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Key points
- LGBTQ+ people and autistic individuals are both at higher risk for suicide.
- When a person believes that who they are is inherently unlovable, they may attempt to "kill off" their true self in order to be accepted.
- The experience of love that a person inherently needs can only come from the acceptance of their authentic self.
The statistics are clear: LGBTQ+ people and autistic individuals are both at higher risk for contemplating, attempting, and committing suicide. LGB youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth. In a national study, 40% of transgender adults reported having made a suicide attempt at some point in their lives. Meanwhile, the rates amongst autistic children and adults have been found to be three times higher than the national average. Why is this and what do they have in common?
There are many reasons why people attempt suicide, and many risk factors involved. This post only attempts to explore one facet of it—not only because it helps us to understand the plight of people who are LGBTQ+ and/or autistic, but also because there are ways that all of us can benefit from the understanding.
The need to be loved for our authentic selves
As human beings, we all have a natural and innate need to be our authentic selves in the world. Merriam-Webster defines authentic in two ways. The first is how we typically think of authenticity: to be true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character; not false. But the other definition is equally important, which is to be worthy of acceptance based on fact.
To live in the world authentically means to live in the world in a way that is true to one’s personality, spirit, character, and identity. And while we may think of the second definition as one related to inanimate objects, it certainly applies to human beings as well: Every one of us has a deep need to feel worthy of acceptance, and love, based on the fact of who we are. We don’t just have a need to be authentic; we have a need to feel loved based on our authentic selves.
In other words, the need to be loved trumps all other needs, but the truth is, we don’t ever get the experience of being truly loved if we have to be inauthentic to get it.
When we look at a child who feels deeply seen and loved, we see a child who is not only joyful but confident. This child is able to navigate the world with the inner knowledge that who they are is loveable. The converse is also true—a child who is loved for their persona rather than their authentic self, or feels unloved (or a loss of love) because of who they are, is a child who is depressed and insecure.
When we believe that who we are is inherently unlovable (or worse, evil, unacceptable, wrong, or bad), we are forced to try to hide or “kill off” our true selves in order to be loved and accepted. For LGBTQ+ folks, this is related to their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. For autistic folks, this is related to how they experience the world and interact with it. But specifics aside, this holds true for all of us—any part of us that we have learned is unacceptable in our world is going to be a part of us we will want to get rid of in order to get the love we so desperately need.
This is where suicide comes in—either active suicide (to kill off the unacceptable fact of who we are altogether) or passive suicide such as substance abuse, process addiction, masking, remaining closeted, or doing our best to act in ways we hope will be appealing or acceptable to others. When forced into trying to kill off a part of ourselves, we will either do it by attempting to repress, change, hide, or drink away that part of us and/or we will become deeply depressed. We will kill ourselves off one way or another.
But the love that we seek can never be truly experienced through these attempts because again, the experience of love that we all inherently need is based on a joy and acceptance of our authentic selves. Of being found worthy based on the fact of who we are, not an idea of who we should be. This is true for all of us, whether it be those of us with LGBTQ+ identities or those of us who are autistic, or have unusual interests, or whether or not we are more “masculine” or “feminine” than our surroundings allow for, or if we are artistic, or think outside of the box—in whatever way we don’t necessarily “fit the mold” of what our family or community has designated as “lovable” or “acceptable.”
But the truth is, everyone is worthy of love. Not the "love the sinner hate the sin" kind that only loves part of who someone is, but the real love—that joy and acceptance of their true, authentic self—and if we want to see the rates of suicide, depression, and addiction go down, then it’s not a matter of trying to force people into changing into a more “acceptable” version of who we think they should be. Instead, the onus is on us when we are challenged by who they are—not to reject them, but to expand our capacity to love. It’s about expanding our vision of what it means to be human and learning to love and appreciate people for the unique, authentic flavors we all bring into the world.
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7 contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK, or the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, see the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
