meditation, tai chi, or yoga; these physical pursuits may be able to help you anchor yourself in the present moment. If you can explore these interests with other people, that might be better still, but if you’re on your own, that’s all right: Don’t feel guilty about taking additional time for yourself or spending some extra money to make yourself feel better. Caring for yourself as well as you can should be a top priority at a time like this.

Be Patient With Yourself

In many cases, grief begins to feel gentler and less intense after a period of time. Your emotions may fluctuate for a while, but in a few months, they may likely begin to settle down. Sticking to a routine during this time can help, as grieving can disrupt the feeling of leading a normal life. Finding a healthy daily schedule that includes enough sleep, consistent mealtimes, and daily exercise—and maintaining it every day—can help you redevelop a sense of control and develop more emotional regulation. Don’t forget to shower, either, or to get yourself out of bed each morning; live your daily life as much like everybody else as you can. You may not have a lot of energy when you wake up, but you will probably feel worse if you sleep in and fall out of sync with the schedules of the rest of the people you know. Remind yourself that you won’t feel this way forever. Someday, the loss of your loved one will feel like a part of your life, even as your loved one once was. It will probably always hurt, but someday it won’t be new anymore.

A Note on Prolonged Grief:

To this general and well-worn advice about grieving, I would add one exception. In rare cases, people may suffer an extreme and prolonged reaction to a loss. This is known as complicated grief, in which the sorrow continues without abating, leads to a preoccupation with the loss, and causes people to have trouble moving on with life. Many psychologists consider this diagnosis if unusually intense feelings of sadness and shock go on for more than a year after a loss, especially if a person appears to be experiencing a form of loss-related PTSD, in which they feel emotionally numb, go out of their way to avoid reminders of the death or loss, or have trouble accepting that the event has actually occurred. If you think you might be living with complicated grief, please reach out to a mental health professional to find help. Even if you cannot, at this moment, see a way forward without the person you have lost, you may be able to connect to someone else who makes that possible.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.