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Let’s face it: stress sucks. It’s one of the warts on the underbelly of life.
Relationships, the places we work, our finances (or lack thereof), and so on--they all breed angst, which suckles sadness, and--well, you know where this is going.
My husband Lars once had a boss who was so emotionally volatile, so--yes, I am just going to say it--CRAZY, that he took to praying on his subway ride to work, while pretending to read the Boston Globe. And Lars is not really a praying kind of guy.
Because we had a very sick child, and my career and income had therefore taken a huge hit, Lars felt he did not have the luxury of quitting, although every other day I begged him to.
One thing you need to know about Lars: he is as ornery as a toddler. And he refused to quit, even if the stress of working for a madwoman was going to kill him. At least if he waited until she laid him off, he could collect unemployment while looking for something else.
I hope he is never cursed with a mad boss again, because his profound disquietude over those five or six months made all four of us miserable. Fortunately he WAS laid off, after enduring sufficient emotional torture, and because he is who he is, he quickly found another, better job.
The thing is, Lars had some options, even if he thought he didn’t. We all knew the abuse would end at some point, and he knew he had my A-OK should he choose to just walk out.
Lars is doing pretty well, overall. I am hugely grateful for that, and so is he.
Some people DO have options and CAN escape the worst kind of stress (I guess that would be the relentless, helpless-making kind). That’s probably a good thing, because if everyone found themselves suspended in a purgatory of soul-crushing angst, this earth would depopulate itself pretty damn fast.
(No, Readers. Don’t take everything I say literally. My poetic license CAN NEVER BE REVOKED, even if used recklessly, or under the influence. Remember?)
Poetic license aside, stress is indeed a killer. People living in dire poverty, with unending illness or hunger or abuse; children unfortunate enough to dwell in war zones, will know exactly what I’m talking about--if they have the luxury of clicking on over to Psychology Today to read this blog.
People like me, whose cherished children, or spouses, or other loved ones live every day on the brink of the abyss, will know it too--although some of us may absorb a fraction of the daily blows the universe showers on people without food, shelter, water, or other basic protections.
(That last comment had to be made, as I am sitting here typing on my little white Chromebook and sipping a cup of tea while my boy, who inexplicably grew into a young man while I wasn't looking, sits one floor below and does something or other on HIS laptop. And we are neither of us hungry, and both of us are alive. Joy!!!)
Anyway, enough gabbing. Here are 13 things Stress would like to do to you, if you let it:
1. Steal your sleep.
2. Interfere with your relationships.
3. Rob you of your libido.
4. Cause you systemic inflammation and malaise.
5. Cause you pain just about anywhere in or on your body.
6. Make you anxious and depressed.
7. Kill your brain cells. (I am not speaking metaphorically this time. Really.)
8. Raise your cortisol (the “fight or flight” hormone produced by your adrenal glands).
9. Give you a huge spare tire around your middle, courtesy of Raised Cortisol (see above).
10. Cause your GI tract to blow up. (Yes, this one is a metaphor--but it won’t FEEL metaphorical while it's happening.)
11. Teach you the real meaning of the word “fatigue.” You had no idea, trust me.
12. Trigger various illnesses (things like Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome--if you’re lucky).
13. Trigger some worse illnesses (if you’re not).
Toward the end my 10 years of living simply to keep my younger child alive, and never knowing whether I would, or would not, succeed at my mission, I experienced every single one of these horrible, stress-induced symptoms.
It took me 10 years--that is, until the day said child, at age 13, went to live at a residential school that could keep him safe, and would eventually teach him functional skills, nurture his lovely intelligence, and help him find beauty and happiness in this world--to consider taking care of myself.
I COULDN'T have done so sooner--because I had too many other people to take care of first.
How Victorian of me, eh?
Now I know I made the wrong choice in ignoring my own bodily and emotional needs. I should have found a way. And maybe others should have encouraged me to do so.
Maybe. Then again, maybe not. I am not a toddler. I am responsible, ultimately, for my own bad choices.
Here are 13 things I wish I'd done for myself, instead of passively allowing Stress to do its thing instead:
1. Entrusted others (Lars, for example) to take over once in a while.
2. Learned the art of mindfulness.
3. Meditation--ditto.
4. Taken a long walk on sunny days--if there was no urgent call from school, no moldering pile of student essays waiting impatiently to be graded, or no rush to the hospital lurking around the bend.
5. Kept music in my life. Listened to it every day as if there would be no more of it tomorrow--or ever again.
6. Napped whenever I had a half hour when I wasn't triaging psychiatric crises, working, cooking, driving kids around, panicking, or sitting on the couch staring blankly at the wall.
7. Allowed myself to use the spa gift certificate a friend gave me.
8. Ate whole, healthy foods.
9. Exercised.
10. Insisted on a monthly date-night and made us follow through on it every month, even if exhausted, panicked, broke, or emotionally paralyzed (i.e. the usual).
11. Held warm, furry things (Noo Noo, I’m looking at you) longer and tighter when the world seemed in danger of tilting off its axis.
12. Loved my kids, my parents, my whole family, and of course, Lars, without so much fear of losing them. That kind of fearful love can be toxic.
13. Let go. Just let go of all the stupid, small stuff. Life is way too short for that tenacious grip on Nothing.
I am working on all of these as we speak. Not literally, though.
Readers, what has Stress done to you--and what have YOU done for you?
